She just needs a spanking !

[toddleedoo]

Does anyone here spank their kids ? I don't mean serious hitting, but a light clap on the bottom ?

I ask because I recently went on a shopping trip with my DS and my mother. My DS was an absolute nightmare. Having tantrums every time something didn't go his way and continuously throwing himself on the floor.

I don't shout at him in any way when he does this. I just try to distract him and if it doesn't work and he continues, I just kind of let him have his moment and do the whole, name his feelings ( you're so frustrated, mummy understands, it's not nice when we can't do what we want ) and then when he's ready I give him a cuddle. Or other times I just kind of stay near him and don't say much and just try to offer support by being near him. Recently it worked well when I said to him in a really call voice ' poor darling you're so sad and frustrated '. He seemed to calm down. Anyway, long story short, I try to be there, rather than tell him off.

My mum said I should just give him a little smack on his bottom and that would sort it out entirely. Some older people at the shopping centre got involved and were basically saying the same. I don't want to do that.

Am I being too soft though? At home, when he does something naughty like kick or jump around on the sofa, I put him on the step as a punishment. Only when he's actively defiant and hits or does something dangerous. I see him not listening / ignoring me / hitting and throwing stuff, as something that needs consequences, like going on the step.

Having melt downs because he can't get his way is a different thing to me and shouldn't be ' punished ' with a time out. Or should it ? How do you do it in public ?

Open to suggestions, I don't know what I'm doing ! I keep being told I'm too soft.

He is two and a half !

Should say HE in the title !!

The only people I know who have or do smack their children are really bad parents.

You're doing the right thing, your child will benefit from your calm approach in the long run. Reacting to a child's high emotions with violence will only make the entire situation worse.

Just tell your mum that you will never hit your child and don't indulge any conversation about it.

No of course you don’t ever smack your very young child. I don’t rate time outs like putting children on a step either. He’s so very young. You’re doing exactly the right things when he’s upset and letting off steam. You’re empathising with him, voicing his feelings and comforting him.

You might find the book No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury useful, it follows similar lines to what you’re already doing and know makes him feel better.

Don’t take advice from anyone advocating physical violence against anyone, least of all a two year old! Have confidence in yourself, your approach and your son.

No I don’t, I think it’s lazy parenting and totally the wrong message to send.

im very glad it’s now illegal in Wales. Horrible practice.

Seems your perspectives and approach is better, keep doing the best you can op, and avoid unproductive measures.

I absolutely would not smack for a tantrum, I tended to ignore mine on the very odd occasion he kicked off and then talked to him once he had calmed down. Carry on what you are doing, it feels right to you.

Thank you. I don't like doing the step if I'm honest. It only works some of the time anyway. What else can I do against that kind of behaviour ? When it's dangerous and he doesn't listen or when he throws stuff at other kids or is rough with them etc ? I will check out that book.

Smacking is lazy short-sighted parenting that has been proven to be harmful. What you're doing is fine, don't be undermined by your Mum and random strangers in shopping centres.

I don't believe in any sort of physical chastisement including spanking. I also don't shout at DD. The only time I have ever raised my voice has been as a warning when some danger is afoot, or she I had grabbed the cat in an attempt to hug him and I need her to immediately let go before he scratches.

If we are our and she has a tantrum usually I giver her a chance to calm down / comply and if it doesn't work I remove her from the situation.
I'm very lucky, I have one small child (and a teenage stepson who, despite many behavioural issues, is an idolised big brother who adores her and lives with us full time) and a very involved DH, so truthfully we limit the tasks I know she will struggle with and we are able to do that. For example, I take her grocery shopping but let her do the scanning or go to the shop at 9:30 in the morning On a Sunday so it's pretty empty and she can wander without getting in the way. I have once taken her and tried to also shop at a busy time with no plan when she was tired and it was a disaster. She lay on the floor and wailed and I did indeed have to pick her up and carry her out and she calmed down in the car and snuggled up in my lap.

If we are in a restaurant and she gets fussy or interrupts other people I tend to get up and take her outside, walk her around end point things out to distract her or take her places that cater to small children with a play area. I don't just let her tantrum or cry and disturb everyone else as I don't think it's fair on them - I've had a lot of cold coffees and meals as a result! I've learnt to pick wisely and drink fast 😂

I am very much of the view that it is perfectly acceptable to express your disappointment at not getting your own way and they have very limited communication skills at that age. Also I don't think punishing or hitting will actually deter the crying personally. I'd cry too if someone hit me.

If we are at home I just sit on the floor with her whilst she sobs and offer a hug when she's ready but it's been a while since we had such a moment.

I have to add as a disclaimer though that although she is very headstrong and opinionated DD isn't actually much of a tantrummer and she's very quick to communicate so much easier to understand what is wrong and understands what I am saying back too. I have learnt to carry an array of books / activities / snacks with me to distract and entertain and I'm usually pretty good at pre emoting unhappiness and heading it off.

All children are different and my approach wouldn't necessarily work with another child. I don't ever think hitting is a solution though, surely it just teaches a child we hit people who don't do what we tell them to do.

@toddleedoo when DD does something dangerous re another child or throws toys around, I usually remove her or the toy. So if she throws a toy or repeatedly stands on a chair I take it away for 2 mins and explain that she isn't using it properly so she can't have it for this period of time. This does usually result in lots of sobbing which I just ride out and sit with her coz I get it. She's disappointed.

