To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

How old are the kids?

I've just gone back to work, for the first year breastfeeding, bottle refusing and baby only wanting mum limited me.

Now I'm conscious of my limited time with my child due to work, and life feels incredibly stressful trying to get everything done. Baby still needs me in the night so I won't do overnights yet. If I go out one weekend then it's only fair DH gets the same. So that leaves 2 weekends a month for family time.

Not saying it never happens, I've got child free plans the next 2 weekends! But it's not the easiest, and that's with a supportive husband and 1 child.

Honestly posters are jumping completely to one side - as if I'm asking to meet every Saturday or expecting them to come wild nights partying.

I'm talking every couple of months lunch or a coffee.

Seriously, if that is too much of an expectation my mind is blown. Truly.

Evening meets are declined because of bedtimes which is why I suggest afternoon

I have a close friend who has dc the same age as mine and we still go 3months or so between meet ups. Its a challenge scheduling anything outside of the day to day.

Between clubs, trips away, differing childcare needs, other kids birthday parties etc it literally eats up most of my time. We both work ft and the dc are all at school so daytime meets are a no no. Weekends are usually taken up with the above examples.

So believe me, even "mum friends" find it difficult to maintain frequent contact with other "mum friends".

Thankfully it has no detrimental effect on our friendship at all because we both get it.

The shift in a relationship when friends have babies can certainly be painful: particularly if you've had a sort of urban family vibe. I remember it well.

I had an acquaintance who stood me and my son up at a garden centre cafe

it was an early morning too. Just no show, no calls, phone off

eventually I got an apology hours and hours later, kid was sick blah blah, but not to text me to call it off? That’s out of order! Her H could have texted for her, it would’ve been fine to text in the middle of the night even, but it was the hours later and a “I’m sure you’ve done the same…. ” that was the kicker

erm no. I’ve never just not shown up, I’ve never let someone down like that.

I never bothered with her again.

Why not just contact one of them and say you miss spending time with them, can they free up a couple of hours for a child free catch up - whatever time works for them, and see what comes back.

You don’t like friends coming by with their children, nothing wrong with that. I think you would have a better time taking up an activity that actively precludes children like a hiking or cycling or running club. They can be a great way to meet people and fulfil social needs. Your friend’s priorities are their family, as that should be and for some of them meeting you with children meets their parenting obligations and social needs so for the moment there is a difference in needs and expectations. It won’t be forever though.

YABU OP

You can see less of your friends with young DCs and make some new children-free friends to carry on doing those lovely all Saturday afternoon hang outs that you enjoy. But your current friends have young children and babies and can't do it anymore.

Leave the new parent friendships on the down low and they'll enjoy the odd time out with you when they are able to- it'll be rare occasions likely but friendships change and develop when DCs come along. They can't help that their lives have changed and they are no longer able to live a carefree lifestyle.

Just widen your friendship groups

I stay in touch with my childfree friends but we don't meet up much anymore as me carting along 3 noisy DCs each time wouldn't be restful for anyone. I can't put them in a baby cage and leave them with food and water whilst I chill out socialising with my friends in town all afternoon!

Babysitters for hours on end isn't in my budget at all. For me for an afternoon it'd be an extra £60-80 babysitter AND then cost of the outing and food etc and I'd have had to set up food and activities for DCs before I go out . So £100 at least when I could easily afford £40 before, now even that £40 is food for my DCs and school trips and childcare for when I work.

Also I'm knackered by Saturday. It's my housework time and precious family time and sports Club time. Whilst you've been in bed all morning or having a leisurely brunch and doing what you felt like including showering in peace, I'll have been up since 5am, cared for exhausting DCs all morning, done football practice 8am-10am , made up food or packed lunches for the week , done a ton of laundry, shopping and by 1pm my DCs would be full on bouncing off of the walls ready to be taken out to some brightly coloured adventure or they won't sleep that night.

Any friend that doesn't understand that these little tinkers come first and are bloody hard work, isn't really a friend that is listening.

I can and do sit and have a cup of coffee whilst watching my DCs, listening to my friend or go out in the occasional night (when not bf) but my world changed dramatically.

Then, what you want might simply not be possible for the mothers. Where should they leave their kids? I get that you're resentful about the quality time with your friends that you've lost, but IMO that's no reason to stop being friends/ meeting with them.

Friendship is ultimately a two way street. If they truly are your friends and have always cared about you but are less available after such a lifechanging event as the birth of a child, a good friend would offer some of that support and understanding back.

However, you mention being pushed past "a line". It's hard to understand what that means without examples, but there should be no room for disrepect in friendships, no buts or ifs.

I have a small child op and I agree with what you saying.

If their partner's are "ok" they should be able to see friends without kids in tow, on a sat afternoon once a month or so.

It is definitely not the same with kids in tow.

I don't think you you bring unreasonable.

But if they won't/don't want tk, what can you do ... but try to make other mates and put them on the back burner until 10 (?) Yrs time.

It’s basic to you. You are really underestimating what having a child involves. In our house (as with many others) we work all week. Saturday morning we do housework, afternoon is some sort of child led activity. Sunday mornings we have clubs and Sunday afternoon we start winding down and preparing for the week ahead. That’s the reality for lots of people with children.

