To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

@Longt

you wanted to spend most weekends with your husband and kids.

why?

didnt you sometimes want to see different people?

Nah I'm a mum of 2, very little ones (2.5 and 6 months) and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
I even make an effort to meet up with my friends who have kids without the kids. And because of that they were flexible when my baby was smaller as he is breastfed, so came to me, met somewhere close to home incase.
It's just a fact of priorities, and keeping your friendship doesn't seem important to them, so forget them!

@stayathomer

right, so they have their dad. They don’t need you to stay home too.

Ditch them OP! In our close friendship group (age range 27-50) we all support each other and realise that everybody has a lot of shit going on. Posters saying they’re too tired because of children/can’t cope with the waste of time to hang out with friends. Get over yourselves! OP is asking for a few hours every couple of months not a kidney or to be left everything in the will.

Also people without children can be very busy! I’m usually out of the house working days 6am-10pm. Often work 12 days in a row, average about 70 hours a week and I have another job on the side. I have lots of hobbies too. My shit isn’t any less important because I don’t have children.

Me and my lovely childless group of friends spend our free time enjoying life and often go on group holidays sipping champagne in 5* adult only resorts. I recommended it OP!

SEN has got nothing to do with your horrible comment about it being ‘unnerving’ that non parents look at the site and neither has your supposedly marvellous contribution to the boards about it. Two different things.

@SusanStoHelitsPoker

why would you find it unnerving that childfree women are on here?

If you have time to write paragraphs on mumsnet to a total stranger, you have time to text your friend back. Or look at your calendar to suggest a meet up date at some point.

This thread is so miserable. Just get new friends. It's not easy as an adult to make meaningful friendships. It takes time and people are just so flaky these days. OP you have every right to feel upset and worn out. I didn't get from your posts that you're selfish or expecting to be the priority, just someone that is really sad to seemingly not matter at all anymore.

Who knows, she made the comment and then had a hissy fit about it being called out on it and has been going on about her contribution to the SEN boards in response ever since.

@LuckySantangelo35
I said I meet up with them once or twice a year, not sure how you’ve translated that as me not being able to make it?
And why would choosing to be with my children and other friends who also have children make me a ‘mummy martyr’? What a very strange post.

You know ladies, the pile on and twisting of what I said is really horrible. I can see the type of women you are and thank goodness I don't actually know you. I was originally talking about childless by choice people being on here, as were lots of people, but you've chosen me to vilify and patronise. It's really spiteful, tbh. My kid will always come first, sorry if that offends you. I'm muting the thread now.

right, so they have their dad. They don’t need you to stay home too.
no, but a lot of people don’t need a lot of things and you do it to be there for them to help them when they feel rubbish. My aunt was sick recently, she has my mum and uncle there and didn’t need me to drop up a care package and send her flowers but I did. Someone you love feels rubbish you do what you can. My kids are sick, I stick around and try to help them feel better. Dh is there but it’s not about that. Honestly when you were young I’d assume your parents did the same, and if they didn’t that’s fine too!

My kids come 104th, of course.

My god the sanctimoniousness on these threads.... Everybody's kids come first for them. It doesn't make you unique. OP isn't asking to be first or even second in priorities. She is asking for a bloody hour for coffee every 6 weeks.

This!!

Am I really the only one who goes to arrange seeing a friend and goes to the diary and has a zillion weekends fully booked? And then finds their friend / relative has the same problem and you can't find a date that matches for months?

I know from experience that arranging anything with my BIL and SIL is a special kind of hell. They are both shift workers who often work weekends so they struggle to get weekends together as a family as it is.

December is a month which is particularly dreadful. If I don't book a weekend with family in August it doesn't happen.

We have loads of different friendship circles. People who we love dearly and want to spend time with. They live across the country (and indeed Europe). So we are forever trying to juggle that.

Then we have commitments to various organisations and have many friends with that. Then DS has a number of activities he does which we need to juggle.

July has been a special kind of hell. Our diary has had something every weekend and most weeknights. Its been endless and tbh both DH and I are exhausted and can't wait til August for a rest and for it to calm down for a few weeks.

We spend huge amounts of time with friends and family at the expense of ourselves. We have too many different friends.

