To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

I think this nails it really.

Weekends, especially for working mums, are guilt inducing as they are often the only quality time we have with our children (except for SAHM of babies and preschool kids).

I only meet up with friends without my children in the evenings (unless it’s something important like a bridal fitting or baby shower) as then I don’t feel guilty that about spending the little quality time I have with my children away from them. If a friend wants to meet me in the day, my children will be included in those plans, and I have learnt to refuse those plans if they aren’t child friendly.

Could still be the parent, based on their outgoings - school fees, children’s needs, higher mortgage, commute, etc

OP, I agree with the others saying you should probably find friends without children. Perhaps maintain your friendships with parents via phone, video calls, etc for now? After bedtime, they might want to chat. Although tbh, when mine were younger, j just wanted to chill after a full day’s work and sorting out the children

I honestly think YABU.

You either have the wrong friends or the wrong expectations. I think probably the wrong expectations.

YABU. Your friends have had children, and so you have naturally moved down in their list of priorities (because quite rightly theie children will rank higher than you). They wilk have less time available and probably less money. So of course you will see less of them. Its like if a friend moved house 3 hours away, you would be foolish to expect to see them as often as you did before. You can still continue to be friends, but they won't be able to see you as often as before. You sound unreasonable because it sounds like you want your friends to prioritise you over their husband and children

But for me there’s just no way I could meet a friend on a Saturday afternoon and not bring the kids. What do you suggest I do with them?

I agree. I'm a new mum and one of my friends with primary age kids is so flaky still and never was before kids. For the purposes of my reply here I've just done a what's app search and of her last 20 messages, 14 start with sorry for the slow reply/cancelling last week/not being in touch for ages etc. It can take her three weeks to get back to me and I longer expect to see her even if confirmed as there's always something. I miss our friendship but it is what it is.

My dh is the most hand on dad and husband, he is just very limited on time. He has a health condition that requires him to exercise and maintain that, so that will be my priority as well. I usually do clubs at that time. When we are all done with our schedules, it's finally family time. My dc is primary aged so quite dependent on us now, I'm sure that will change later. But all our friends kids are around the same age too so we all get it. Sorry you feel this way but tough luck, it's life and it's not that they have to change it.b

I haven’t had children yet (currently ttc after loss) but I do have friends with children or who are pregnant and I have fully accepted that our friendships are likely to change because of this. I would expect when I have children that my life would be completely different too.
Children are main priority and whilst I 100% it is for the childless friends - you are not being unreasonable for feeling sad that your friendships aren’t the same and it is OK to be upset about being cancelled on last minute. You’re not a bad person for having these feelings. I remember feeling sad that one of my close friends stopped visiting after having 2 children, it’s sad but I also reminded myself she couldn’t keep driving down 2 hours with a new born and toddler in car and now she has mainly mummy friends local to her.

My honest answer to this would be to make other friends - join a class, a group, gym classes or there are always plenty of meet up groups / short courses you could do that are a bit of fun. By making new friends who are also childless you can spend your time with those who have that extra time on your hands whilst also maintaining and accepting that your other friends need to be with their children and priorities them.

You are at different stages in your lives. I remember when my best friend became a mum a few years before me, it was really difficult to get a child free day. Planning in advance was difficult too, because kids got party invitations etc. When I became a mum myself, I completely understood because weekends were busy (especially if you work), and only time to spend with family/ partners, or visiting parents.

I wouldn't give up your friends, but accept you aren't going to see them child free very much, and might be time to find other friends that are at the same life stage as yourself, and have time for coffees/ lunches/trips etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP, I think you need to find new friends. I know it can be hard having kids but seriously, if your friends can't set aside one afternoon for you every couple of months then that's pretty shit. I have a DS and even when he was tiny I didn't neglect my friends. One of my closest friends is child free, sometimes I saw her with DS and sometimes without. I love my son more than anyone but I was always very aware that not everyone wanted to spend time with us as a package, bringing your kid along really does change the dynamics. I mean seriously, who wants to spend the afternoon discussing kiddie issues, so boring for everyone.

