To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

@VincaBlue nobody is scornful of how mothers are choosing to spend their weekends. They are scornful of the idea being pushed by some that how mothers spend their weekend is not a choice.
Spend all your weekend in your living room with your kids if you want to, or spend every spare minute not working with only your husband and children. I do not care. Just do not claim that you have no choice as that is what being a mother is like.

@VincaBlue you are also making the assumption that this is about small children. There are mothers on here with older children who want to spend every minute not working with family. No it is not just about small children. It is about women who want to spend all their time with their family and never be away from their children if they can help it.

@deedledeedledum what a silly, nasty post of yours - and I say that as a mum myself (not that it should matter)!

yes of course being a parent (especially working parent) means our priorities shift - my number 1 priority is my family and Saturdays are my only day for relaxing with family usually. And I’m super stretched and stressed during the week.

but that does not mean that I can’t also love other things in my life - my career and my friends. They may not be my absolute number 1 but so what. I still love my friends and will give them the time they deserve when I can and in whichever way I can - that doesn’t mean the regular evening drink anymore but in other ways

if you honestly think mums are so important and busy that they don’t need to bother with anything or anyone else except their kids - ever! Well I feel very sorry for you. What a sad way to think and live

Swings and roundabouts. I do understand what OP is saying and it’s true that parents can become very obsessed with their children to the point of it being unhealthy !!
It’s good for parents to spend time with people who have varied interests…not just children.
On the other hand I also get that arrangements can change suddenly with the unpredictable nature of children .
Give and take is my moto.

I have dcs and my friends do but some are martyrs to theirs. One in particular hardly ever texts back and doesn't value my time and always leaves early or sits on the edge of her seat waiting to go. Its not enjoyable. I understand where you're coming from OP.
Might be better to keep in touch but less frequently and try to make new friends in the meantime that don't have dc although that's not easy in itself. It would probably bori g to be invited to the mums groups anyway. They usually only drone on about their dcs and can't find anything else to talk about as they probably only have that in common.
I don't know anything about some of them other than about their dcs and I'm thinking along the same lines as you tbh and I'm someone who has them!

I know in the evenings if you work you do not see your kids for long unless they are teenagers. But that means there is far less looking after to be done by dads if you go out in the evening.

My mum worked full time. She used to put us to bed once a week and go out when we were very young. My dad would be at home to look after us if we woke up. We would be in bed by 7pm and she would be out the door soon after. When we were older my dad would put us to bed. We saw my mum briefly between her getting home from work and going out. It wasn't a big deal. But back then most parents went out at least once a week. The only mum I can remember never going out by herself was a neighbour whose husband was intimidating and I suspect she was being abused.

It seems so strange to me that what used to be normal has changed. Is it because many middle class women did not work in the past, so now middle class mothers do not have that role model I and others had of a working class mother who worked, and still went out once a week?

I've seen people judging women for wanting to spend too much time caring for their kids during the week, but full time working mums being criticised for wanting to spend too much of the weekend caring for their kids is a new one on me 😀

@VincaBlue that is not what anyone is saying. Misrepresent what is being said if you want, but doing so and laughing at it is disingenous.

That's 5 times you've posted the same comment now! No one is saying that!

Yep me as well! The children fitted in with us and had their fun time but we did as well. Co sleeping,not showering, baby was left to cry at times ,micro managing every aspect of their lives just didn’t happen!
All children are happy well adjusted adults…!
My upbringing was the same.

I just go day by day and each day is fine! I’ll deal with the future as and when it comes 😊

Yes takes a bit of juggling to get out but nice to meet people. Op I see your point. I rememb my friend the baby had rigid routine everything had to suit her. It would put u off arranging anything! Teens here now so bit easier.

I would actually, as a woman who never wanted and, indeed, not particularly fond of children, thank some of the parents on here for making me realise that a decision I made nearly 30 years ago was the right one. That was the decision to not bother with being friends to anyone with young children. Once the kids came along - I stopped bothering. My life is too short and too precious to spend too much time and effort on people who a) can't be arsed with me b) think that they are inherently superior to me and c) don't recognise that my time and attention is worthy of respect.

So thank you. I only hope that your childless friends realise how pointless it is to keep you in their lives and ditch you.

