She just needs a spanking !

[toddleedoo]

Does anyone here spank their kids ? I don't mean serious hitting, but a light clap on the bottom ?

I ask because I recently went on a shopping trip with my DS and my mother. My DS was an absolute nightmare. Having tantrums every time something didn't go his way and continuously throwing himself on the floor.

I don't shout at him in any way when he does this. I just try to distract him and if it doesn't work and he continues, I just kind of let him have his moment and do the whole, name his feelings ( you're so frustrated, mummy understands, it's not nice when we can't do what we want ) and then when he's ready I give him a cuddle. Or other times I just kind of stay near him and don't say much and just try to offer support by being near him. Recently it worked well when I said to him in a really call voice ' poor darling you're so sad and frustrated '. He seemed to calm down. Anyway, long story short, I try to be there, rather than tell him off.

My mum said I should just give him a little smack on his bottom and that would sort it out entirely. Some older people at the shopping centre got involved and were basically saying the same. I don't want to do that.

Am I being too soft though? At home, when he does something naughty like kick or jump around on the sofa, I put him on the step as a punishment. Only when he's actively defiant and hits or does something dangerous. I see him not listening / ignoring me / hitting and throwing stuff, as something that needs consequences, like going on the step.

Having melt downs because he can't get his way is a different thing to me and shouldn't be ' punished ' with a time out. Or should it ? How do you do it in public ?

Open to suggestions, I don't know what I'm doing ! I keep being told I'm too soft.

He is two and a half !

OP you're doing a great job. The older generation are the reason we are all in therapy.

No never. I've never understood how hitting someone is supposed to help. I'd put money on it that a tantrumming toddler isn't going to cry less from being hit! What you'd be being on, is the child not doing it again through fear of being asked. Nice.

Your approach is perfect - young children need support in learning to deal with their feelings, not abuse!

A two year old can't name all sorts of things, parents speaking, naming and explaining is how they learn.

By talking to them about feelings when little, by the time they are a bit older they tell you back. My kids are much older, I did what the OP is doing, it seemed to work with mine.

I’ve been there op. My middle child was the king of tantrums usually when he heard the word ‘no’ or something didn’t go his way

I used to just say ‘you have asked for x’
‘mummy said no- no is no’
and repeat

one memorable occasion involved a tantrum all round asda because I said no to doughnuts
very embarrassing but I didn’t give in. No is no

but smacking is not something I resorted to
As it’s totally counterproductive
you’re the parent - you get to deal with your child your way
Ignore the ‘advice’ from the older generation ( especially strangers in a shop) it’s been shown that it’s very poor advice

“If they are out of the shop immediately they will stop instantly.”

haha not in my experience. I mean, I did and do remove from the situation (I have toddlers still) but mine were quite capable of continuing the tantrum for a while after, it was just no longer in public. No instant stopping, that would be lovely

Someone upthread posted randomly about what about if a 10yo is smoking or something - why on earth would smacking help then?!

Distraction isn’t a good technique and nor is ignoring anger. When you do these things you teach a child that they can’t have those feelings, that those feelings are bad. But they aren’t. We all get angry, anger is your brain way of protecting you, what we need to do is teach our children HOW to cope with that anger and deal with what made them angry. When you distract from big feelings, or ignore or tell a child off for having big feelings you don’t give them the tools on how to cope with those feelings, you don’t encourage them to talk about feelings and it leads to all sorts of issues when they’re older.

OP the naughty step won’t help manage feelings either. You can ask them if they want some time alone if they need to calm down, but mostly the other things you’re doing, letting them experience those feelings and then reassure and talk through after are perfect. It’s really tough but keep at it. Sorry to hear that all those people got involved, I don’t get why on Earth anyone would see fit to do that. X

Would you hit your DM? Then there's your answer.
There is a middle ground between physical violence and being that parent saying "Don't do that Martha/Arlo, you're making Mummy sad" while everyone else sniggers.

The older generation are the reason we are all in therapy.

Speak for yourself! No-one I know is in therapy because of this and we were all smacked as children. I don't agree with it, but honestly all these posters who are scarred for life because their parents smacked them - get a grip. Before everyone piles on I'm not talking about people with abusive parents.

