She just needs a spanking !

[toddleedoo]

Does anyone here spank their kids ? I don't mean serious hitting, but a light clap on the bottom ?

I ask because I recently went on a shopping trip with my DS and my mother. My DS was an absolute nightmare. Having tantrums every time something didn't go his way and continuously throwing himself on the floor.

I don't shout at him in any way when he does this. I just try to distract him and if it doesn't work and he continues, I just kind of let him have his moment and do the whole, name his feelings ( you're so frustrated, mummy understands, it's not nice when we can't do what we want ) and then when he's ready I give him a cuddle. Or other times I just kind of stay near him and don't say much and just try to offer support by being near him. Recently it worked well when I said to him in a really call voice ' poor darling you're so sad and frustrated '. He seemed to calm down. Anyway, long story short, I try to be there, rather than tell him off.

My mum said I should just give him a little smack on his bottom and that would sort it out entirely. Some older people at the shopping centre got involved and were basically saying the same. I don't want to do that.

Am I being too soft though? At home, when he does something naughty like kick or jump around on the sofa, I put him on the step as a punishment. Only when he's actively defiant and hits or does something dangerous. I see him not listening / ignoring me / hitting and throwing stuff, as something that needs consequences, like going on the step.

Having melt downs because he can't get his way is a different thing to me and shouldn't be ' punished ' with a time out. Or should it ? How do you do it in public ?

Open to suggestions, I don't know what I'm doing ! I keep being told I'm too soft.

He is two and a half !

You sound like a good mum and don't let these dinosaurs undermine you.

Hitting a small child is never appropriate.

My 2.5yr old can name her feelings. When she was younger i would name them for her 'you're feeling cross/sad/worried'. Now she come to me saying 'I feeling cross mummy' and asks for a hug.

Most parents know when the naming feelings is going to help and when it might not, don’t worry, and most have the imagination not to only be able to think of using an annoying soft voice that you are clearly imagining. They aren’t stupid, they know their children and you can trust them to most of the time be deploying the right strategy.

Meltdowns in public, I used to just pick them up, take them out and go home. I would walk away from full shopping trolleys if necessary. Would do the same at a park or pool or party, although I very rarely had to do it. My twins wised up.

It doesn’t even work. Seriously. So many studies have shown that. Kids don’t associate the smack with their behaviour and most of the time they behave the way they do because they are completely overwhelmed.

The best thing you can do is try deep breath, let them go through it and be there for them, distraction if t out can. Then once they’re out of it, sit and talk it through.

another great one is day “are you feeling cross? Do you feel really cross?” And then you can ask them to draw how cross they feel or squeeze something, whatever. Gives them that feeling of control and that they are understood. And often gets them out of it as they won’t expect that from you initially 😂

It’s so sad how many people still think hitting children is a good idea. It’s bad enough when adults do it as they can’t cope but the people who purposefully plan it. Ugh!

You sound like a truly lovely mum!

Smacking is definitely a generational thing and was completely normalised when I was a child. I mean, if your own teacher was permitted to smack you, then what hope was there really?!
I'm glad things have swung the other way. A little too much sometimes, but still better than smacking.

I agree, my mother was a frequent smacker- it was horrible. She justified it as a "tap", but hard enough to leave a red imprint on my body.
Like you "mycatisannoying" physical punishment happened at school on a daily basis. Throughout primary and secondary children at school were thrashed with a leather belt, called a tawse on an outstreched hand and wrist. We called it "getting the belt" - there were many instances of pupils having broken wrists as a rsult

I used to be a "I was smacked as a kid and it did me no harm" person and then it all came to the surface and I had to acknowledge how it made me feel and the effect it had on me. I think a lot of people have to believe it was harmless because they don't want to explore those feelings.

If you ask children why they are smacked they will say things like "adults hit because they are big and kids are small". It sends all the wrong messages.

I wouldn't ever spank my children.

I don't smack no. It's not a black and white where you either smack, or don't discipline at all?!

But I wouldnt just put up with a lot of tantrums like that.

In my experience there are two kinds of tantrum:

1)tired/hungry tantrum, which you can usually see coming and which you rapidly learn to avoid most of the time with timely food/rest.

2. "I didn't get my way" tantrum. These ones are tricky. Yes it's important to let them have feelings etc but you also do need to teach them that screaming on the floor for 20 mins because you got the red cupcake not the yellow one, is not acceptable behaviour.

In your shoes I probably would have picked him up and removed him and not continued the shopping trip, or strapped him into a buggy where he couldn't keep chucking himself on the floor. I would not have just let him rip on disturbing loads of other people for ages.

I think you sound lovely. @toddleedoo and I like your approach.

It must have felt horrible having to fend off comments from the people saying your son should be smacked. I’m cringing at the image of them all tutting. So mean!

When my children were young and if they threw a really bad tantrum and we were out I would simply tell them they were upset and I was taking them home. So if at the park and had a tantrum because they did not want to wait their turn for a swing I would encourage them to calm down, remind everyone.wanted a turn so wait for their turn, if they refused to calm, I would pick them up and take them home. They soon learned not to tantrum when out as they knew they would be taken home.

My mum says the same to me, says I baby my son etc when I talk him through his feelings and tantrums etc.

Today he was getting a bit aggy in the car and he turned to me and went mum this is making me feel frustrated and I was like yes I'm here to help there's no need to get worked up and I just felt so vindicated that this parenting style is working and it's so rewarding

Never listen to older people who went through their own childhood trauma and want cycles of bad parenting to continue!

My foster son used to thump and kick when he first came to us and he had Oscar award tantrums. I used to sit him on a comfy chair and tell him to sit on his hands after he had thumped someone. Then I used to read to him. His tantrum stopped and he would sometimes fall asleep. I think tiredness is often at root of a tantrum.

Don't agree with smacking, at all, ever.

It tells them its okay to hit when you're annoyed.
it tells them you will hurt them if they upset you.
It makes them more likely to lie and hide things from you.
it makes them associate anger with being hit.
It abuses your power as an adult.

I forgot I used to do this! If we were at home and I couldn't calm the tantrum, I'd go get a book, sit a short distance away and just start reading aloud. It didn't always work, but it did about half the time. They'd get curious, come over and sit down to listen.

Music sometimes worked too.

Why are we talking about tantrums? Tantrums as many have said, are a child not yet having control of hi emotions, they are a developmental thing not naughtiness.
Of the people I know who smack their kids, it is never for tantrums it is for repeated disobedience, when other disciplinary methods have failed.

Because the OP says she was advised to smack for a tantrum, that’s why we’re talking about it. Do you want to talk about physical punishment for repeated disobedience?

And they're shit parents for doing it. What's your point?

PepsiMax that's brilliant! Makes all the effort worthwhile doesn't it?