If she bites someone (she went through a brief biting phase) I am really firm and either remove her from the biter or (if it was me) I put her down / step back and explain that I am leaving the room for two mins as I am so sad at being bitten.

Also. I sob. Really really sob about how much it hurt to be bit and how sad I am and SH comforts me and checks on me. It works. She gets that biting has hurt me and her intention isn't ever to hurt me so she says sorry and gives me a cuddle usually. And it just have helped as she stopped biting as quickly as it started.

That book deals with exactly those behaviours and useful ways to approach them. It’s a fast easy read and since I did I bang on about it to everyone. She has a podcast and a Facebook group, I’d definitely have a look and see if any of it chimes with you. DD is 3 and I wish I’d got it sooner but for stuff like hitting I’d gently hold their hands or put my arms around them (if it wouldn’t make them more angry) and say firmly “I can’t let you hit, hitting is dangerous and you could hurt someone. I’m going to sit with you until you feel better/take you for a walk/get some fresh air/get you a drink”. Not as a punishment but a circuit breaker. Then they probably cry because you stopped what they were doing, they’re angry, frustrated etc, you hug them if they want to be hugged and you move on.

I don’t think distracting or ignoring is always a helpful response to tantrums or outbursts because they’re trying to tell you something and you can either engage with them in that or not. There are times when it’s easier to do that than others and we all have days when they drive us mad and we just want them to behave nicely. But you’re already listening to your instincts to connect with him and comfort him when he’s doing normal stuff for his age and that’s great parenting. Keep trusting yourself.

Heck no, it's now illegal here in Wales anyway 🙌 you're doing the right thing, 2 year olds can be taxing and you have off days, shopping can be stressful and overwhelming for them.

You talk like that in public?

I don't judge much, but I judge - harshly - adults who hit children. Hit, smack, 'tap' - whatever. No excuses, ever.

Why would any good person choose to hit a child?

It's ok to tell a child off. Tell them that their behaviour is not ok. And then reflect back at them their feelings. But if you are just constantly calm and let the child tantrum then how will they learn what is acceptable?

Absolutely agree with others, hitting is not the right approach.

Oh behave.
Prioritising her child’s development is more important than some random thicko’s opinion.

I don’t agree with smacking, but can 2 year olds really name their feelings?
Isn’t it OK to tell a child not to behave in a certain way?

While I think smacking is wrong on one extreme I think your approach is veering towards the other extreme. Distraction is a good technique though but the best thing with a full on tantrum is not to sympathise but to ignore and to reward and reinforce good behaviour when it is occuring. You’re effectively rewarding tantrumming with all the there, there and you will just get more of them as they get sympathy. Keep reinforcing the behaviour you want to see and you should get more of that. Bit simplistic but the basics apply mostly.

But you are 100% correct re smacking whatever it’s called.

Hitting children is bad, lazy parenting and your approach is far better. Yes, you have to work at it - really plan and time your outings, make sure you are prepared with snacks, be ready to take your child out of a situation. None of that is more than a minor inconvenience.

By being calm in their presence, you are mirroring calm and reassurance. That is how young children learn to control their emotions - by seeing you do it, by learning that calm = feel better faster. Firm, calm, kind and consistent works every time. Many of the older generation know very little about child development, and some just don't want to know because 'my parents did it and I turned out alright'. Well no, you turned into someone who thinks hitting children is OK. Not alright at all.

My DM used to spank us. When watching me parent my DDs she came right out with it and told me she wished she'd known what I knew and done it my way.

Depends on the child and whether just two or nearly three. DD has told me if she’s sad, angry, hungry, annoyed, frustrated. If they can’t name it but you do or offer a few possibilities they learn what feelings are called and have a better chance of telling you next time. I’m sure OP knows her son’s level of understanding.

Please don’t do it.

Yes, 30 years ago spanking was normal and most parents did it.

My parents spanked me occasionally and I haven’t grown up hating them, but I remember them doing it and it didn’t do any good at the time.

We’ve moved on from inflicting violence on children, haven’t we?

That said, please don’t judge the old people for suggesting it. It was perfectly normal and acceptable in their day. Only a
minority do it now, and bear in mind it’s now unlawful in some parts of the UK.

He cannot name his feelings In any way. There's a theory that if you name them, they calm down. It has not worked for us yet !

Of course a child can be told what to do / told off when they've done wrong. I just think that moment comes before they're having a melt down / very upset. So for example, child doesn't want to leave shop and throws themselves on the floor. In the first throw down, I would tell them off. ' NO do not throw yourself on the floor. That's not OK'. Then if a tantrum comes about and child is upset, I would do as described in the OP. I'm not sure it's OK to tell off a child whilst they're very distraught and having a melt down. But open to suggestions and other views.

You sound like a lovely Mum, OP. My Mum has always said similar - a smack on the hand, bottom or legs. I can still remember the sting of a smack across the legs in a shop when I was about 4 or so. I will never and have never physically chastised my children. It is lazy and abusive parenting and there’s no place for it in 2022. Keep doing what you’re doing.

2 year olds don’t tantrum for fun. They’re reacting to things outside of their control. Most of the things that happen to two years old are outside of their control.

You’re not rewarding them by telling them you understand they’re hungry, tired, don’t want to leave the park yet etc. and giving them a hug.

But if you decide not to listen and to ignore them or tell them off you’re punishing them for having feelings and not enough language or sophistication to express them in a calm socially acceptable convenient way.

If you hit them you’re showing them hitting is an okay way to express anger or frustration.