Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

It isn't fair that your Dbro is treated differently.

After 40 years I'd ignore it, say nothing to DF.

It is his money and as you're all adults there is nothing for you to say or do.

Not worth the effort of arguing about it.

The golden son gets the handouts now and the daughters will get the care duties (provided for free of course!) when dad gets older.

No real need for the bike, just a want and in reality probably won't get much use.

It’s actually none of your business. Maybe your brother is struggling with his mental health and your dad thinks a bike would help him improve his mood. My own sibling has had MH and financial problems and gets all sorts of extra help from parents that I in no way begrudge.

I don't understand grown adults that cant speak to the parents unless there is some history of abuse. FWIW I think you are right in feeling aggrieved OP, it isn't about not getting a bike it's about DB doing the least and getting the most.

My parents have been pretty fair, different things at different times, but if they weren't and I was in your shoes I would have had no hesitation saying "nice being the favourite child eh dad, Richard gets an £800 bike for his birthday and Jane, Sue and I got a card!"

For another take on this, DH has several siblings, each in a decent “professional” job.

One is a contractor in an area that closed down completely in the UK a while back, and he was worried that he might lose his house.

DH offered to pay off his mortgage, gift him enough to keep him afloat until he found a new job, or lend him enough if he preferred that.

The other siblings were pleased that he did this, and definitely didn’t expect chèques for quite large amounts to drop on their doorsteps at the same time.

It's not really about the money is it, it's about your parent making it abundantly obvious who they love the most. It's something that you just have to try and not show your upset because that will only cause more issues because people don't like being challenged and will react with anger. All you can do is try and distance yourself emotionally and accept your parents (like all of us) aren't perfect. Their behaviour won't change but you can change how it makes you feel.

Ask your df when your bike arrives..
I have adult dc and can't imagine treating them so differently..
Same amount for birthdays and Xmas here.

Gold star for you for not being affected.

We are all different and I am entitled to feel differently about this than you.

Mental health, well-being, physical fitness is not a feature in any of this.

Over the years I'd imagine I have had more from my parents than my DSIS. Being a lone parent for years and on a tight income meant my DM would occasionally buy me shopping/kids Christmas presents - shes never done that for my DSIS. I certainly wouldn't begrudge more money going her way than mine if that happened in the future.

That doesn't mean there us favouritism and there doesn't need to be fairness - its your DFs cash.

Is there more to it than this OP?

I'd step away from doing stuff for the parent due to this. Its blatant sexism. I wouldn't be able to cope with the unfairness. Your DF clearly favours your brother, so let him get on with that, make it clear why you are stepping back and keep up pleasantries on major occasions only.

In my experience the DC who appears to be the favourite, is usually the DC that needs the most emotional support.

Parents feel they want to make things better? Were the other siblings more mature than Dbro? Was he the emotional child in your childhood?

If your Dad has savings he'll share when he dies or maybe he will make this up to you somewhere.

Don't give him a hard time for helping his DS.

He might have a repayment plan.

You don’t know the dynamics of their relationship.

^This.
I absolutely would not be taking them to pick it up either and would tell them. It was no presents when it was my birthday and now you want me to ferry you to get a very expensive present for brother.

They can spend their money how they like but you don’t have to put yourself out if they aren’t going to be fair especially as this errand isn’t a necessary one. It only benefits your brother so he can move himself.

Its none of your business to be frank! What i spend on each of my kids is no one's business but mine. My DM has often given me £££ but she has also given my DS £££ when she has needed it as well, i have no idea how much or how often because its no business of mine to know. Neither could i care less.

Emerald - I would think if anyone knew the dynamics of the relationship it would be a sibling

Not buying a present for you on your Birthday was very mean considering you have to pick up his shopping etc.

I'd mention it in a calm manner with your DF.

I was talking about this with a friend, I only have one child but I was saying some years he will get a big present for Christmas, some he doesn't want for much and doesn't get much, some years a birthday party, some years a film and a pizza hut. She said (she has 4 kids) some years one will have significantly more spent on them eg, they need a laptop/ a bike/ a phone but they all have a time when they need something more so it evens out. You could buy someone a lot of crap they don't need to add up to what would really benefit one person.

Is it ever like that for you?

Emerald - I would think if anyone knew the dynamics of the relationship it would be a sibling.
Meaning the emotional pull Dbro has on DF.

OP would have an idea of their setup, I'm wondering why DF thinks it's acceptable to only buy OP a card.

Is DF looking for golden boys approval?
Has Dbro had emotional or addiction issues in the past?
Has he always gotten more than his siblings?

we’ve helped out one adult DC when they needed it, spoke to other adult DC about it, they were totally in agreement. Neither need any help now, and we buy gifts for them and DGC of pretty similar value. Will is a straightforward 50/50.

Favouritism destroys relationships, it’s hurtful, and unkind and not whot parenting is about. If there is a genuine reason for it that other siblings understand, fair enough.

Honestly? I think it's disgusting when a parent overtly favours one child over the rest, regardless of the ages of anyone involved. Obviously they are able to spend their money as they choose, but I cannot imagine me parents ever spending that much on one of us without spending a comparable amount on the others. It wouldn't occur to them to do so, unless it were a matter of life or death and they couldn't afford to spend the same on all of us.

Practically speaking, there's not much you can do about this type of unfairness, if you want to maintain the relationship and avoid awkwardness. I wouldn't bring it up unless I was in dire need of money from them, but it would be impossible to not have such essential unfairness colour my feelings for them. Particularly if they expected more practical assistance from me than from the favoured sibling.

Your DF can do whatever he wants with his money but you can feel whatever you wants about his decisions. Atm your feelings are absolutely right- your Dad shows different attitudes towards you and your brother.
You need to comment on the spot
as @pinkstinks suggested, politely questioning not arguing. The resentment towards both of your brother and your father will build up and it’s not good.
And I wouldn’t take them to pick up a bike, no.

So he’s speaking about getting him a bike, he hasn’t actually got the bike. It might not even happen.
Do you not like your brother, do you begrudge him the gift?

We are all adults well into our 40's.

This is key here. It’s really odd to compare it to all children or none getting an ice cream. You may not be fully in the know about your brother’s circumstances. Your dad may always have fancied a bike and will get some pleasure out of hearing about your brother’s cycling. Who knows? Maybe in a year or so there’ll be something expensive that he’ll take pleasure in buying for you or one of your siblings. The whole “fairness” thing is a bit of an odd concept when you’re talking about
fully grown adults, I think.

Of course you're not unreasonable to feel hurt. Maybe at 40, saying it's "unfair" is a bit childish. But your father is obviously playing favourites

Yes it's your father's decision, and his choice. But in families, money and gifts often symbolise love and care. That's what really hurts, I'll bet - that your father seems to care more or prefer his son over his daughters.

My dsis (the youngest out of the two of us), has always gotten herself into scrapes throughout her life, my parents have bailed her out umpteen times yet I, who visit and help the out the most have had very little from them. Upsets me but little I can do about it.