Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

@entropynow

You're all in your 40s? Blimey. Honestly I couldn't get worked up about this (and yes, I've been in the same situation with a lot more than a few hundred quid involved). Primary school was a long time ago mate.

@Puffalicious

This is really, really unfair. It clearly hurts the OP. She's said she doesn't want his money and loves her brother, it's the blatant injustice of her and her sisters being the ones doing the visiting and her brother being treated as the prodigal son. We can all be hurt no matter what age we are.

My own DF was like this with my sister (there are 5 of us, 3 girls, 2 boys)- she and her children were always clearly his favourites. She didn't ask for it and I love my sister very, very much, but the fact that she accepted lots of money/ things over the years didn't go unnoticed. It actually means her and my brother are NC. Very sad, and we've tried to resolve it, but can't. We all get on with living - I love all of them and find them such wonderful people- it's just sad I can't invite all of my brothers and sisters at the same time. Things like big birthdays/ weddings/ parties it's sad.

Not only really really unfair but quite a spiteful and mean comment too from entropynow

People don't stop feeling hurt and pain and rejection when they hit the official age of an adult FFS. No, not even when they're in their 40s. Or 50s, or 60s, or 70s etc etc. My grandmother's brother was the golden child and hugely favoured by her parents, especially her mother, and he could do no wrong.

My gran got the shit end of the stick with everything; made to do household chores as a girl when he was made to do NOTHING, more pocket money for him, (as he is a boy!) cash given to him whenever he asked, and many things bought for him/things done for him. And when the mother died 6 months after the father, the will gave him two thirds of everything and her one third.

Even when she was in her 80s, (some 15-20 years ago not long before she died,) she still talked about how hurt she had always been by her brother being CONSTANTLY favoured, and how upset it still made her. She said it made her insecure and always fearing rejection, and made her feel like she was less worthy. @entropynow your comment is really REALLY mean.

YANBU. Children have an enormous sense of justice/ injustice. My parents have always given equally to my sister and I but when we bought our respective first homes. they gave more to me as I needed more to buy. She does feel that they favour me more because I was the one who was more uni, job, flat, car, marriage, kids. But I have never felt loved by my parents in any way other than them giving me material stuff.

They sure are.

And it's always the ones who do the most looking after etc that are overlooked in favour of the one that doesn't.

There is a lot of research to support this favoritism between mothers and daughters in the UK
theconversation.com/daughters-are-more-willing-to-sacrifice-for-their-mothers-than-for-their-romantic-partners-182410

I think I'd feel a bit funny about this too. It's not the money that matters, it's the changing the goalposts to make things less fair.

My family has always taken the policy that children can be treated differently in terms of spends but the goal should be the same. For instance, my brother's education cost a lot more but the end result was we both had an education somewhere suitable for us. But we also discuss any big differences to make sure everyone understands the thought process and sees why it's the case.

I can't imagine feeling ok with seeing the difference in treatment and not understanding why it's happening but somehow magically being ok with it.

I think it depends on circumstances and needs. I wouldn't worry myself too much if I spent more on one child than another, within reason, provided I was meeting their needs. For example, if one of my children had a hobby that cost twice as much as my other children's hobbies or if one child needed to go on an expensive trip for school or a hobby I wouldn't deny them to be fair on the other two. However, I think giving one child an £800 bike and another just a card is a bit ridiculous even if they are in their 40s, unless next year it's the other child who benefits.

There's also a factor that incomes fluctuate. I can't be as generous to child 2 and child 3 at the moment as I was with child 1 at the same age because my electricity bill is three times as large, the interest rates on my mortgage have risen and things in the shops are more expensive right now. So what people can provide for their children at any given time are going to be shaped by what they have in the bank.

Sometimes as well kids, people forget.

dh’s (adult) dc was whinging recently about a big ticket item (particular phone) we bought for one of my kids, why did they get that and I didn’t etc.

to start that phone was something they needed for a hobby. It needed to run a particular app that our usual custom of cheap second hand phones wouldn’t do.

secondly when sdc was a similar age his hobby was cycling. We bought him a fairly expensive proper bike, in addition to having bought him previous ones he outgrew. The other kids didn’t get equivalent gifts in the name of fairness.

so as a parent money spent generally averages out over a lifetime. While £800 in one go seems a lot, over 10 or 20 years it’s perfectly possible for him to have spent the equivalent and you have forgotten or not noticed.

Oh come on! You're all grown adults!

Maybe a lovely bike is something your dad always regretted not being able to afford for himself so he's excited to be able to treat your brother.

Maybe another year, you'll get the big present and the others will get the card.

Exactly, and it's almost ALWAYS the daughters/women who do everything, like looking after elderly parents and relatives etc, and very rarely the sons/men.

