Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

Hmmm what do I think they would say? Something not too defensive but in support of the fact they wanted to buy brother a bike.

I absolutely would not say that to them though as I appreciate and understand all the relevant points on this post about how I should get over it and not let it get to me etc.

So I'll just carry on.

Buying the bike for his DS will give your dad pleasure, focus on that.

Slightly cringing for you op you are not children any more ! They can use their money as they see fit.

Is your Dad close to your brother?
maybe this is the only way he can feel connected to him? If they’re not close maybe he has some unresolved guilt ? buying him stuff is the only way he can feel involved with him ?

i get why you’re annoyed especially when he said no presents for the rest of you though :(
Is/was he a helpful supportive parent to you in other ways?

At the start of the year around my birthday it was all oh no presents for anyone this year etc etc now it's brothers birthday next week and the tune has changed to can you take me to collect his bike!

Did you not say, as pinkstinks suggests “oh, I thought this was a no presents year?! When did that change!”?

You need to raise these things then and there, don't be passive!

YANBU

My own brother is treated like this too.

Growing up there was a very obvious difference in the things he would get vs me and my sister.

Now we’re adults they still pay most of his household bills, all of his car insurance, tax, mot and garage bills and he’s never brought himself a car ever and then always moans when it breaks down because it’s just a cheap car.

I think they do it because he’s the baby but he’s only 2 years younger than me and I’m a single parent and can manage paying all of my own bills.

I don’t resent him for it but it does annoy me sometimes. I also worry about what will happen if my parents die because he actually has no sense of worry or paying bills so they’re doing him a disservice.

In your situation Id be tempted to say something but they’ll have a million excuses already and it’ll probably end up making you feel even more annoyed.

Of course parents are entitled to spend their money as they wish, but they do have to accept that inequity might well have an adverse effect on the relationship they have with the children who are not favoured. My parents were always completely evenhanded with me and my Dsis and I have carried this on to my 3 (now adult) DC.

But then in line with a lot of other posts here, it is not my money and not my place to say. My family is more important to me than £800 so I'd never make an issue of it.

As I've stated, just feels a bit unfair.

Some really weird responses here...most people would feel sad if their parents so obviously favoured one sibling over another. I think I would feel sad and confused if my parents bought my sibling a large present and me nothing. It would certainly change my opinion of how I was viewed by my parent. I would never treat my children this way as I love them equally.

I'd ask your dad how come you got a card and he gets a bike. It's a fair question

If you’re not prepared to make an issue of it and just want to be a martyr then why post here?!

I would definitely say something, all kids should be treated equally at whatever age! I would never do that to one of mine

YANBU. £800 on one, and a card for the other?! How strange and hurtful.

I think some posters are being a bit unfair. It’s a clear case of favouritism, same thing happens with inheritance. The not favoured child feels like it’s a reflection of how much they are loved and valued. I would never do this with my kids whatever their age.

It is unfair. But if your DF wants to favour him he can.

I would be making it clear that your DB is responsible for any care or money your DF needs in the future.

My parents are scrupulously fair with me and my 2 siblings. They spend exactly the same on us each Christmas and birthday. Yes I would feel a bit miffed about this! Is it a big birthday for your brother? His 40th or anything?

Of course it isn't fair. Taking the £s out of the equation, he has done something thoughtful for your brother's birthday. He couldn't be bothered to do similar for you or your sisters. That's the issue. My advice would be to not to let it fester. Be brave, polite, and straightforward, and simply ask why.

@Meraas

Just to sense check if my feelings are valid. I am highly sensitive and have a high moral compass so there was every chance I was just being a bit precious.

No. Just a regular birthday.

I don't think being fair necessarily means spending the same amount of money on everyone all of the time.

And no, I don't spend the same amount of money on my relatives and I don't have an even flow back either.

Someone did suggest the bike might be used for commuting - is this a possibility? A present to enable someone to get a better job or just to stay in their current job is very different to a casually expensive shiny toy.

If there's a back story of your dad always spending money on your brother and not the rest of you because he harbours some kind of 'boys are best' attitude, then I completely agree it's shit. However, I can't deduce that from one gift in isolation.

The other thing to consider is, if you needed an £800 bike and had no means to buy one, do you think your dad would buy you one? I mean, if you don't need a bike now, it's churlish to get upset, but if you think your dad wouldn't come through for you in the same way if you needed... that I get.

It's a bit like money for university or a wedding. Siblings might be in equal need of contributions... but not at the same time in their lives. He's not buying you an expensive toy now... but will he buy you one a few years later?

You mentioned you don't need someone to buy you stuff, because you earn your own way. TBH, I'd just feel proud of that. Your brother clearly doesn't have the same attitude, and I think yours is better. You can stand on your own two feet. I think that's worth more than a bike.

It’s very unfair but I don’t think you can do anything about it.

I wouldn’t be going to pick the bike up with him though!!

I think it's common curtesy to be fair. Not compulsory however as a parent why would you do this? Each to their own but I couldn't imagine driving a wedge between my adult DC. Very odd.

I think it does, yes. If one of the family is struggling then it’s reasonable for the parents to help them out.

Other children who are doing fine should not expect an expensive present just because (for example) one of you needed a bike to get to their new job and your parents bought them one.

My husband’s parents helped his brother to buy a new boiler last winter, it’d have been crazy to expect them also to dig into their savings to give us four thousand pounds as well.