@thesurrealist Here here. Wish I’d done it a decade ago before shelling out thousands on all the gifts and all…

Wow what a vile person you are. Bullet dodged for all those people

So much vitriol on this thread. Is everyone a bit hot?

Seems like the women without kids on this thread are unable to put themselves in the position of having children and what that actually means for most people in terms of commitment AND EQUALLY the women on the thread with children are unable to see that it might be upsetting to feel one's friends are turning flaky and abandoning you without a care as they have kids one after the other.

I just don't see the point in getting into a big war about it. It's people, living their lives as best they can. As someone with kids I don't blame the friends who dumped me because I couldn't be available for them as much as they needed. I don't expect to be scolded for it though - I was genuinely doing the best I could. It didn't mean I didn't care about them either but it takes time to readjust and you can't please everyone. The people who found it easy to integrate children into their normal lives without a blip seem pretty lucky to me.

'That was the decision to not bother with being friends to anyone with young children. Once the kids came along - I stopped bothering'

Same here tbh. I learned the hard way. Not all mums are as self righteous and inflexible as some on here, but in my experience, the friendship you had is over once babies come along. Hats off to female friends who manage to make it work, it's really not easy

What's really vile are the comments made to women who for whatever reason don't have children. Stop telling us to put ourselves in your position....unless you are willing to put yourselves in ours. Oh and being childfree/childless past 40 is very different to not yet having children.
Even things like assuming all childfree women are single....WTF? Some of us are married, some in relationships, some single, some dating...just like women with children. It's the constant othering and lack of respect shown to us as a group that people like me are fighting back against. That is vile, uncalled for and frankly unsupportive of women. Cos, yes, we are women too.

I think this post says it all. When mothers reply with empathy she ignores their post. When they are defensive she says "AH HAH! I KNEW IT!" OP is not here for solutions. She is here to reinforce her prejudiced against mothers. She just wants to hear her own opinions confirmed and reflected back at her. So this story is either a tale or her friends can sense her negative vibes and inner judgement and they are dodging her and for good reason.

I am not sure that mother's dont know how it feels. I had my first at 39 whilst most of my friends had theirs 30-31 so I spend most of my 30s in playgrounds or hanging out with their kids.

I didnt stay in touch with all of them but I wouldnt have lost touch with those friends that I really treasured just because they had little kids with them all the time. I just went out with my other friends in the evenings.

In that time, I also lived abroad for quite a few years and not one of those friends with kids came to visit whilst I was back home every few months. Was I bitter -no - they had other things to worry about. But now all their kids are 11-13 while mine are still little and they now have a lot more time to catch up without them. It's fine, just give it time and they will come back

@Mardyface I do not know anyone who integrated friends into their life after children without a blip. But it is the all-or-nothing on here that is extreme. Talk about not being able to go for a coffee with a friend without children over a ten year time span.

@599075w I do not know, but maybe it is easier to see it as a blip if you know you too will have children? It may feel very different if you are infertile or do not want to have children?

@antelopevalley you are assuming that we didnt want to have kids rather than the fact that it took us a decade to get them. But the point is they do come back. What is definitely true is that I dont have the emotional bandwidth like I used to either for myself, DH or my friends. Realistically, I will struggle to be there all the time when my friends are going through stuff - whether they have kids or not. I will send them messages ad try to catch up in person but thats not the same.

When I was child, we lived in a cul de sac. Neighbours kids would come knock for us and we would all go knocking for everyone else to play with. We were out from after lunch to dinner playing. We knew to stay with in the cul-de-sac, so our mum's or dad's could find us. But that was it. For almost 6hrs a day pretty much everyday we just hung out as kids. I can't ever recall my mum coming to check on me or my sisters only when it was time to go home for food or they had to pop to the shops. The freedom, trust and independence back then is something I think it very rare now a days. It never did me harm not being around my mum or dad for that long most days.

Quite sad that this probably very rare now a days.

@599075w I was not assuming anything about you. But it will be different to struggle to have kids, and to know that they are simply not possible.
I think there are two kind of friends. Those you do things with such as cinema, sport, etc. And those who you have a close relationship with and talk about personal things.
I would be fine with the former disappearing for years and then coming back. They are surface friends. The latter I would not be willing to accept this from.