Fortunately most of our friends (inc the childless one or the ones with adult children) are minded in a similar way and do not demand a regular meet up as a condition of friendship because they understand how mental busy we are and how many friends we are juggling. Its not personal and its not a slight on anyone. Its literally a case of not enough hours in the day or weeks in the year.

Your best friends are the ones where time can pass but you still have that same friendship.

Its not a case of mummy martyrdom. Its a case of being crazy busy.

We do have friends who have a very narrow social life and seem to almost be waiting for us to be free as they don't have much else on. Thats their lifestyle.

You either have to have a lifestyle that matches or be tolerant of someones lifestyle. Its not always personal or uncaring or feckless husband. Its just a shit load of people to care about.

@stayathomer

but kids are sick loads

would you really let your mates down if it had been planned for weeks and weeks to stay home for your kid when they have their dad their with him

id be well pissed off with you if I was your mate

It seems for 5 years the Op has tried to suggest evenings and been blocked because of childrens bedtimes.
Weekend meet up can only happen at their houses or with children along.
Messages aren't replied to.

I had 2 under 18 months and am very flexible about meeting up but I'd throw in the towel too.

@RedToothBrush no of course not. But that's also your lifestyle choice. If you're cultivating relationships with people (and lots of them) then you can't be surprised they want to spend time with you.

I don't believe that if friends are local, it's really that hard to find an hour for a coffee.

There was no twisting at all, you made a very unpleasant comment and you were called out on it. You’ve since responded by talking about everything but the actual comment. There’s been no pile on and you haven’t been vilified, you simply can’t take criticism so don’t dish it out in future. Personally glad I don’t know you too, I wouldn’t put up with it in real life either.

Yanbu. Unfortunately a lot of women do not have partners who share care or they think that as a mum they should do the lionshare and this results in them not wanting to leave their kids. I am more of the school of thought that a happy well rounded mum makes for a better mum and role model, and that a dad is just as important, and so we each get time out to do our own things. Granted I wouldnt meet up every saturday without kids but I dont understand why people cant make some effort to do non child related things.

What an eye opener this thread has been.

I honestly think that the reason I'm frustrated is not because I don't have kids and some do - I honestly think it's just that people are different.

Some parents are want to be glued to their children and others don't I think it's just fallen on me as bad luck I have been friends with the former.

Someone commented what HUGE achievement having a child is earlier upthread and that's the point for some people it is in context to the rest of their lives but for others (usually those that probably have a career and other interests) it's viewed differently.

It's also been very sad to constantly read how you should stick by people ignoring and being shitty to you on the basis they have kids. That right there is really a disgusting attitude because it tells me that because you have kids you think you're feelings and emotions come first.

What about the childless person going through divorce, mental health, money troubles? They don't deserve to be stuck by on the basis they didn't give birth? It's honestly sickening some people think this is ok.

And also those saying find new friends, I've tried and not had much success I find it very very difficult as an adult. I recently met a few new people really hit it off with but they too have children!! So once again I was in the same situation finding it near impossible to meet.

A lot of it is based on geography, perhaps if I lived somewhere like london or New York I'd find it much easier but I don't sadly.

@RedToothBrush you have explained your situation well and I would totally get it. I am just annoyed by the tone of some other posters. I think it's all in the tone.

OP, with respect, ALL PARENTS would choose their children over their friends and a night out. Seriously, you just don’t get it. It’s why so many first time mums imagine going back to work after having their baby, is what they’ll do only to find, it’s devastating leaving them, and ACTUALLY going back to work is gutting!!!! Some, I’ll grant, are not like this but I don’t know any of them.

Your resentment is palpable. You need new, child free friends.

And yes, that’s going to be tough. The majority of people have children, by a certain age.

@TheRussianDoll you're once again proving my point - who are you to dictate ALL parents would choose their child 365 a year over ONE night with a. Friend? Don't be fucking ridiculous

Just justify your own lameness to yourself.

Some women care about others not just their children. Fact, I'm sorry but to not be able to meet a friend once in a while is pretty pathetic. There, I said it.

She's not expecting her friends to make a choice is she? It's not friend v children.
She's not asking her friends to reject their children.

She's just expecting the occasional meet up without kids in tow. That shouldn't be beyond the wit of woman every few months.