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Original poster

To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

1000 replies

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:47

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/07/2022 08:51

Can you talk us through some examples?

There's a period in those early few years where its either challenging or impossible to maintain the "before". Evening dinners at nice restaurants, drinking, theatre trips, weekends to Madrid etc all become impossible with a tiny baby.

Once the baby is less dependent, these things can start up again. Add in other contributing factors (sleep deprivation, cost of babysitters etc) and it can seem insurmountable to go back to how it was before.

It's shit. But it's life.

RainCoffeeBook · 12/07/2022 08:53

I agree that having a child is no excuse for being a dick, blowing off plans and things like that. But you don't really give examples of what these people are doing to you.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 08:55

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it. Any examples? Tbh the first couple of years it does take over your life. And especially with all the pandemic restrictions a year ago it can get exhausting. Are you offering to go round there?

Original poster
daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've never expected extravagant things like that with friends - we never used to go theatres or weekends away so I'm not even expecting that.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

OP posts:
SilverPeacock · 12/07/2022 08:56

What has happened and what are your expectations? Two of my closest friends do not have children and I have maintained my relationships with them. They both do have wide friendship groups including other friends without children so didn’t need to rely on me in the days where I wasn’t so available. I used to have them for dinner at my house. So it is possible.

Original poster
daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:56

@Hotinnit I do offer to go round but that is not something I want to do every time. It's boring sitting in someone's house every time we meet.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2022 08:57

It depends what's actually happening.

Someone with a 5 month old who is exclusively breastfed, wont take a bottle and doesn't sleep, or is a single mum or has an unsupportive partner then YABU. For all you know they may be really struggling or not have enough money for a night out or a babysitter

Someone with a 4 year old and a supportive partner who chooses to bring their child to all meet ups or talks about their child all the time or says that they don't like going out now they're a mum (as a poster said the other day) and wants to meet up but only in soft play or the park or something then yanbu

Having a baby is a huge mental and physical shock and in the early years does require a lifestyle change - it takes so much of you that there simply isnt much left for anyone or anything else even if you wish there was. But that doesnt mean someone should stop making effort completely and permanently

Onlyforcake · 12/07/2022 08:57

Children are a huge life commitment, you're inevitably a low priority. Increasingly in life adults take on commitments, friendships are the temporary was, as teens, they learn to do that. Once you have real dependents though, friendships are hard to maintain. People with caring responsibilities of any sort don't have time for needy friends. Either learn to maintain your own boundaries about cancelling plans or find an interest to commit yourself to. Relying on others for enjoyment is always going to end up disappointing.

JennyForeigner · 12/07/2022 08:57

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've never expected extravagant things like that with friends - we never used to go theatres or weekends away so I'm not even expecting that.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

Oh ok. And what do you expect your friends to do with their kids during their time prioritizing you?

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 08:58

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've never expected extravagant things like that with friends - we never used to go theatres or weekends away so I'm not even expecting that.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

Have you asked for this? Have you said hey let's go somewhere a bit more adult and you see if DH/DW/Whoever can watch the kids?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2022 08:58

How old are their kids?

Onlyforcake · 12/07/2022 08:58

As you're bored by your friends then definitely find an interest that is more independent and doesn't involve you needing others to entertain you.

HangOnToYourself · 12/07/2022 08:59

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've never expected extravagant things like that with friends - we never used to go theatres or weekends away so I'm not even expecting that.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

How old are the kids in these situations? For breastfeeding mothers it can be really difficult just to get away for a quick afternoon. It's also the only real time you have together as a family so people wont want to be regularly giving up their weekends.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/07/2022 08:59

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all

Is there a reason it has to be a Saturday afternoon? Lots of parents work full time, so weekend daytimes become quite sacred as it's really the only time the whole family can enjoy being together without school runs/clubs/homework etc.

Couldn't you arrange to meet on a weekday evening instead?

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 08:59

In my own situation I have to plan these things very far in advance as I need someone to watch DD for me. I can't just plan to go out this weekend for example not unless I get lucky with babysitting.

underneaththeash · 12/07/2022 08:59

Weekend daytime is family time. My eldest is 15 and we'd very rarely do anything not child related at the weekend daytime with another person.

I did see child-free friends in the evenings, but during the week and at the weekends once past that knackered stage!

AppleHa · 12/07/2022 08:59

I do think that's unreasonable actually, to insist on meeting at weekends without the kids, if the children are little. Especially if your friends work during the week.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 12/07/2022 09:00

OP you are absolutely right, it's not fair to treat you badly - can you give some examples?

I can only apologise to my friends for how I was when my children were young, I was so overwhelmed by emotions, the daily grind and sheer relentlessness of it all but they all understood. If you don't have children or have children who are easy I don't think it's as easy to empathise. I had a rubbish DH who did nothing, a demanding job and 2 hard work DC. I am a lot better now they are older.

RewildingAmbridge · 12/07/2022 09:00

How often are you asking them to meet without their children at a weekend?

Original poster
daysayso · 12/07/2022 09:00

A few examples of what is draining;

  • every meet includes the kids - without consultation it's just a given now. Every knows a parent is distracted and conversation not the same when this happens
  • cancellation last minute frequently
  • cancellation last minute requesting I come to them (even though we planned to go to an event and it was for the child to nap, what happens when the child need to go nursery do they cancel because he's napping?)
  • being left out of meets with other mom friends
  • inability to text back half the time
  • always some reason why meeting is problematic (I NEVER ask to meet in the evening it's only ever afternoons so have no idea why so difficult,

Also my friends have able willing partners (trust me on this) I'd be more understanding if single parents.

It's just draining

OP posts:
Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 09:00

Onlyforcake · 12/07/2022 08:58

As you're bored by your friends then definitely find an interest that is more independent and doesn't involve you needing others to entertain you.

But yes I agree with this, if you can't be bothered with them any more and it's causing you upset find something else to do

jevoudrais · 12/07/2022 09:00

DH works Saturday so I can't see anyone without the toddler then. Sunday is the only day we both have off and we often need to get house jobs done and it doesn't leave much time for one of us to swan off child free.

HarmALlama · 12/07/2022 09:00

Honestly, OP, I remember DH's friend throwing a wobbly like this when we had our first child. All about feeling like the least important person in the room.

We sort of stared at him in a sleep deprived haze, then cooled things off with him for a while.

I understand it's hurtful, but when my friends had babies before me, I let them call the shots socially, because I could see how tough it was!

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2022 09:00

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've never expected extravagant things like that with friends - we never used to go theatres or weekends away so I'm not even expecting that.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

You're possibly being a tad unrealistic.

How old are the children?

Are there partners?

Do your friends work outside the home too?

How often do you want to meet up? Once every now and again should be doable. Weekly, not so much

Understand that weekends can be very busy with catching up at home and can be the only time you get as a family.

11Hawkins · 12/07/2022 09:01

Weekend time is family time, you can hardly expect them to palm their kids off on the weekend when there isn't any childcare readily available.
Weekday fair enough if there in nursery or school.
I think you're being rather unreasonable.

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