To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

I dare say that they probably stuck around because you sound like a very decent person and a good friend. This kind of intense parenting is just a phase and obviously some of the people in your life obviously don't want to lose your friendship over it...

I think there’s more than one thing at play here. But I suggest you do find new friends as your lives are now not as compatible as they once were. It’s no ones fault, life evolves, friendship changes and people grow and develop.
I think the fact that they don’t make an effort with you on your own probably does mean they don’t feel as they once did about you. Again maybe they feel you just don’t ‘get it’ or they have more in common with others. It’s no ones fault but maybe instead of getting angry and rejected just allow them to move on and give yourself the opportunity to branch out with others that will fulfill your needs more.
sorry it’s so hard op.

What sort of thing do you want to do without kids on a sat afternoon?
Shopping? Maybe they don't have the money? Need to buy clothes?

I tried to act like I was still the person I was pre children with my first. Even prioritised my friend over my child to go out and caused an absolute shit storm in the process. So I gave my head a wobble, accepted my life had changed forever and my friend dropped me. Thems the breaks.

I can completely see both sides but would implore you to cut your friends some slack.

You say you're having trouble maintaining friendships.

Have you ever spoken to friends honestly and calmly about your concerns?

How much are you actually giving to the relationships? Have you ever offered help or emotional support to friends who are struggling with parenthood? Or are you just demanding their time?

Do you see the point that for a few years, children need their parents - and can't really be resented for that?

I'm not trying to be goady, but I'm just wondering whether you've looked beyond the end of your own nose. You seem very put out by your friends but you don't mention what you're like as a friend yourself.

I've got the boot on the other foot. The friend that introduced DP and me to each other (and seems to at times resent our relationship) told me when I announced my pregnancy that I shouldn't 'be one of those parents that is only ever about their child'. I felt hurt but couldn't tell her then that there would need to be times that I need to focus solely on my baby because they would need me.

Now I'm about to give birth and she's made sure she's meeting up with my DP before the birth so she can see him before everything changes, but she hasn't bothered to do the same with me. She's made it clear where she stands, and I'm unbelievably hurt.

Maybe you just need to make new friends.

But that's true of all people, not just parents! Yes, your friends are putting their priorities and feelings first but so are you in wanting child-free meet ups.

That's all fine - nobody is in the wrong here -but your priorities and needs no longer align with theirs and so you probably do need to look elsewhere for the kind of friendships you want right now. You may be able to pick up these friendships later when their children are older and don't need so much attention.

Childfree lunch or coffee once every 2 months is not too much to ask of friends who have willing/capable partners. With my friends we manage this. It is awkward to have a conversation about it though without potentially offending them. However if it is last chance for the friendship i would give it a try.

This sounds good

Or just accept the friendship is over

When a child is born, everyone in the parents' lives drops down the ranking order so including their parents, siblings and friends. That's just the way it is, and the way really, for the good of the child, it should be.

I can relate to some of what you are saying as it kind of feels like people have decided something better and more meaningful has come along (which to them it has) when in actual fact good friendships are hard to find and need to be nurtured or they die away. Together this might make you start to question how much the friendship meant to them in the first place. But without being a parent it's hard to completely understand the trade offs, guilt and priority setting that has to be done.

The child is now by far the most important thing in the person's life so they may well talk about them a lot and bring them along. Whilst sometimes and from the outside it looks like your meet ups would provide a welcome break from child raising, many women like spending time with their children, especially if they work. Some women are determined not to be defined by their kids and you may find these women are more committed to keeping to plans but even they struggle when their partner or kids get ill (and kids get ill and bring illness into the house a lot). Mostly parents fall deep into their new role and they don't even always 100% realise at the time. Later on some parents don't even want to go out even if they could.

I also observe that the cult of parenthood has created a very child centric society where the kids are often constantly stimulated with clubs and activities and parties in a way we just didn't have when I grew up. This means more time and effort and ferrying around is needed, reducing the available time for other things. I think maybe this is needed in the modern world since kids today need to be raised with significant resilience and adaptability to survive/thrive in a complicated and attention stealing world.

I think the answer is to have friends of different ages and lifestyles so that there are always people who do not have young families to manage. And to know that this time will pass and you will want your friends to look back and be grateful you understood.

Well said

I appreciate you’ve already said evening invitations are declined because of bedtimes, but what time are you suggesting? I have a few child free friends and I have recently started suggesting 7:30/8pm for a late dinner… if evening meant 6pm that would be the worst time for me and yes I probably would decline (EBF baby) but 8pm would be the best time of all because both DC are fast asleep.
Once kids get to toddler years the childrens parties kick in and it can be very hard to get free time on a weekend. I work full time so when I add in anything we want/need to do as a family I suddenly find myself suggesting September as my next free weekend day!

If you were my friend I'd happily 'cease' our friendship.

You miss the point
Increase in cost of living disproportionately affects parents who have higher bills more people to feed (and may also have childcare to pay for- my childcare was more than my take home salary!) so cost of living is a factor when you have to triple the cost of going out if you also have to pay for babysitter as well.

But if they have an available supportive partner then meeting up for a child free evening shouldn't be an issue, but you have to be prepared to listen to your friend as well as they listen to you.

Your posts make you sound like you have trouble listening to others. DC needs always trump adult needs, so luxuries like time out gossiping with a friend out childfree has to be fitted around them and family needs and can't continue at same level as before children. That's just life as parents of young children.

