She just needs a spanking !

[toddleedoo]

Does anyone here spank their kids ? I don't mean serious hitting, but a light clap on the bottom ?

I ask because I recently went on a shopping trip with my DS and my mother. My DS was an absolute nightmare. Having tantrums every time something didn't go his way and continuously throwing himself on the floor.

I don't shout at him in any way when he does this. I just try to distract him and if it doesn't work and he continues, I just kind of let him have his moment and do the whole, name his feelings ( you're so frustrated, mummy understands, it's not nice when we can't do what we want ) and then when he's ready I give him a cuddle. Or other times I just kind of stay near him and don't say much and just try to offer support by being near him. Recently it worked well when I said to him in a really call voice ' poor darling you're so sad and frustrated '. He seemed to calm down. Anyway, long story short, I try to be there, rather than tell him off.

My mum said I should just give him a little smack on his bottom and that would sort it out entirely. Some older people at the shopping centre got involved and were basically saying the same. I don't want to do that.

Am I being too soft though? At home, when he does something naughty like kick or jump around on the sofa, I put him on the step as a punishment. Only when he's actively defiant and hits or does something dangerous. I see him not listening / ignoring me / hitting and throwing stuff, as something that needs consequences, like going on the step.

Having melt downs because he can't get his way is a different thing to me and shouldn't be ' punished ' with a time out. Or should it ? How do you do it in public ?

Open to suggestions, I don't know what I'm doing ! I keep being told I'm too soft.

He is two and a half !

You're absolutely right on the smacking. Going round shops is bloody boring for children so you can't really blame them for having a tantrum. It might be helpful to have a little bribe eg at the end we will go to a cafe and have a milkshake. Then if he starts misbehaving you can say "help me get this done quickly so we can get the milkshake". I'd also take a guess that one reason your DS kicked off this time is because you were talking to your mum and he perhaps felt left out. You might find that if he is part of the conversation he behaves better!

Smacking is illegal where I live.

It should be in England too. It is in over 60 countries including all our neighbouring countries. We're lagging behind re assaulting children

I never smacked for tantrums, but I didn't sympathise with them either. I just ignored them if it was remotely possible.

The tantrummer at that age was usually in the buggy so not throwing themselves on the floor.

None of my three were really big tantrummers and the ones they did have tended to coincide with when we were out and they became overtired. So best to ignore it and they would fall asleep.

Ignore your mother. She probably means well, but times have moved on now. You do what you are comfortable with.

Not a smacker myself, but when I watch yhese superannuation programmes and they are putting the chikd back on t he naughty step or to bed like 50 times. I find myself willing them to give the kid a smacked bum

I got spanked as a child and it was awful as there was no caring afterwards.

I don’t see harm in it being used correctly, as a form of punishment. However peoples definition of what requires punishment and how much is different.

Would I spank a child - no I would feel like I’ve lost control of myself. Same reason I don’t fight, it’s disgusting. I’m not a mother.

However my SIL says she would but I’ve never seen her do it and her children are well well behaved.

There is of course the online spanking community and there is a certain cohort who spank their partner. To be fair that sounds appealing to me but I’m a psycho.

Answer me this - if your kid keeps on doing something that is harmful for them, and they don’t listen to you, what will make them listen to you? I’m not talking about a two year old, but say a 10 year old smoking.

Same to be fair. Show them who is boss and get them to submit.

My mum always smacked me on the back of the leg, never left a mark but was a shock after a prior warning. I was fully prepared to do it with my own children before pregnant because I felt like it disciplined me. However, my feelings changed and when I had DD, her opinion changed too and she said she couldn't imagine it.

With my own DD who is 5, we tend to talk about our feelings, why she can't do certain things and hug it out after. Explain to him why he can't chuck himself on the floor (although as an adult I feel like doing it myself sometimes!). The key is also actually teaching your child feelings first, there's a few books, games and flashcards out there to do this.

2 is still quite young but you can start talking about feelings with the help of the above. They have "big feelings" over irrational things and maybe you could just refer to those, if not. "Are you having some big feelings about leaving? That's ok! How about you get up off of the floor and we have a chat about what we can do instead." Try and teach some breathing techniques to get him to calm down in the moment that you can remind him of then talk about what ideas you/he has for what you could do when you get home as a distraction. Would that work?