Not answering a text is rude, they are showing you they just don't care and aren't bothered. Like I said, this has never been an issue with my circle of friends and never was when DS was young, so I really think your "friends" are the problem here. Find new ones, otherwise you will just get more and more fed up with it.

I get how you are feeling. I had 10 years or trying to conceive and then going through the adoption process while all of my friends were having babies and raising young kids.

I used to get so angry at the apparent lack of thought for my feelings and the fact that I had to do all of the running. No meals out, always a takeaway at their house while the kids run in and out of the dining room.

I totally didn't get it until I finally had kids of my own. It is so hard to find time for yourself let alone friends. You also tend to only get together with people who have kids the same age as it's just easier.

I have managed to maintain those original friendships but we went years without seeing each other. While we were raising toddlers they were dealing with teenagers. Now we have the teenage issues and they are empty nesters and don't understand when we say we can't do x y and z because of stuff we have to sort out with the kids. They forget how they were when they were at our stage of parenthood.

I have seen both sides and it's sadly just something you have to deal with if you want to maintain friendships.

I'm sorry you feel like this. I often worry that my friends feel the same. The reality though is let's say most people have around 5 good friends that pre-children they would see fairly regularly... if each of them wanted the same thing as you (a Saturday afternoon every 1-2 months) that would mean only one or two family weekends over a two month period. That's just not possible for working families with young children, where the weekends as a family are so precious. I do try to see a friend one evening a week or a fortnight, but that still leads to seeing each friend every two to three months!

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I don't have children either, and I no longer have any friends who have children. It's all SUPPOSED to be fine and dandy when one friend has a baby and the other doesn't, and the friend without children just has to accommodate the friend's new family and new responsibilities, and be endlessly supportive. It just doesn't work out that way in my experience.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable, but you have been told by many on here that they are. Weekends become family time, and partners are totally unreliable and who am I supposed to leave the kids with etc etc. There just isn't room for you anymore. It hurts and it's shit but you're not alone. All my friends are either childfree or have grown up children now, and it's a hell of a lot easier

What? People putting their children's interests before those of their friends? Outrageous, don't they know how important you and your feelings are?

Yes, YABU. If you want to ditch your friends because they have children, then obviously these weren’t close friendships. So absolutely end the friendships, I’m sure your former friends will be much happier without your demands in their lives.

YABU to expect mothers to come to a meetup every 1-2 months without the child. Even without the childcare issue, I didn’t go anywhere without my child until she was age three, as seperations upset her and I didn’t enjoy them either.

What really gets me though is when non-parents come on a mums site to moan about mothers. Yes I know there are lots of non-mothers here, but there’s still such a thing as basic manners. You wouldn’t go on a Christian chat forum to moan about people who believe in god, or go on a doctors website to spread anti-vax nonsense, why do you think we want to listen to you whinge?

You are making too big a deal out of this. It's the nature of friendship. Throughout life friends will come and go, sometimes you will see each other constantly, then one of you will have a change of circumstance and you won't see each other for months or years. Then a few years later things might change again.

These friends, for whatever reason aren't as available as they once were. This might change in the future or it might be that the friendships are fizzling out permanently. However they aren't the only friends available.

Perhaps it might be an idea to look for an activity that benefits both of you for a couple of hours and does not add to the workload. For me, sitting and chatting whilst I enjoyed it - meant time away from the chores I needed to do which would ultimately make my life better and that of my kids.

Having a family is not the same as running a single household at all. When you are on your own, it really doesn't matter very much if you leave the washing up until the next day etc - but you can't consistently do that when you have kids - as the routines need to be maintained. So time away from the house sometimes feels like not particularly relaxing as you know that you are going to have chores to do when you get back...

I'm thinking might you be able to do some gardening together for example? Or put the radio on and offer to help give the kitchen a good clean together? Or make a stew for a no-cook night and take it round?