This is literally hilarious 😂😂😂😂 my kids are 3 and 6 and because my DH is a tad selfish it’s always a drama and very hardwork for me to get an hour without them! We do things as a family at weekends and midweek my husband is at work until 6:30pm ish so I have at least one child with me 24/7;

Where did I say the cost of living was mutually exclusive? Pensioners, uni students, those on their own, families etc are struggling.

I have children, I am going to priortise putting food on the table for my children than a night out on the piss or a fancy lunch. I would be happy for you to come around for a cuppa and I would ask my children to do something on their own (although I would have to check up on them).

@Tiani4 cost of living does NOT affect parents more necessarily it depends my earnings. It a parent is on 100k a year and non parent on 20k who is more affected?

YANBU. I have found that some of my friendships survived the friends having children (and in a few cases the friendships have deepened as I am a very hands-on godmother, do lots of babysitting for little ones and provide academic support for older kids). However, there are also some that I have let go. I no longer bother trying to meet up with the friends who literally never want to leave the house without their children (daytime, evening, whatever) and leave it to me to make all the effort. Honestly I have realised that most of them were generally slightly dull and self-centred people to begin with and having children has just given them a reason to get worse! I've filled the gaps in my diary with voluntary work and hobbies and have now made loads of single and childless friends through that. I would recommend you do the same.

Also upon reading more you sound bitter and jealous but aren’t admitting it to yourself! I’d have ceased the friendship with you myself WAY before now if I were them, you sound as selfish and needy as a child yourself 😬

I think you need new friends
, not because they are bad friends but because you have no clue what having kids are like. Weekends are the only free time that we have as a family. I'm a sahm but there is no one available during the week as they are all working- should I kick up a fuss and ditch my friends over that? My dh works in an incredibly stressful and high pressured job, my dc has clubs and activities over the weekend and not to mention parties. We have very, very little family time. I prefer to do the clubs and activities with my ds as I have mum friends there and I catch up with them then. Also if we are able to get a rare baby sitter then I would prefer to have a night out with Dh, rather than anyone else. Dh has to sometimes work over the weekends which is unexpected and where would I leave dc? I do meet up with friends but that is very blue moon thing and I'm absolutely fine with that. They are too. It's just what happens when you have children. We are very casual about getting together because we all understand how difficult it is to arrange a fixed date and time. The last time I was due to meet a friend after 3 months, her ds fell ill and we cancelled. No biggie. You completely do not understand their world, and that's fine. I think you move on and find a group that suits you.

I have kids. Mostly weekends are taken up with family time and meeting friends with kids so the kids can play together- wouldn’t occur to me that a childless friend would want to come along. They seem to be doing fun adult things. You seem a bit moany on here- I appreciate this may not reflect real life but it could be why you can’t get anyone to give up their precious child free time to hang out with you. DH works most weekend evenings but when he doesn’t I quite often message my friends and ask if they want to go for drinks. Most of the time it has to be a week evening we meet up- pub/cinema/restaurant. It’s not like the old days but still fun. Are you open to that?

One of the great things about having kids is that you get a crash course in the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around you

I don't have kids so sort of understand where you are coming from, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Maybe it's different for me because most of my current circle of friends already had kids when I met them, so I've never known them before they had kids. However, I like spending time with them, and if that includes their kids, then so be it.

Would I like to go for dinner or a night out with them sometimes? Yes, but I know that's just not feasible for some of them, or that they prioritise to spend their time and money on family things. So I do those things with my childfree friends instead.

Having said that, none of my friends are the types to cancel at the last minute, not respond for days, etc. Those things would annoy me too.

It's really fucking hard balancing everything OP. I'm working - I feel guilty I'm not with the kids. I'm with the kids - I feel guilty that I've not text a friend back or that I'm thinking about a work deadline. I'm with dh in the evening - I feel guilty that I'm fucking shattered and no, don't want to watch that movie he fancies as my eyelids are shutting.

My husband is literally 50/50. I couldn't get more support from him. I have my mum and dhs mum on hand for ad hoc babysitting if I need or want it.

But I still struggle to sort time out to do child free stuff. And I massively value child free time and retaining part of me that isn't a mum or a wife.

Sometimes we want to spend more time with our childfree/childless friends. But we just can't. Is it too much to ask that you go play with other friends with more free time and save us for when we have the headspace? And we get it that you may not be there when we are free. And that's just something we have to fucking live with.

I have friends who never want me to bring my DD to things and it makes me feel so shit because I just can't do that. I work full time and see my DD for about 3-4 hours a day. Saturdays and sunday are pretty sacred unfortunately.

I could do evenings but bedtime isn't a quick routine for most people. It can take a long time, can be quite stressful and unfortunately, one parent may have to do it more than the other because that is just how it works. My DD is currently not going to sleep until 8:30/9pm - not because we are doing anything different but because she just won't go to sleep! I do not fancy going out at 9pm.

I do think things massively change when you have a child and they're still pretty young and I have lost friends because of it. I think much less of those people now as I also needed the support / friendship that they evidently don't think I give them anymore.

I see your point. It is frustrating. I have no children and most of my friends now have young children.
But I imagine when you have children they become your world! So yes, the priorities of the child will always trump coffee with a friend... and I'm afraid to tell you that your friends are not wrong with this. I dont have children and I know if I did, this is how I would be. And I would expect my childless friends to understand this.
Peoples lives go through phases. Atm your friends have young children, but as those children get older they wont want to go with their mum to meet a friend and you will slowly get your friends back.
Although I would maybe have a chat with them about you being excluded from events because you dont have kids. I imagine from your thread, there is probably an assumption that you dont want to be there surrounded by their children.
It might just be time for you to branch out and make some friends who dont have children. Not all friendships are meant to last forever.