It takes a while and is a work in progress but my DD's behaviour has really improved. Although, the challenges of behaviour change with time as well, so whenever you think you've cracked it, something new crops up. Look at him and his behaviour as a whole and not just those individual scenarios, it'll help you feel better about things.

Op I find it's a generation thing. My DM always said the same when the kids were younger. When I countered her suggestion it was always met with 'well it never did you any harm' type comments. She might have a point in that yes, the thought of getting smacked might have stopped certain behaviours. But it also eroded the trust and relationship I had with both parents. Fear has no place in the relationship between parent and child and that's what it created.

So on one hand if your objective is to have well behaved DC at whatever cost then that's her objective met but to the detriment of other things. But you sound lovely and you want to bring up a well rounded DS and it sounds like you are doing a great job.

They think we are all snowflakes and that we are parenting all wrong. I do think that we (as a parenting generation) can go too far the other way sometimes with our 'understanding' approach but I still think that's better to cultivate a relationship with our DC for their future years than the 'old' way!

No, don't hit your child.

I was smacked and 'spanked' as a child.
I have never been able to forgive it and though I love my parents I cannot understand why they thought it was ok. It really can damage a person for life.

I have never ever hit my children, and have been just as tested as anyone else. I am so glad I never gave in and parented them they way I was parented. Hitting small children in your power is bullying,domineering, at best very lazy. For children it's bewildering and humiliating, it made me withdraw from parents as a coping mechanism.

Your son is at the age where you need to accept tantrums will be part of life.
You might choose carefully where to take him (if possible) shopping centres could be a recipe for a tantrum .

Good to have clear and understandable boundaries so if hitting with a toy, lose the toy etc and accept that his reaction to this will probably be a tantrum, this too wil pass !

I can't believe that some random people in the shopping centre were sticking their beaks in and telling you to hit your 2yr old. They are definitely the ones who are out of step, not you!

I would tell granny she is out of order and needs a time out. You are doing the education, end of. You are right and your toddler will get out of the "zone" soon. I tend to get the child on the floor at home and get out of the way. It upsets me to see them upset. They can't get hurt, they are safe. Then I just get out. They stop on their own, then when they are calm I go back and talk to them. But I have a girl though, and she talks at 2 and a half. I would ask her if she understands why I put her there, tell her she did wrong and why, and that she should not do it again. She will agree verbally. And that would be it. Or perhaps she would disobey again in the next 5 mn, and I would tell her off, but this time there would be no tantrums. She would have registered. Diverting the attention works a lot. And it's funny how they can start then stop almost immediately.
My kids tend to be on really "bad behaviour" mode just before falling ill. It took me 2 kids to notice it was a pattern. So really I don't see how a smack can fix a child feeling completely unwell and expressing it as best as he/she can.
Sod the old ways.

I never hit my children so no don’t agree with that. But I wouldn’t be calling them darling if they were kicking off in the middle of the supermarket either. I used a firm voice, told them to get up and if they didn’t they were removed from wherever we were. Kids on shopping trips chucking tantrums are usually wanting toys or treats and the tantrum is expressing anger not sadness. Or else they’re tired and you should take them home anyway.

My kids used to do a music class with a mum who was obsessed with time out and used to put her kid in the corner during the class and then ignore the screaming for the 2 or 3 minutes and march them back to the corner if they left. Sometimes two or three times in a 30 min class. Drove me crazy - take them outside the rest of us do not need to be part of this. It never seemed to occur to her that her child was the only one in the class who consistently misbehaved so maybe her methods weren’t working.

This too. They need to understand that they don't get to have a public, and they don't get to stay on the scene when they have a tantrum. If they are out of the shop immediately they will stop instantly. If you need to go someplace you need to know that their misbehaviour, your and their discomfort will last no more then a couple of minutes. Otherwise it will keep you out of social life. And it might last way after the terrible twos.

Hitting children doesn’t work but tbh the modern approach to parenting doesn’t work too well either unless you do it fairly well - I know loads of (apparently) NT kids still having tantrums well into their junior school years.

Most kids just grow out of it. My 2 year old couldn’t “name his feelings” since he didn’t speak until he was three.

They just have to learn that a tantrum never, ever, ever gets them what they want. And learn to control that incandescent rage that grips them.