Looking back there were some friendships I wish I had maintained better - that's true as a mum - but when I was right in the thick of it, especially during the pandemic it so often felt like a fight for survival when I wasn't doing childcare/home educating etc - I was fairly burned out and didn't have the energy really to interact socially much.

I should imagine in the current cost of living squeeze quite a few parents feel like that.

So unreasonable of your friends. After all there must be a cupboard they can stuff their inconvenient children in for a few hours. 🙄

Get a blooming grip! If you don't want to do it then don't do it....its no big drama or "I'm burned out" Friendships in life do come and go according to what is going on, its no big deal.

I totally get what you're saying OP, I have 2 young DC and have been very much missing from my friends' lives the past 2 years. Fortunately we have a group of us and I'm the only one with kids so far, so I don't think they are so bothered as to cut contact, but they have said "it's sad we don't see you really any more" and that made me feel really guilty.

You say it's been going on for a few years - maybe they will slowly start emerging from the haze of having tiny kids soon and will be more able to meet? I know sometimes the kids are so overwhelming for me that the thought of even sending a text is just too much, but that this is a phase and I'll have more capacity when they're a bit older. I have also cut down a lot on meeting in the evenings but now my youngest is not as dependent on me I'm slowly meeting friends every so often in the evening.

So i think YANBU for feeling the way you do, but you need to decide whether they're worth waiting for or not rather than come and just complain on MN.

(case in point, I was disturbed at least 3 times writing this and almost gave up)

What I really really don’t get is why can’t a woman meet up with her friends on a Saturday afternoon say once every couple of months whilst the kids dad looks after them?

friendships can be maintained, woman can have a bit of a social life and not just be mum etc.

Easy!

And if the friend with child has another child the 'One hour free to myself clock' starts all over again!

Sorry, but I think this is one situation where you really just don't "get it" until you have kids.

The fact you are "expecting" this makes it sound like you think it's easy. For many parents. It's not.

As others have said, young babies may not be able to be left with someone else. Alternatively, there may not be anybody to leave with them. Many parents simply have to rely on just each other and if the other parent is working / otherwise occupied there isn't another option. Finally, as a pp said, weekends are often family time.

I do have some sympathy, as I didn't get it before I had kids either. I look back and cringe at all the times I said "just get a babysitter"

Really, for a lot of people it isn't that simple. And I think you'll get on better when you realise that and lower your expectations.

I think you're being a tad unreasonable. But so are your friends to some extent. It really depends on their life.

Do they have a partner who is around at the weekends?

Do they have family who can step in for a couple of hours at the weekends if not?
Are they breast feeding or have a very young child who just wants mum or are their kids happy to go to someone else?

For example, I'm very lucky that DH works Monday to Friday. That means that, if I was invited out for a coffee or lunch on Saturday when DS was little, that was perfectly fine. In fact DH used to get hotel points as he worked away from home sometimes and he'd give them to me every six months. They paid for an evening in a hotel which I used to meet up with old friends for lunch, go to the theatre in the evening (on my own as I loved the peace and quiet!) and have a mooch around Sunday markets before I headed home. DH was perfectly capable of feeding and looking after DS. But some partners are, for some reason, pretty poor at being able to look after their own kids (truly or a clever ploy I don't know - my BILs and my dad were all more than able to look after their kids for more than a day but there you go).

I loved having a day off from DS. Love him to bits and most weekends are family ones but once every 6 weeks or so having a day off isn't going to kill him or ruin our family life. I like a bit of 'me' back occasionally thank you. Now he's in his mid teens we hardly see him at the weekends sometimes, his life is moving on. I think it's important to keep some of your old life burning away if it's important to you as a parent. Otherwise you're having to start again when the kids decide you're really not the person they want to be with every weekend.

I think you can only keep trying but meanwhile try to find some new friends and if you move on, so be it.

Relationships, family or friends, take work and if you/they are important enough you'll both keep trying.

Because my dh I a tad selfish....

Smh