You aren’t your friends priority anymore. That’s not because they are awful, it’s because life changes. I accepted that when my friends started having children and just went along with it as it was my turn to support them in their life choices as they have with me at other times.

Where should they leave their kids?

With the other parent?

She says they're not single Mum's.

The cost of living crisis has hit people really hard, maybe the cant afford to go out and are using childcare as an excuse?

We use to have some disposable income that I could use to go out for some drinks / cinema with friends but we can barely pay our food bill now, I have friends in similar positions so we just meet at each others houses or go to the park.

Yanbu to want it or even just miss it. But your (hopefully glib) suggestion of just dropping them all is quite narrow minded.

Ask them what time bedtime is, ask what time they can meet. A late movie or even just a bit of pub grub.

I didn't want to read and run. Sorry you feel like this OP but this part about the messaging struck a chord with me and wanted to give you another perspective.

Do you have children of your own? It's just that I have always been a very sociable person and I currently have a 1 year old DC. Since having a baby, life has changed quite considerably and in the very best way. But it is different and your priorities change. I'm not saying you forget your friends but for quite a while you're in a bubble and finding a new version of yourself. But my main point is that I am definitely one of these people who don't text back. For some times a week at a time and some times not at all. It's not because I don't care but because I've found my phone and social media has become a demand that I don't have time for. The more time I spend messaging the more replies I receive and all of a sudden we live in a culture where there is an expectation that you have to be available to everyone all of the time. On multiple group chats and where people can see if you've read a message or not. The last few months I feel the pressure this has given me completely unhealthy. So now I just pick up the phone for a chat when I have 5 mins instead.

This might not make sense to you but it might help to remember that you don't always know how others are feeling. When your friends have children, (in the most sensitive way) you just need to accept that their child is a part of them and often times where they go, their children go too. So embrace it when the kids are there and enjoy the adults only time when you get it but don't resent them for wanting their children to be integrated into their lives. It's so hard to find a balance.

Hope it works out for you 💐

You need to find new friends and are being unreasonable in that the things you are pissed off about are just part and parcel of having kids. I would be annoyed by the late cancellations though but if my baby was sick I'd rather be with her than out with a friend and I'd hope they understood unless it was a meetup for a birthday or special occasion to celebrate with them.

I have 3 kids, youngest is a 10 month old baby. To arrange a meet up with a friend I have to arrange our plans so dh can have the kids. He works full time and we have no family support which means we have to give up a day of family time, childcare at the weekend is virtually non existent and expensive. It's doable and we both have done so on occasion but the general concensus has been that we'd rather not do so regularly. It's much easier on a Saturday evening when the kids are in bed.

@FlatWhiteLover use the cost of living crisis is not mutually exclusive to mothers! It's the entitlement that really just struggle with. It's as if once a child you and your priorities and feelings trump everyone else's even the cost of bloody living !

I don't think you're necessarily being unreasonable, OP. Theoretically, if they all have supportive partners it shouldn't usually be this difficult. I'm afraid it boils down to a shift in priorities on becoming a parent, which seems normal and necessary to them, but is annoying and inconvenient for you. It doesn't take anything very big or dramatic for them to back out, fail to respond, have obstacles etc, because even a small childcare issue or disruption to their routine is potentially just too much effort - it's always easier to let the social outing slide, especially if they're already knackered.

I don't have children, I can understand where you're coming from as the childless friend OP, especially when they bring the child along as it does seem to be all about the child and not a nice catch for you both. I think it's difficult to understand unless you have had children yourself as unless someone can look after the child while your friend meets up with you, they will have to cancel or not make plans.

My only suggestion is that you either try to be more patient and understanding, and accept you will see less of your friends than you used to because of their commitments, or try to find new, childless friends and move on from your old friends?

Also nobody has mentioned that it’s really frustrating when you are busy, tired, stressed etc and your friend doesn’t get it and constantly guilt trips you for not doing more. Friends are supposed to be positive and happy- if they constantly tell you off, guilt trip you or act disappointed it really adds to the stress.

^^ This post absolutely nails it!

I set up some chuld free time every once in a while, on my own or to meet someone. Recently it was with another Mum who gets almost no child free tine. Very important for the Mum's, aside from he maintaining friendships and being fair to friends by not giving kids in tow every single time.

YANBU. I only have mum friends so we always meet up with the kids during the week. Weekends are family time. I'd love to go out for a kid free lunch on a Saturday.

They should be able to make it work if it's only every couple of months, I think it's a sign that they're just not that bothered.

Get over yourself. Life change when you have children.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

But OP it often is a huge difficulty to do that when you have young DCs. You may need to reset your expectations as being a parent is not the easy gig that childfree people think it is. Nor is there free childcare available at drop of a hat, even if there are two parents they may need to divide and conquer the enemy!

Just think of young DCs being cute mini torture specialists - constantly sleep depriving you, constant noise assaults, in fights breaking out and they're always trying to kill themselves by unpredictably running towards danger every minute of the day the moment you take your eyes off of them. And you are caring for them 24/7. They are the most unreasonable employers!