To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Honestly what ridiculous statements are these?

Is it REALly that weird to want friends? I would say it's quite a coming thing in life

But your expectation isn't possible for many people.

Me and Dah don't have much family and the very small number of people we do have all still work full time and have their own busy lives.

I went back to work full time when DD was 9 months so weekends were the only decent blocks of time 8 had to spend with my child who was in full time nursery during the week. Also the only time I had to get housework sorted and run any errands or take DD to any classes, or spend any time with my husband.

While I would have liked to see my friends more frequently it was very hard to work out the logistics and in the big long list of things that needed doing, carving out several hours for time with friends wasnt as high on the list as other things.

Yes that's a key point - probably once every two months

What are you expecting them to do with the kids? Saturday afternoon is basically family time, especially if they work.

Fair enough if they won't ever leave them with their husband, but if you might have more luck getting them out for an evening meal.

Also I understand what posters are saying but most of it proves exactly my point!

Why I can't do it anymore

Hardly ridiculous statements. Yours are a bit ridiculous like expecting them to text back instantly... they're making sure their kids don't injure or Kill themselves (kids are great at that) a text is no where near as important as the responsibility of a child on your shoulders.

Find friends who don't have kids like yourself.

For many working mums Saturday and Sunday are the only chance at family time. I wouldn’t be regularly ignoring my children for a friend who wouldn’t tolerate them on a Saturday afternoon, I’d be inclined to meet the adaptable friends who would include the kids. Evenings can be tricky, but I’d carve out time for people who were adaptable and also met me halfway.
If someone demanded it was all the same, they had the same priority despite my life changing completely- yes I would let that friendship drift.

Before I had a child I was really clueless as to the amount of time and effort they take. I appreciate that you want child free time with your friends but that may not be possible for your friends depending on their familial and financial set up. It often is a lot of drama/difficultly to sort childcare.

Honestly your post sounds dramatic, I thought your friends were going to have been taking advantage or something. I think you need to be a little more understanding their lives have changed beyond recognition and if you don’t want to have to make allowances for them having children you need to find some friends with older/no children.

No am evening meal vitually impossible - I have not had evening meets with them for pushing five years. I wouldn't bother wasting my breath

I don't get it? They have awake children in the afternoons. They have asleep children in the evenings. If anything isn't it easier to meet a friend in the evening?

Guaranteed they won't have the dc as theyll be in bed.

No you've literally made up what I said - I don't expect an I stand text back I said NOt TEXTING BACK at all!

There's a big difference please don't twist what I'm saying.

If you can't do it then don't 🤷 i would be very upset if my friends kept insisting I meet them alone with out my child. You need friends who have older children or indeed no children at all.

Not everyone has someone who can look after there children on a Saturday afternoon or any other afternoon so that can socialise with you. Or perhaps it's less about childcare and more about the fact that you sound a bit self centred tbh, most parents can't just drop everything and go out, it's often akin to a military operation.

I suppose ultimately it comes down to how much you value them as friends. This bit of parenting doesn't last, and I suppose you have to ask yourself if you still want to be friends with them once they come out the other side.

I get it as I am a shit friend because I have children. I have several friends without kids and I can't be the sort of friend they need right now. Even things like a trip to the cinema has to be cancelled sometimes due to sickness, lack of babysitter or just bone tiredness. I can't be there in the way I just to, sitting on the phone to listen to relationship problems, dropping everything to go round if they have a wobble, booking some cheap last minute flights or even go to a gig sometimes. Some friends have distanced themselves, others have stuck around spending many a boring evening in my house being made to play. I don't know why they do to be honest.
My biggest fear though is that they think I don't care when I deeply do. I have many sleepless nights worrying about what they think of me or if they are lonely. I'm lonely too in a different way. You can be surrounded by people and be lonely you know.

Even if they don't text back.

Maybe they've forgot? Maybe they've fallen asleep? Maybe just maybe they have their own life's that don't evolve around you.

You sound extremely dramatic and quite selfish, you clearly don't understand how much energy it takes to look after a child.

Also, posters completely twisting what I said - I don't mind kids coming SOME of the time but ALL of the time????? Every time??? For years??

YABU I’m a mum who works full time, I do not want to do anything other than spend time with my baby at the weekends. If you want to see me it’s evenings only!

Making a big dramatic scene certainly isn’t on. Your friends might also be busy, stressed, having financial difficulties or marriage problems or feeling like they are the only ones that make an effort. Judging by the number of posters who feel this way as well as the number of posters saying they are just going to stop othering it seems to be so.

You might also cause problems for your kids doing this. Never shit a door unless you are certain you do not ever want to open it again.

For me, the moment of clarity was that if you don’t rely on people for support or expect too much you can enjoy your friendship better and they feel less pressured. It’s sad not to have the security of having someone you see each week but people are exhausted and stressed after covid and now cost of living crisis. Many are working multiple jobs.

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face. It might be, in happier times these friendships come back.

Do things you enjoy, develop hobbies and friendships outside kids, be kind to yourself and stop expecting these friends to call you 3 times a week or see you so often and you will feel happier . I can guarantee you those friendships will be better for it.

You do know you can get new friends? Would you stay in a romantic relationship if someone treated you like this? It's sad but life's too short. If you don't enjoy their company anymore that's fine - only you can do something about this. Relationships change - be sad but move on. They will not respond well if you say what you've said on here.

It's all about the evenings for child free meet-ups.

Ok so posters pointing out evenings but that's not an option either - I've been told that's not possible because of bedtimes

Dramatic maybe I am being but I'm honestly confused as to what expectations some people have of a friendship.

What I'm saying is really a basic thing

I think there has to be five and take on both sides and if you aren't getting this from friends, then it's fair enough to move on, whichever 'side' you fall on!

I tried really hard when I had dc to not talk about them all the time, to meet up without them and to be 'myself' and not only a mum. DH and I still lost some friends though - the people who had zero interest in kids and didn't care about us enough to make any effort with ours. Some were friends if considered to be really close. But that said, if you don't have dc it's hard to really comprehend the impact they have on a person's life. There has to be balance - I have one friend who constantly talks about their dc (it's been 15 years now) and that can be hard going.

I don't think you can reasonably expect them to be free every Saturday afternoon, some Saturdays would be totally unfair, if they want to maintain the friendship.

I think the most telling point you've made is that you don't understand why it is so difficult for them. Maybe your lack of understanding is draining for them.

I had a friend who, on the very first time she came to meet my baby, was clearly not interested and was trying to arrange an activity without the baby. Having a baby changes your priorities and your ability to plan things so easily.

This.

Evenings are much easier than Saturday afternoons (worst possible time)