To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

For lots of women this is fine, and achievable and being done.

However not all dads have Saturdays off work in order to be there for the kids. I have friends who work opposite shifts as childcare costs are crippling so literally one of them has the dc at all times.

Another has a husband whose job demands they work most weekends.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want child-free meet-ups, and their refusal to meet in the evening is a bit bizarre - I find that by far the easiest time to go out, and when I do nearly all of my socialising. I very rarely take my children with me when I meet friends (unless the friends also have children of the same age) because I agree it isn't much fun all round. It does mean that I see friends less often, though - I would normally go out on a weekday daytime about once or twice a month, but that obviously doesn't mean I see each friend that often, as I don't meet all my friends every time! So it can easily be a few months between seeing each person.

I think OP is getting a really hard time here. When children are young it does become the default that they are part of any outing but for this to be an absolute to the detriment of other friendships isn't a great way to go.

Once mine were no longer EBF and could be left for a few hours I would always try to make time to see other friends childfree. I wanted to have time having uninterrupted conversation as much as others did. The same pre-children. I expected small children to come along to most weekend day meet-ups but occasionally asked for (and got) adults only.

OP If these are good friends it would be worth gently saying some of this and asking when is best for them to have a time they could go out as adults. But there might need to be a bit of a reduction on your expectations. More lime once every couple of months rather than twice a month

Yes, op, I think this is the crux of it.

I get it. When I had young kids I met up with friends once a month or so, on my own, as did DH. It was absolutely doable but also I wanted to! Some mums don’t want to do therefore don’t make the effort. I don’t really get that view but each to their own.

You sound incredibly bitter so I suspect there is something more to this than you're letting on! You're absolutely not unreasonable to want some childfree time with your friends but you do not to be more accommodating (your replies sound extremely spoilt and self-centred). Have you asked them what days/times suit them? I'd rarely agree to a weekend daytime meetup (family/housework/homework time) but my kids are all in bed by 7.30pm so a later evening works perfectly for me. If you value the friendships then I'd suggest being more accommodating for this stage in your friend's lives and they'll come back to you. But I'd also suggest finding another group of friends too

I understand - I was late to the party having kids, and, yes, there was a point when I very much felt like the odd one out, and when those lovely gossipy conversations ceased to be about us and began to be about them.

However. I think you're personalising something that's not really about you. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Mums and little kids just come as a set for a long time. If you don't think your kids can go to something, then very often, it means you can't, either.

That's not to say that your friends don't care about you, or that they're disrespecting you, or anything of that sort. It's just that their priorities have changed.

Now if you tell them off about prioritising their kids, there'll be a row, and all that'll happen is that you lose them completely. If you can bring yourself to roll your eyes and not take their actions personally, then you can stay in touch with them for now, and in a few years they'll be able to meet up without the kids again. In the meantime, as some others have said, you can always find some new friends. Join an exercise class or a choir or something.

I have older children OP, as you said you’ve been putting up with this for years. You would think it gets easier. It gets busier than ever in actual fact. I have to take my kids to basketball training, basketball games, music, school events and their friendship play dates. There is homework to help with. There are dentist appointments and haircuts and school shoes. This assumes your family has no additional needs.
I’m also supposed to sleep well, eat healthily, exercise and meditate. I’m supposed to make sure the house is presentable, uniforms are washed, elderly parents are visited. It’s exhausting. I really wish I had time for more friends but this is reality with kids. You have responsibility for their entire lives and it’s incredibly hard to keep up with your own.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

"That's all"? That's unrealistic. In most families Saturday afternoon is prime family social/shopping/outing time. Asking parents to ditch the kids is causing a huge drama and difficulty - for them. Sorry but that's just how it is. Either you need to be more creative about finding times that work, or you need new friends.

You literally posted you were bored of spending time with your "friends" at their houses and are complaining that they cancel doing things that you want to do. As a parent of teens I see this whiny behaviour regularly and I wouldn't bother with an adult carrying on in this way. Find something to do! Stop putting the blame on others for not conforming to your expectations to want to do everything you do!

Weekends are family time
Friendships grow apart
People change over time
Different priorities

and OP, no offence but you sound quite self centred and immature yourself.

cancellation last minute requesting I come to them (even though we planned to go to an event and it was for the child to nap, what happens when the child need to go nursery do they cancel because he's napping?)

No they nap at nursery

being left out of meets with other mom friends

Say you'd like to attend with their mum friends if you would.

always some reason why meeting is problematic (I NEVER ask to meet in the evening it's only ever afternoons so have no idea why so difficult

It sounds like you haven't asked to meet in the evenings for some time so try asking again and you might not be declined now

Well, when my kids were younger, at least one of them would be crying, holding onto my leg, screaming "Don't gooooo Mummeeeee", then pressing their tear-stained faces to the window looking grief-stricken as I walked down the road.

