Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

You are NOT being unreasonable. My mother gave my sister and brother and one of my sons £60k each in her will. She gave £10k to my sister's daughter and 1k to each of the other six grandchildren except my youngest who was then about 17. She told my other daughter and son (not the youngest) that they only got 1k because they didn't come to see her often enough - a little unfair as they lived 160 and 100 miles away and the one she gave £60k to was living almost on her doorstep so it was no effort for him to see her every week. They're all now smarmying up to mother's remaining sister who is rich. Licking her boots.

There's loads of unfairness in families. I feel for you.

Should say I'm not bothered for me at all as I'm fine and very happy. But I was pissed off for my three kids.

Grow up and by yourself a bike you can’t be serious

My Brother was always the Golden child and myself and my two sisters were always put on the back burner.

We let it go though as my mum lost a boy to drowning at 4yrs and my brother was diagnosed with type one diabetes at 11, he was always very poorly and in and out of hospital. We lost out alot on our parents love growing up but would rather be where I am than what they have been through.

If your parents shared their love equally let the money thing go. You never know it may be your turn one day!

I agree!

Yuck. Sounds so cringey 😢

They are SOOOOOO cringey. You are right. And my kids are wonderful.

This sounds to me as if the real problem is not a monetary question rather that you are the chauffeur to every doctor’s appointment. If it goes well you get a thank you and when your brother turns up for Christmas he is the best son on planet earth.
You should suggest a plan sharing the caring equally as this will increase in the future.

My father treat my 2 brothers and I the same. Equally s**t

We have this in my family - my parents are much closer to my older brother and he has always been the golden child. He does absolutely nothing for them, but they dance attendance on him still despite him now being in his early 40s! I've just learned to ignore the unfairness and the mollycoddling, but I do worry about the future when no doubt I will be expected to look after not just my own young family, but also my aging parents AND a middle aged brother who can't (or rather won't) do anything for himself. Our parents routinely spend a lot more time and money on my brother, to the extent that they have given him a 400k house and a 30k car in the last few years! He earns more than me and my husband put together (and we don't earn bad money), and also has far fewer outgoings. I try my hardest not to resent him or them and just to let it go, but there are times that it's hard!

A good reason for having only one child.

I can see why you feel it's unfair. The only think I can say that's positive is that perhaps your dad thinks that your DBro is struggling more than you and your sisters so he has given him a "useful" type present to get around on?

I have a strong moral compass but think you are behaving like a brat! A jealous brat!. My parents had given my siblings lots of financial support over the years but only one apart from me supports my dad now he is old and frail. It has gone against them as he rewrote his will a couple of years ago and has left the others out. They will get legal rights but that is it! So maybe keep quiet as you don't know ehat will happen later!!

^This

Wow that response escalated quickly. Called a brat twice and cut out of the will.

Ooohhhkkkaaayyy.

Escalated from an £800 bike?

Don't really know what to say to this. Another level.

Have you ever addressed it with your parents or do they try to explain the inequity away?

I am one of 4, with one brother, the rest are sisters. But when I was in financial difficulties, my parents wouldn’t help me out because it wouldn’t be fair on the others. Now I am a parent, I think I will help out my kids because they will have different needs. It probably works out over a lifetime.

Now I am a parent, I think I will help out my kids because they will have different needs. It probably works out over a lifetime
That is the strategy I’ve gone for.

By the way, I totally get it. Nobody who is posting on here will completely understand unless they are 1 of 4 or more and only 1 of the siblings is a brother!

Your post says 4 children, but you are not children your middle aged adults.
Sounds like you have a narcissistic injury (everyone has them even without actually being a narcissist - look it up)
Your dad can do whatever he wants, you are not entitled to anything. The problem is your expectation that things should be different to how they are.
Sorry harsh but true, hope you get over it.

Narcissistic injury

How did you come to that conclusion

I'm the exact same as you 3 girls and 1 boy siblings wise. I think I may have missed your posts prior.. as there's a lot of opinions on this thread. Adult children and children argue and feeling jealous is a normal emotion it's what you do with that feeling that is important.

I don't see what relevance the sex of your siblings makes though regarding OP. Unless one of my kids were homeless or they had a major leak or needed an urgent house repair or something along those lines I can't imagine giving one without the other especially for something that is not a necessity as such.

If OP parents needed care later on in life or even regular visits at their Carr home I hope it's her brother that makes the most effort.

I hope you let this go OP and make peace for your own sanity.

That's an odd Outlook. That's like sharing with your friend only after realising they won't share with you so you offer that person. But really the intention like your dad's wasn't there in the first place!

So now your willing to pick up the slack caring for your dad now he's frail and old? I think you've massively missed the principle here it isn't really the money it's the sheer principle.

I'd be offended if my dad changed his will based upon your experience. I'd do my share don't get me wrong but I wouldn't be bending over backwards because life doesn't work like that!

You reap what you sow!

No it isn’t fair and the likelihood is that when your parents need carers as they get older they will rely on you and your sister and not your brother. Parents often treat children differently and have different expectations. I gave my parents thousands to keep them afloat a few years ago and now I’m earning nothing due to first the pandemic destroying my business and then having a baby. My sister gets childcare off them all week and I never do. Whenever one of them ends up in hospital she disappears. Yet they still prefer her. It’s fine. People are shitbags.

@WFHinWinter maybe OP doesn't have a narcissistic injury I cannot know fully how upset/offended they are. They should be aware of this possibility though and I would guess that there is some element of that showing through.
I am eldest with 3 siblings and would never consider myself one of 4 children as I’m an adult.
I’ll say it again, OP is not entitled to anything , not even their personal idea of fairness.