She just needs a spanking !

[toddleedoo]

Does anyone here spank their kids ? I don't mean serious hitting, but a light clap on the bottom ?

I ask because I recently went on a shopping trip with my DS and my mother. My DS was an absolute nightmare. Having tantrums every time something didn't go his way and continuously throwing himself on the floor.

I don't shout at him in any way when he does this. I just try to distract him and if it doesn't work and he continues, I just kind of let him have his moment and do the whole, name his feelings ( you're so frustrated, mummy understands, it's not nice when we can't do what we want ) and then when he's ready I give him a cuddle. Or other times I just kind of stay near him and don't say much and just try to offer support by being near him. Recently it worked well when I said to him in a really call voice ' poor darling you're so sad and frustrated '. He seemed to calm down. Anyway, long story short, I try to be there, rather than tell him off.

My mum said I should just give him a little smack on his bottom and that would sort it out entirely. Some older people at the shopping centre got involved and were basically saying the same. I don't want to do that.

Am I being too soft though? At home, when he does something naughty like kick or jump around on the sofa, I put him on the step as a punishment. Only when he's actively defiant and hits or does something dangerous. I see him not listening / ignoring me / hitting and throwing stuff, as something that needs consequences, like going on the step.

Having melt downs because he can't get his way is a different thing to me and shouldn't be ' punished ' with a time out. Or should it ? How do you do it in public ?

Open to suggestions, I don't know what I'm doing ! I keep being told I'm too soft.

He is two and a half !

It's a little bit worrying the amount of people who can't possibly imagine how you can implement boundaries without hitting or screaming 😬

This is great advice

Plenty of kids of 5 have tantrums. Most of the them have them outside of school precisely because the act of bottling up all their big emotions all day is just too much.

I never hit, smacked, tapped mine either. Though I did verbally I guess. Hold their hands and shout STOP.

They know their feelings and can verbalise them... 20 and 21 now, my goodness can they verbalise them... which I think is more a thing of the times rather than anything done or not done parent wise.

Lol, yes well point well made by I still can’t fully agree. To me enforcing rules and boundaries in parenting should somewhat reflect real world (at its best) consequences rather than totally fantastic ones

But in the real world you can't just go around hitting the people that are being dicks.

Sometimes kids are dicks. We as parents have to manage that in a way which doesn't damage them.

Quite.

It's as if if you don't hit your kids you are 100% raising a "spirited" little brat who inconveniences everyone around him. There are a thousand shades of grey.

Or those who say that smacking is fine because screaming and shouting abuse at your kids is just as bad. Do these people really think that these are the only options available?

Since they’ve been taught that all that will result in is sympathy and being asked to name their feelings?

This is what I'm talking about, it isn't an either or situation, it's not if I don't hit my child then the only other option is this shit ffs

And agree with @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz not getting the Ice Cream etc is a big consequence for a small child

“your feelings matter” =/= “you can have anything you want” =/= “there are no consequences to your actions”

really I think some people on here might understand this stuff better if someone had talked to them about their feelings when they were growing up

This is why it is so so hard to break generational cycles of abuse in families

Luckily with smacking public opinion and (in some UK countries) the law is helping those who want to break the cycle feel supported that they are doing the right thing.

@HippoLover2 my eldest child wasn't smacked but we did parent punitively and he was the child still having tantrums at 7. My younger two I never really punished and they are by far the better behaved. My eldest still struggles emotionally. I have so many regrets over my parenting of him. Because I took the time to help name my younger ones feelings and help them contain those big emotions they learnt how to self regulate pretty quickly.
You mentioned over children reacting violently to children who havent been punished out of their tantrums and this isn't my experience at all. The children who act violently in the playground are all most always the children who have been parented with smacking or the children who have additional needs.
I live in a leafy middle class area where the vast majority of people parent without smacking or even time outs, the kids of place that is mocked relentlessly on mumsnet for having 'wet' parents. The schools aren't overrun with spoilt violent bullies. Quite the opposite! None of my children have encountered bullying or violence in primary or secondary school.

Never parented a small child, but I’m trying to imagine how useful and effective it would be to slap someone who is basically in sensory and emotional overload because, y’know, their brains are still growing. I am certain any parent out there occasionally loses their shit because toddler behaviour is basically like trying to negotiate with an extremely drunk narcissist, and I don’t think a slap because you’ve lost it will ruin the relationship forever. I do think systematic smacking and threats of it achieve sod all. I recall being smacked and knowing my mum had entirely lost the plot because I’d provoked her but I had zero idea why and what to do about it. It was just horrible and humiliating and I don’t recall anything other than being afraid of doing the same again. I think it was acceptable to generations who basically saw toddler behaviour as wilful and calculated and something to be controlled, never mind the child’s feelings. But small children are not miniature adults and you wouldn’t find it acceptable to control an adult by smacking them.

