She just needs a spanking !

[toddleedoo]

Does anyone here spank their kids ? I don't mean serious hitting, but a light clap on the bottom ?

I ask because I recently went on a shopping trip with my DS and my mother. My DS was an absolute nightmare. Having tantrums every time something didn't go his way and continuously throwing himself on the floor.

I don't shout at him in any way when he does this. I just try to distract him and if it doesn't work and he continues, I just kind of let him have his moment and do the whole, name his feelings ( you're so frustrated, mummy understands, it's not nice when we can't do what we want ) and then when he's ready I give him a cuddle. Or other times I just kind of stay near him and don't say much and just try to offer support by being near him. Recently it worked well when I said to him in a really call voice ' poor darling you're so sad and frustrated '. He seemed to calm down. Anyway, long story short, I try to be there, rather than tell him off.

My mum said I should just give him a little smack on his bottom and that would sort it out entirely. Some older people at the shopping centre got involved and were basically saying the same. I don't want to do that.

Am I being too soft though? At home, when he does something naughty like kick or jump around on the sofa, I put him on the step as a punishment. Only when he's actively defiant and hits or does something dangerous. I see him not listening / ignoring me / hitting and throwing stuff, as something that needs consequences, like going on the step.

Having melt downs because he can't get his way is a different thing to me and shouldn't be ' punished ' with a time out. Or should it ? How do you do it in public ?

Open to suggestions, I don't know what I'm doing ! I keep being told I'm too soft.

He is two and a half !

@HippoLover2 I agree with your points to an extent too, which are the points my mum makes. If you don't directly show them that tantrums are wrong, then how can they learn ?

By labelling feelings etc only, are you not just showing them it's OK to have that tantrums?

The way I do it, is to tell him as soon as he starts the tantrum that it's NOT OK to throw yourself on the floor because you can't have what you want. If it continues, then I do the naming of feelings etc as described and remove them from the place. I have no idea if that's the right way. My mum would react angrily, telling the child off during the tantrum and possibly smacking etc.

My mum says what you say, which is, that the child will grow up thinking it's OK if they're not properly punished for a tantrum.

I've just been thinking that by age 4-5, when they lessen and when understanding improves, that would be the point at which you can properly explain to them that it's completely out of line and they cannot act that way. Surely there are lots of things which we cannot learn at 2-3 years old, which we later learn are not OK ? Once comprehension has improved ? Just my theory. An example is going to the toilet in a nappy.. most 2 year olds are in nappies and then learn to get out of nappies once they're older. It's not like we have lots of adults running around in nappies, just because we didn't teach them at age 2-3 ?

If you were really upset and someone hit you, someone you really cared about, would that make you feel better? It might shut you up, but would you feel less angry or sad?

I would never smack my children. I don't consider it good parenting.I wouldn't smack my dog either - which the majority of people agree with. I am not sure why they then feel it's ok to hit a small human.

Yes when an ASD child is too big/old to carry, it turned into more seeing the signs of impending meltdown and deciding to abort the trip before it reached critical mass. Every child is different but you learn to read the signs. My DD used to get closer and closer to me, hold my hand and the more distress she’d feel the faster she would squeeze/pump my hand. If it got to a certain point , I’d know hmmmm a meltdown is going to happen if we don’t head home sharpish. So I’d usually say, that’s enough for today, let’s go home and she’d usually be relieved and relax and we’d make tracks as fast as we could back home. We also tried to time outings based on what we knew their tolerance to be.

By labelling feelings etc only, are you not just showing them it's OK to have that tantrums?

Of course not. You're teaching them that feelings are normal, and we have words for them. Recognising them is the first step towards learning to handle them. It also helps to create an outlet for them. Children often tantrum because they have no other outlet for the emotion. Once they can articulate what they're feeling, they have a safe and appropriate way of expressing it.

It's a stunted mind whose only way to handle a negative emotion is to cause pain and humiliation for having it.

tanturms aren't wrong though. They are uncontrolled emotions and entirely age appropriate. Punishing them for tantrums don't teach them how to control their emotions before they are ready.

By labelling feelins you teach them what the feelings are and in time they learn to process them. 2 is REALLY young. most adults aren't properly able to regulate their feelings all the time, how can you expect a 2 year old to do so. Taking this approach is not the same as giving into the tanturm.

e,g, tanrtum because toddler wants an ice cream. Parent says "oh you are sad you didn't get an ice cream, I'll get you one" - encourages tantrum. Conversely ""oh you are sad you didn't get an ice cream, I understand you feel disappointed but we are not having an ice cream today. Shall we go to the park?" Recognise the feeling, empathise/ ok the feeling, distract from the feeling.

Btw my son is 5 and still has huge emotional outbursts (aka tanturms). He can name his feels and identify why he feels them. He's not quite got to the processing yet, but it's getting there. He is one of the most empathetic kids I know.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer

Is still having tantrums at 5 really a good thing though? Most kids don’t and it won’t go down well with his peers in school. Don’t you think that perhaps your approach has allowed this to continue so long?

That's a really good point actually. It's not like anyone is saying you actually need to just give into their tantrum's demand! I hadn't even thought of that.

I never dare leave my DC with my mother as I just knew she'd smack them given half a chance. When DD used to have meltdowns, my mother's response was to say... 'that child needs a good smacking!' I could see her itching to hit her.

Many years later she admitted to me that I'd done the right thing by never hitting my kids and stated she could see they had turned out to be such lovely, kind human beings. She said 'I thought you were far too soft, but I can see now what a lovely relationship you have with them as teens/young adults. Looking back she wished she hadn't hit me and my sister so quickly.