My ds had entirely grown out of tantrums until this hot weather, and now for some reason he becomes a screaming ball of fury over the slightest thing (corner of his biscuit breaks off; socks fall off the table… literally anything sets him off).I remove him from the scene of the crime and wait a few seconds - he usually is so shocked by his own outburst that after a few seconds, He just wants a cuddle and then he will be completely calm. It is pretty scary and exhausting handling the big feelings,

anyway he is in a cuddly phase so now I’m wondering if he screams just to get a cuddle, so I’m reminding him if he wants a cuddle he can have one any time and no need to scream!

oh it’s difficult.

but hitting a child is not effective and considered counter productive.

The first and only time my ds threw himself on the floor and had a tantrum in a shop, I walked away as though I was completely unconcerned and then hid behind something to watch him. He immediately stopped, looked around and then came looking for me. I went straight back to him and all was OK. Not saying this would be OK for all children, but I acted out of gut instinct knowing my child. They do pick up our cues and push our buttons.May be something to think about maybe?

Was never spanked and never spanked.

Was often complimented on both ds's behaviour when they were little when we were out and about. Not saying they were Perfect Peters at all times, in fact, eldest ds was later diagnoses with ADD.

@WhatsInAMolatovMocktail there seem to be a lot of angry adults and heated tempers around during this heatwave too. No wonder little ones are out of sorts. Sounds like you are doing all the right things!

I don't even think the right or wrong is relevant here, I'm not convinced a smack would actually do much mid tantrum anyway.

So presumably if this is your mother then she used to hit you too? And you must have known she would advocate it? Why has this suddenly come up if your DS is 2? Have you not been out with him and your mum before? I’m a bit confused why you’re asking when you clearly know it’s not right - did you seriously think a few MNetters would come on and say yeah actually your mums got a point just smack your toddler? And you’d then say thanks for the advice?!

Being dragged around the shops is torture for most people never mind a small child. Maybe your mum, with her infinite wisdom, could take care of him so you could shop in peace.

I wondered if anyone would say it is effective for them tbh.

I was barely smacked because I made sure it wasn't required. I saw my older sister misbehaving and I wasn't going to end up the same way.

So um, the first tantrum started before we even entered a shop. And also, I say shopping trip, but the trip was more for him, as they have lots of activities in this place for children. The trip was centred around him. I went into 1 shop, while my mum waited outside and we tried to have lunch. It wasn't actually a proper shopping trip.

He gets to do two activities he loves while we are there, plus endless looking at the water fountain and two ice creams.... as in, two scoops, one after another. It's really hardly dragging him around the shops. It's a trip mainly for him. Just thought I should make that clear, as my OP does make it sound like we dragged him around the shops.

About ten years ago now, my friend & I were shopping — a little boy about two/three started having a complete and total meltdown at the checkout. You could hear his screaming and crying and yelling all over the entire store, and when we approached the front, there was his mum — quietly standing there, not reacting.

She finished checking out and moved her cart to the front of the store, all the time the little one continued to scream. By the sounds of it, you’d have thought he was being tortured alive, but his mum was just calmly standing there.

It was upsetting to witness, but I can’t imagine what that young mum must’ve felt - she looked so calm. I felt so bad for them both. He was still screaming and crying hysterically as we left.

I don't believe in hitting.
Or in pretending that it's not hitting by calling it 'spanking', or 'a tap'. Imo that's done to avoid feeling bad about hitting a child. If someone hits their child, they should have the balls to say the word and acknowledge that they are attempting to correct behaviour through fear and pain instead of muttering bollocks about how it causes the child no discomfort. You're not stroking them with a bloody feather, love! I promise you they feel pain!

I was hit as a child and it left me scarred. As I'm sure is evident. I still flinched when my dad made a sudden movement near me when I was an adult with my own children! And my dad had the nerve to tell me I made him feel bad! Fuck you. I'm glad I did!

I also spent decades afraid of making my mum angry in any way and doing everything to appease her at the expense of anyone else in my life. That's what her slapping me across the face and grabbing me and whacking me across my bare legs did. It didn't teach me not to be shy in front of strangers (yes, I got hit across the face for that). It taught me to be scared of ever displeasing my mother and that cost me dearly over the years I can tell you.

Hitting your kid messes them up. Whether that's by leaving them flinching when you suddenly move your hand to scratch your nose or by telling you yeah, hit your kids, it never did me any harm.

That's what all the "I bet you're feeling really X" stuff is for - 2yos can't name their feelings very well so they need help to learn.