I think people worry a lot about ' nipping it in the bud ' because they don't want them growing up with no boundaries.

But as has been explained here by many posters, you can still teach boundaries without hitting and screaming.

I'm still learning how to do it and in the right way and right situations. I've definitely resorted to screaming / shouting and it doesn't work !

Still learning. Very honestly. I absolutely was not taught. Life makes you realise that you have to learn the basics when you are small. Life is tough it's only get's tougher.

By labelling feelings etc only, are you not just showing them it's OK to have that tantrums?

Absolutely not.

Bt labelling and validating feelings you are teaching a child that the emotion (ie their internal experience) is entirely valid and normal, and you are helping them to recognise it and therefore communicate with words (rather than with behaviour) to others when it arises. Alongside this, you also need to teach a child healthy coping strategies, which means they can learn to manage the emotion in a healthier way and better regulate their internal worlds.

Therefore, labelling the emotion (i.e. teaching emotional literacy) is an essential first step to the healthy expression of emotions, because it makes it easier for a child to say "I feel angry/ sad" etc and ask for help with that emotion, rather than feel overwhelmed by it and throw themselves on the floor in a tantrum.

So, on the contrary, labelling the emotion is in fact a helpful step in reducing tantrums.

@HippoLover2 you're saying a smack for a child is covering the questions 'how do you teach them that it’s not ok to inconvenience every one else because of how they feel?'

So if there's a group of young men or women in my town centre, having had a little too much to drink, being a tad noisy or boisterous, it's OK to go up and slap them? Because that'll teach them that it's not ok to inconvenience everyone else won't it? Or is that not the case because you get into trouble for slapping an adult just because you're pissed off?

What's good for a child, who is a lot smaller than an adult, should surely be fine for an adult? Isn't that how perpetrators of DV excuse their actions - she/he was annoying me so I walloped them?

Go down to his level, look him in the eyes and say “you look hot, tired and sad? Is that right?”

My DS literally couldn’t carry on when he got tired when little- the tantrums were exhaustion. He just needed someone to pick him up, carry him home and put him to bed.

Spanking sets a terrible precedent of injustice and assault. How is beating him going to teach him to be calm and well behaved?

What smacking a child teaches them is that it's OK to hit someone who is smaller than you are when you are annoyed with them. This isn't the lesson we should be teaching our children.

The law and ethics aside, the main problem is that smacking doesn't work! A light/medium smack wouldn't stop the tantrum, so why bother? It doesn't sound like your method works either... I never found a method that worked, just had to griz on through the embarrassment until they were around age 4.

The law and ethics aside, the main problem is that smacking doesn't work! A light/medium smack wouldn't stop the tantrum, so why bother?

It temporarily relieves the parent's tension. The peanut gallery will then tell you what a terrific parent you are, so you can feel all morally superior in your lazy, self-indulgent shitness.

Distraction sometimes works. A little girl was kicking off in the supermarket today and her mother was getting really stressed. I stopped and said "Oh, I love your dress, you look like a fairy!" She looked at me, stopped and smiled. It wouldn't have worked if her mother had done it, she's too familiar. Unexpected, from a total stranger, there's the element of surprise that just breaks the screamy cycle.

Thank goodness it's illegal in Scotland. If I seen someone smack their children I would have no hesitation in phoning the police and social services. None whatsoever.

Aw I can guarantee that mother was supremely grateful to you, @ReneBumsWombats! What a lovely person you sound.

I agree- I would phone the police if I saw anyone being assaulted- no matter their age.

Thank you. I'm an arsehole. But I like kids and I know how hard it is when they tantrum in public. I remember how grateful I was when people were nice about it.

Smacking is never appropriate.

You do sound like you are doing completely the wrong thing though. A toddler can't name their feelings! If I was cross (tired, hot, hungry, not getting what I wanted) and I had you hovering around me constantly asking me to name my feelings in a soft voice I don't think it would help me calm down either 🤣 I get the rage on your little ones behalf just thinking about it.

I suggest you give your poor ds some space fgs. Let him know it's not acceptable but then leave him somewhere safe to calm down. (Move him if you have to in order to get a safe place to work it out of his system)