Yet the sons/men are almost always favoured. As I said earlier, it doesn't seem to be as bad as it used to be, and I think daughters (born post 1990) seem to be valued more now, but certainly the vast majority of women born 1980s or earlier will have a story to tell about how they have a brother who is favoured - sometimes more than one.

In addition, I know about 9 or 10 families where there are 3 or 4 sons and just 1 daughter (or 2) and the sons have never done ANYTHING for the parents, the daughter(s) do everything for them, yet the sun shines out the sons arses. Fucks me right off it does. Always has!

Maybe another year, you'll get the big present and the others will get the card.

Yeah that's not going to happen . What a naive comment!

Have you actually bothered reading ANY of the OP's posts apart from the first one?!

As for 'oh come on! You're all grown adults.' Do you feel pleased with yourself for making the OP feel even more shit than she already does. Nice one!!! 👏

Why don't people get the full gist of the thread and read it before commenting?

I find it kind of weird that so many people are saying that she's BU, just because (by the nature of this forum) I presume that most of the posters are mothers(or fathers) themselves? As a mother I can't fathom only buying one of my children a birthday gift and just giving a card to the other

As a fully grown adult you really should be past all this 'it's not fair' crap.

I’m on my 40s and if my Mum goes out clothes shopping with my sister and buys her something, I get the same amount of money in the post to spend 😁I always say thank you but there is no need but my Mum and Dad have always wanted us to feel equally valued. Doesn’t always mean we get treated the same as we have had different needs and my sister lives a lot closer than I do etc but in circumstance where they can - eg amount spent on birthdays they always do. It does matter IMO.

As a mother I can't fathom only buying one of my children a birthday gift and just giving a card to the other

no, but my eldest got a macbook for her 16th as she needs it for her a’levels.

my youngest got a gift, but nowhere near that value. However they will also get a macbook for their 16th, or, if they choose, something of equivalent value.

i can’t afford to spend 4k on birthdays because one is getting something they need as a gift and I am expected to match both kids every time.

I’m on my 40s and if my Mum goes out clothes shopping with my sister and buys her something, I get the same amount of money in the post to spend.

this is ok if you can afford it. But I will just spend the money the next time I take the other one shopping, or top up a birthday gift, or buy something they need. Constantly matching every single penny seems a bit overkill.

If it is always biased in one direction, then rifts will form and that is a problem. As long as things balance in the long term, I don’t think gifts need to be equal all the time.

i was visiting with my family once and my dad had just bought my sister a piece of furniture as a gift. It was something that had come up that she that she absolutely loved but couldn’t afford. He wanted to give me cash to make things fair. I declined and told him that some day there would be some perfect gift for me and I would get my turn then. He wouldn’t be able to afford to splurge on either of us if he always had to match the cost.

that is my philosophy with gift giving as well. I have a general budget. Occasionally I find the perfect thing for someone and break that budget. I just make sure I’m not always doing that for the same person repeatedly.

I’m curious to hear from the posters telling the OP that she is being unreasonable and that her father perfectly justified in his spending whether they also treat their children inequitably and — if so — how they justify this? In what circumstances would you give one adult child a card for their birthday and another a £800 gift?

In what circumstances would you give one adult child a card for their birthday and another a £800 gift?

see my post above. I bought one child a 2k laptop, the other got about £100 in gifts.

this will balance out in a few years when the youngest is doing their a’levels and needs a laptop.

@Reallyreallyborednow Sure there's nothing wrong with that, you still didn't get your other child no present at all though and this is what the main issue is

It's strange because I really don't actually want his money. I earn my own and take pride in that.

I also get in well with brother and don't want to begrudge him anything.

Youve answered your own question - you should accept that it’s his money and forget about it. Or you could always let the tyres down when your brother isn’t looking 😉

Why didn't you say? Where's my present you tight arse?.

@Reallyreallyborednow Sorry for tagging you again, I just wanted to expand on what I think the differences are, obviously your daughter needed a decent laptop for her education (and she'll also be able to use it for entertainment etc) There's really no circumstances where the brother of the OP needed a bike worth £800 that's ALOT to spend on a bike and it's obviously for a hobby/competing, you could get a decent bike for transport (if that's why he needed it) for a fraction of that price

Sure. Obtaining gratification from buying an expensive gift for the favoured child is far more important than being sensitive about and mindful of his other children's feelings.

It's not the damn money, it's the attention and love. It makes the other children feel less worthy of their dad's love.

The question was about adult children.

Your solution of buying a big gift when anyone reaches 16 seems perfectly reasonable, for dependent children (as long as it happens that way).

OP you have every right to be upset. It's not so much about the cost or help, or what the gift is it's the meaning behind it. I've watched blatant favouritism my whole life and I'm very careful to treat all family members the same no matter their ages or finances. It's vile singling one person out for special treatment it's hurtful and so damaging I couldn't do it to anyone.