It might sound ridiculous, but at that age they still feel like part of you. It's like walking away from your daemon. It hurts.

I still did it, but it didn't feel like I was getting my life back: it just felt grim.

I feel like a harsh bitch for spelling this out but the thing is, to you, these are still your friends whom you love.

But from your friends perspective, they now have children whom they love much more than you, who's needs they will put ahead of yours, every time.

You want and are willing to offer, a level of friendship that most people with children aren't willing to offer as their children are more important to them than their friends. This is very difficult and sad for you but it was ever thus.

Have you ever considered that the frequent cancellations could be your friends trying to cease friendships with you?

To be honest OP it sounds like your friends don’t really want to meet with you.
Kids are number 1. They are all consuming. When you become a mum friends with no kids are on a totally different path to you. They really can’t understand your life now in any realistic way. That can improve as kids get older but essentially they have had an atomic bomb go off in their lives. Their entire world and their attitude to life has changed because when you have kids, adults come second. Your child is first, always.
Chatting and meeting to other mums becomes so much more enjoyable and relatable to those who don’t have kids.
You attitude on this post is really quite resentful. There is no way I would want to meet with a friend who was resentful towards my kids. If I got that feeling from a friend I would be backing away. Kid comes first, resentful friend =bottom of the pile.

I'm going to blow your mind. I have more than one childless, single friend. So one Saturday afternoon or lunch every tow months with each would add up. It's not about sparing you one. It's an unrealistic and inconsiderate time of the week for a parent.

I've four kids- one a breastfed baby. I see friends a few evenings a week easily. Without kids. That is the social window for leaving children at home and having adult time. Saturday afternoons are for kids parties, kid friendly BBQ's and summer events. Frankly a coffee solo is a lame use of that time. And I Love seeing my girl friends alone.

I understand your frustration, OP. Especially since most blokes never take their kids with them when they go to meet their friends. There's no logistical reason why your friends can't plan ahead and meet up with you occasionally while their partner looks after the children, beyond the breastfeeding years anyway.

Sorry OP but you need to find child free friends. Parents are not going to sacrifice precious family time to spend it with a demanding over entitled whinebag who complains that interaction with their children involved is DRAINING fgs.
if I had been one of your friends, I would shout hallelujah the day you said this is not working anymore.
When did people become so self obsessed? 🤷‍♀️

Why don't dads feel this way? Why is it completely different for men? And why shouldn't OP feel resentful about years of friendship being junked like this?

Chatting and meeting to other mums becomes so much more enjoyable and relatable to those who don’t have kids.

This isn't universal. I still very much enjoy time with friends without children - I also have lovely friends with children. I also have a few friends with children who want to talk only and exclusively about children and I find that very, very tedious.

Gah it's so hard OP. I know I've become a shit friend since my DC were born and I'm eternally grateful for my (single, childless) best friend's patience.

Small baby - can't leave them at all if breastfeeding. Toddler - cause chaos wherever they go and for many the nap and bedtime schedule needs to be stuck to or doom will result for a few days.

For me it didn't get easier until the preschool years - you mention naps so your friends may not be there yet but hopefully it'll soon get easier.

Even now things are getting easier for us (i.e. bedtime is manageable solo), plans are constantly cancelled because of illness. I've shed tears over it in recent months. It's brutal.

You will need to be a bit realistic - you complain about kids coming along but also about not being invited to mum friend things. They'll be very child centric so they'll think you'd rather avoid (as would I if I didn't have DC!).

With young kids things are constantly changing. I'd send an honest but kind message "hi, how are you, I miss you, let's have a proper catch up. What's easiest for you ATM?" And take it from there.

Ultimately, YANBU to be sick of it, but they're NBU to have the constraints they do.

I think you need to do 3 things OP.

1 drastically lower your expectations of your friends with kids. Drastically. You aren't a priority in their lives any more. I know that hurts but it's true.

2 find some new friends who have teenage or older children or who are child free. They will want to spend time with you doing the things you want to do.

3 take care of yourself and try and stop taking things personally. Mostly it's not about you!

I don't want to spend any time at the weekend without my DD, she is at nursery almost all week. Weekends are precious. We come as a package now, and I'm afraid I have ditched my non parent friends who don't get it. It's a shame but life moves on and not all friendships are forever.

I was the childless one for a long time as I didn't have DD until 41. My closest friend had hers young so they have flown the nest but she is completely flexible about accommodating DD as she knows what it is like. The friends I have that have never had children and now won't though I am afraid I don't see any more as we have just gone in different directions. It's sad but we are now geographically separated and emotionally. We stay in touch on social media but aren't part of each others lives now. Life goes on.

You need new friends @daysayso

I always maintained my friendships when I had my children as I only had two ‘old’ friends with kids then. My best friend never had kids but this has never been an issue. Dh has always been happy to be on call so once feeding was less often I could go out without the baby for a few hours! Our friendship has had Rocky parts but nothing to do with children.