Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

My db is the golden dc, he also earns the most.
Dm goes to John Lewis and buys him a really expensive Christmas present.
One year she forgot shed bought something and sent him money as well.
I got nothing.
I didn't need a gift but I did and do need to feel loved and I don't.
It's shit OP.

You have every right to feel upset. I would flag it with him and say in an unemotional way, 'I noticed you bought Bro an £800 bike while i just got a card. These things will be remembered when you are old and need care. I hope he plans to look after you since he's clearly the favourite.'

I don't believe in being nice and accommodating to manipulative parents. Make it clear you see what they are up to and it affects how well you regard them.

@Léighméleabhair

So glad my adult DC. aren’t self absorbed twits. 😂

Do you say this because you don't spend equally and no one has an issue with this or are you making an assumption that there wouldn't be an issue if you did spend a significant amount on one and nothing on the other?

Agree with this. It's very unfair to favour one child over another, whether they're 4 or 14 or 40. Also, it does almost ALWAYS seem to be BOYS/MEN who are favoured over girls/women.

I have lost count of the amount of women I know who have brothers who were/are massively favoured over them. Always been the same. Not as bad as it was say, pre 1980s, but still prevalent.

@fairfayrefare YANBU.

OP I would be hurt by this. I certainly would not take him to pick up the bike and I would say that you are hurt by his actions .

Ooops, sorry, my comment there ^ was in response to @Greenberg (the 3rd or 4th post on the thread...)

I think there is a moral obligation on parents to be fair, within reason. This is such blatant favouritism. The present is not a necessity, it's a want.

This is really, really unfair. It clearly hurts the OP. She's said she doesn't want his money and loves her brother, it's the blatant injustice of her and her sisters being the ones doing the visiting and her brother being treated as the prodigal son. We can all be hurt no matter what age we are.

My own DF was like this with my sister (there are 5 of us, 3 girls, 2 boys)- she and her children were always clearly his favourites. She didn't ask for it and I love my sister very, very much, but the fact that she accepted lots of money/ things over the years didn't go unnoticed. It actually means her and my brother are NC. Very sad, and we've tried to resolve it, but can't. We all get on with living - I love all of them and find them such wonderful people- it's just sad I can't invite all of my brothers and sisters at the same time. Things like big birthdays/ weddings/ parties it's sad.

OP Is there anything we need to know about your brother ? How old is he ?

How do your other siblings feel ?i think i would feel as you do (it's important to feel your being treated fairly its about respect) do you have good open communication with your family to be able to discuss this without it causing an argument- it is already a problem- can you ask why your brother needs to be treated differently it may help you come to terms with why your parents favour one sibling over another?

This. Why done you ask them? Perfect opportunity if they're asking you for a lift to actually facilitate this present?

If you feel like you can't ask them then that's a problem in itself. I suggest you look up the book Toxic Parents and maybe peruse the "stately homes" support threads on here

I must admit I'd be tempted to say, "No," to that last request. Or maybe to ask, "Are we picking up mine & my sisters' bikes at the same time? No? Well, sort it out yourself, then!".

The only time my parents announced that they would give me exactly what they'd given my brother was when DH & I announced our engagement: they said they'd given him £X as a wedding present a few years before, & we could decide if we wanted that amount as a wedding present or to pay for the reception.

This was decades ago, when it was traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, & this was their way of getting out of that. I wonder how long they'd tried to find a way to weasel out of paying & still feel they were in the right!

Did you brother particularly want a bike? Is it something he'd been expressing for a while?

Last year I really wanted to buy a new camera and had been going on about it for ages; I earn less much less than my older brother, so my parents got me one for my birthday. My brother had expressed no similar wish in terms of something he particularly wanted. Were my parents obliged to give him £1200 (the cost of my camera) just to make it "fair"? Other times, I'm sure he's gotten things or gifts from my parents due to specifically wanting those things. I've not expected to receive the monetary value of his gift, just for the sake of evening it out!

But it sounds like this is maybe a deeper rooted issue, and not just about the bike? Has your dad historically favoured your brother? Do you generally feel you're treated with generosity?

I think more details needed. Why does he need an £800 bike? Is it a hobby, does he drive? Does he not drive and his old bike is knackered so he has no way go getting around and this is a sensible purchase? If £800 was to be spent on you what would be the equivalent? I think a bike is a bit different to a flatscreen TV.

As an adult I wouldn’t get too worked up about this really. I have younger siblings (11+12) and my parents make sure to spend the same on them as they notice and get jealous. I’m in my 20’s and she doesn’t spend anywhere near as much as me. I don’t need her to buy me a gaming computer or a PS5. When I was 19/21 I know she spent a hell of a lot more on me than she did on them because she’d help me out with some bills, food & she bought me a MacBook for uni. She was constantly chucking me £50 here and £50 there.

So glad my adult DC. aren’t self absorbed twits.

Sounds like their mother is a bit of twit though.

Shame for them.

If it were me I'd say something, he's spending £800 on 1 of his children, he could have gotten all his kids birthday presents worth £200 which would have been very generous and fair. I have 2 kids I couldn't imagine buying a birthday present for one of them and just giving the other a card.

It looks as though she maybe understood you quite well and acted accordingly.

Yes, I have 2 brothers one is working full time and the other is at university. I treat the youngest more as he doesn’t have the means himself.
I really don’t think there’s anything unfair about that.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps
Not true about UK parents favouring sons. There is a lot of research to show most parents favour the daughter over sons
www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3143788/Bad-news-boys-Researchers-say-parents-prefer-daughters-times-tough.html

Sorry that article is from the Mail. Here is one that references the original research
www.business-standard.com/article/news-ians/daughters-favoured-over-sons-in-hard-times-115063000497_1.html

One crappy little biased article does not negate the real life experiences of millions of women with brothers, who have had the brothers massively favoured over them.

I don't think it is crappy research. It is a proper study from the Carlson School of Management and Rutgers Business School in the States

And even if girls ARE occasionally favoured over boys, a little bit more than they USED to be, that doesn't change the fact that boys have been MASSIVELY favoured over girls for centuries. If you're female and have brothers and THEY were not favoured then you are very fortunate.

I feel sorry for the children of the posters telling you to get over it and it's none of their business.

Are they going to tell their children no presents this year and then have the cheek to ask for a lift to collect a very expensive present for the golden child?

It's a real piss take OP and you're not at all unreasonable to be upset by it.

I don't care where it's from. It's just a small dose of research that is basically worthless. And as I said, it does NOT negate or cancel out the experiences of millions of women with brothers who have had the brothers favoured over them.

Vile aren't they?