So easy to blame the 'older generation' for everything - I wonder what your kids will be blaming you for? In view of some of the posts on MN possibly for not teaching your kids how to deal with life's trials and disappointments.

I’m asian. My mum smack me a lot. In my culture its normal 😅. Me myself i dont smack my kids especially my 2yo. But i will very stern and tell them with stern and serious face. My kids listen.

I agree. I have never smacked my children. Physical chastisement is also illegal where I live too. England needs to catch up TBH.

But if my approach to tantrums at 2.5 was ignore, ignore, ignore. This is why I had a double buggy, so when DS1 had his tantrums while out, he would be put in the buggy to calm down. Nothing more fun that pushing a screaming child around in the pram.

in my head, I’d deal with my child like I’d deal with another adult. I would scream at my grandmother, I wouldn’t put my friend on a naughty step, why would you do that to a child? They’re people with feelings. They don’t learn how to self soothe and manage their feelings till they’re about four or five, they don’t have the skills to do it and you can’t teach it, it’s like walking and talking they learn those skills when they’re developmentally ready. So you can shout all you want, they aren’t actually learning. I’m sure lots of people will be along to tell me I’m wrong because they’re kids were different and shouting at them/time outs made them behave, but science has proved this is not true and the best way is to support through the behaviour and then discuss once they’re calm.

There’s all sorts of stuff going on in a 2yo’s brain, smacking isn’t going to teach them anything.

you sound like a lovely mum, OP. You’re not spoiling him as some posters have suggested. I patented in a similar way with my DCs and they have become thoughtful, respectful and all-round awesome young people.

Also OP ‘How to talk so little kids will listen’ is an excellent book, as is Sarah Ockwell Smith, she has lots of free stuff online.

Odd that the “older generation” who were raised the same way weren’t/aren’t in therapy. Smacking is obviously wrong and achieves nothing but complete lack of discipline does children no favours either. When mine had a tantrum I just walked away, it was amazing how quickly it stopped when it got no reaction.

God, no way to smacking, also no way to the mollycoddling way either but each to their own on that one as it's not abuse so non of my business

No but I do think a stern and firm voice and telling to stop it now or you won't have xyz is far better than all the molly coddling you have been doing to be honest that is just rewarding the unwanted behaviour and makes like very difficult and embarrassing when you go out anywhere. He does need to learn boundaries I'm afraid and he needs you to be the one in charge otherwise you have a nightmare on your hands

Please don't start spanking your child. I used to have the shit beaten out of me. I grew up resenting my parents for it.

Think of it this way - if your partner spanked you or hit you it would be construed as domestic violence.

She's a lovely mum but her son will be running rings around her making her life a misery every time she wants to go out anywhere and she will be a nervous wreck no doubt ! Middle ground needed

No, even the slightest smack is saying’be afraid of me, I’m bigger, I can hurt you.’ Plus one small tap, where does it go to when you’re at the end of your tether? Right back to the 80s!!! My mum used to smack. She never smacked me but my brother and sister used to get a light smack and I always thought it horrible and they definitely have a different outlook on their childhood than I do

Ps op we’ve all been there, there’s a reason it’s known as the terrible twos!!!!

Smacking is wrong and damaging. It DID harm me, and my parents were nothing out of the norm for the 70s. I am so glad that many countries have banned it now. Call it by its proper name, it’s hitting a small child.

I’m not sure that rewarding a tantrum with attention is the right way though. A child having a full on tantrum doesn’t take much in anyway.

I've never smacked, I'm not sure which generation people are on about but my eldest is 27 and I don't know anyone at that time who thought smacking was a good idea. I also have younger dc, youngest is now 9

I've always just ignored or removed and spoke to them when they've calmed down. I'm not convinced they are taking much in right in the middle of a tantrum and I've watched children become even more angry/upset etc when parents have tried to reason with them

I've done the naming of feelings with my youngest. She is the one out of mine who tantrums the least at her age. She now cones to me and tells me 'I feeling sad' or 'I feeling cross' and we have a cuddle.

No smacking isn't the way but you can be firm and use the word no. Distraction can sometimes work but you aren't telling them the behaviour is wrong.