It's illegal in Scotland and Wales now- as it's proven to not teach children right from wrong.

He doesn't really tantrum out and about and he doesn't really tantrum due to specific things. But he does, when he is at home with me, sometimes have a big let out emotions. Often emotions that he has been carrying and obviously hasn't been able to process. He's always been an emotional child. I truly believe that fact he is able to identify and find a safe outlet for his feelings is super healthy for him and has a positive impact on his behaviour too - as l say he is super empathetic, very well liked, never hits, doesn't seem to fall out with his friends, can express how he feels when he needs to - good and bad.
Also I an not sure it's right taht 5 year olds (or older) can't ever have big emotional outbursts. Certainly that's not my experience of children - mine or others.

Apart from learning that you're bigger than him, you have all power and you can hurt him by inflicting a painful slap, on his body, what exactly does your DM think he is going to learn from being hit?

Have you asked her?

I'm not sure how a 2.5 year old is going to grasp the meaning of words like frustrated but if it works for you then it's your choice.

The important thing is to remain calm, which is what you're doing.

Taking out your own frustration on a small child, or any child or adult, come to that by hitting them is the absolute opposite of remaining calm and is never an appropriate response to any kind of behaviour.

I hate the 'you are just feeling frustrated' and sympathetic attitude when kids get totally out of line.

Especially when many years ago a 4 yr old went to sink her heavy boot into my 6mth old babies head at a group...

I shouted loudly at her..she stopped before her boot gave my baby brain damage...she didn't come near us again...

Her mother was aghast at my reaction...she stayed away also..

Job done...my baby is now a healthy 13 yr old ( without brain damage)... and also behaves herself.

The whole recognising feelings thing does not mean never telling your kids off or preventing htem from doing damage (to themselves, others, or things).

How awful for you, yours was a completely natural reaction, your child needed to be kept safe. That mother’s reaction though is not what most people who tend towards the “naming feelings” things would do, you happened to encounter a permissive person .

Me too. "I'm angry mommy" "I'm happy mommy". The sweet little voice. 😘

Don’t be mealy-mouthed. Specifically what do you mean by parents choosing not to parent? What problems as teenagers?

And wouldn't it be great if more adults had learnt to do this too....

I agree with @BiasedBinding.

Just because I name feelings when he's upset does not mean I don't intervene when it's clearly necessary. I saw him pull his cousins hair the other day and reacted sternly by pulling him away and telling him off for doing so. I would not be at all worried about trying to save him from kicking a baby in the head. I would very much avoid allowing him to get that close, but if it did look like he was going to do something like that, I would go nuts to stop it. I also would be happy for any other adult to shout and do whatever needed to stop something like that.

Thank you biasedbinding.

In my experience ( unfortunately) parents who hold tight to the mantra of remaining sympathetic and gentle all of the time are generally permissive and scared of their children's reactions.

It is important to remember that anger and protectection are also valid emotions in certain circumstances.

I hope that my two girls are able to protect themselves and shout and hit and protect themselves SHOULD they ever need to.

One of the problems with smacking is that the discipline method you reach for when you are calm and in control is often the discipline method you reach for instinctively when you are tired or angry or overwhelmed.

So my mum used to smack us when we were little when we misbehaved. But then as she got older and had a chronic illness she would hit us because she couldn't cope, not because we had done anything particularly wrong.

So I remember getting smacked for asking if she had seen an item, or if she wanted a drink etc

Because she didn't understand how to express her negative emotions, her adult version of a tantrum was to smack her children.

Its taken me until I was in my 30s to learn to be able to say that I'm sad, or I'm frustrated and so on. I nearly had a nervous breakdown in my early 30s because I was taking everything on and struggling and feeling like I had to smile through it and keep going or I would be a failure. Because I was taught having negative feelings was a failure.

By punishing children for having negative feeling you are not just teaching them that they can't show them, you are also teaching them that they shouldn't have them. So you are basically setting them up to fail your teaching their entire life.

That is not my expereince at all. Also, in my experience, most parents still tell of their kids where appropriate. As many have mentioned recognising feelings doens't mean not holding boundaries or explaining/ preventing unacceptable behaviour.

Research suggests children who are hit are more likely to hit themselves, so really your girls are probably at greater risk from those children....

Yes, which is why I validated your emotions about it. They were valid and I would have reacted in the same way

you are equating what the OP is talking about with something different.

It is important to remember that anger and protectection are also valid emotions in certain circumstances.

Yes, but what matters is what you DO with those emotions. Unless you're actually suggesting that it's ok to hit if you're angry.

Mine are adults now but no I never smacked them and they turned into very well adjusted, polite adults too amazingly :p It really annoys me this attitude that some people have when you say you disagree with hitting your child, it's like people hear "I don't discipline my Child" that's not the case at all

how do you teach them that it’s not ok to inconvenience every one else because of how they feel?

Depends what you mean by inconveniencing others - at a table/restaurant/wedding we go outside. That way I can deal with them and everyone else can do what they are doing without interruption. I talk to them if we can't leave. Hitting is not an appropriate response here.

Since they’ve been taught that all that will result in is sympathy and being asked to name their feelings?

There are other options. Consequential punishments "if you continue to behave like this we will leave the softplay", "if you cannot stand nicely in this queue then you don't get the ice cream at the counter, we will leave the queue", "if you continue to take toys from your friend you will have to come and sit next to me with no toys until I am ready to leave". Again, hitting is not a suitable response.

The options are not either hit or have an uncontrollable child.