To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

@Longt once a year? How many of your friends stuck around?

Genuine question now. Am I, a currently childless woman who is struggling with my infertility not welcome on this forum? I thought the infertility boards were there for a reason? They look really welcoming but if the genuine ethos of the site is that childless women are not welcome then that's ridiculous.

@SusanStoHelitsPoker what would you say to me? Who has 9 miscarriages; is now having thyroid treatment and can't try for a baby for another 6 months.. any thoughts on that? Should I come back later?

It would have been just as easy for me to go to the moon as have a child free afternoon coffee meet for approximately a decade. That’s was the reality and the drama to work around this could only really have been justified for a visit to a deathbed or similar.

Lives become incompatible and you need to evolve and move on to other friendships where what you want is possible without people having to run a virtual marathon to make it work to prove what you mean to them. Just move on to other friendships now without the angst.

I agree with you that everyone is different but to be clear, there’s no part of me that’s wishing for my daughter to grow up so I can go on holidays without her. Quite the opposite! I am trying to teach her some important lessons as she grows that I think some women on this thread might have missed out on.

1. You can have a good and worthy life with or without a partner and/or kids.


2. That you don’t have to give up your identity just because you’ve had kids. Kids need to see you as a whole person and not just a mum who’s always there.


3. That friendships are really important and that you need to nurture them.

I say point 2 in particular as the daughter of a mum who was always there. Even as a child, what I really wanted for her was to have her own life outside of looking after us. From my experience (and despite the fact that she’s wonderful), her strategy was not the best one but that’s just my experience. Hope this is some food for thought but I’m aware there is not one “right” way of doing things.

Ah OP maybe the brutal truth it isn't about childcare but maybe just an excuse they use to not meet you? They obviously only have time for limited numbers of friends, and maybe they just prefer mum friends as more in common. I know I use work to get out of meeting friends I've outgrown or feel we have nothing in common anymore - but unless they explicitly ask me what the problem is, I hope it will fizzle out....

So if it's been like this for years, time to accept they just don't care about the friendship anymore - would they even notice if you stopped contacting them or making an effort? I would stop reaching out completely and if they don't make an effort to re-instigate the friendship, you have your answer.

You have every right to be upset but also it's been years of this. So I would focus on meeting new people, new friends with more in common with you, friendships based more on hobbies rather than school/college/work etc. It's a sad fact of life that not all friendships last forever and people do change and want different things. Don't take it personally, it's a them thing and you shouldn't let it upset you - it's just a natural parting of ways that happens sometimes.

When you were young would your mum have said ‘sorry but I’m on my way out for drinks with the girls, daddy will look after you?’

For just a tummy bug? Yeah, of course she would! Obviously if the child is seriously ill or injured and you need to rush to the hospital then you'd expect everything else to go out the window, but for normal bumps, scrapes and viruses, why on earth is their father not capable of looking after them? I couldn't have any respect for my DH if he expected me to cancel lunch with a friend just because he didn't feel capable of giving his own child some Panadol and a cuddle.

@HoppingPavlova so you couldn't (or didn't want
To) spare 1 hour for a coffee with a friend? How sad. Hopefully your friends stuck around for 10 years but probably not

@NRRK28

“Like me for example, my kids 2 yo dont wanna be with anyone else so its hard time leave him alone.”

most kids don’t want anyone else other than mums. Mine was like that. However I just wasn’t having it. He had to get used to being left with dad. Do you really not leave your kids with your husband as your kids “don’t wanna be anyone else”??

yes parenting is hard but you’re making it even harder by bending to the whims of your kids and creating a rod for your own back

@HoppingPavlova

a decade?!

a decade?!

Just why?!

@stayathomer

your kids do not need your presence 24/7

you say it’s nothing to do with the abilities of your DH but if that was the case why wouldn’t you be content with him being there for the kids whilst you go out with pals?

you want to be constantly available to your kids but I think you really need to think about what life will be like for you when your kids no longer need or want such presence from you. You’re gonna be bereft because you didn’t take just a bit of time out for yourself to cultivate friendships

honestly do it! Ring a pal and go out one Saturday afternoon for a few drinks or a coffee or whatever. Your kids will be fine. Yeah they may have a whine because they are not used to it but they will be fine.

Op I suggest you try finding others.
. Because you wouldn't have been friends with them in the first place and I'm guessing some for a rather long time if they are bad people.so I don't think they don't care or have dumped you.but lives do change.i don't think they are wrong.but nor of u for not caring for their lifestyles. and some people have suggested that motherhood isnt that hard. maybe some people do find it takes over and maybe your friends are a few of these people that's no bad thing it's not taking over in a bad way just time moves on, people move on, priorities move on. and time is taken up by other things that's ok. it's life .it's fun .it's good for all who live it
. But maybe that doesn't tie in with how you live your life and maybe yours doesn't tie with how they live their life. that doesn't make either bad people or make them not bother with you. Doesnt mean that you dump them. I don't know that sounds harsh but maybe you need to find a different group of people that have the same life priorities you.
But you can't be so niave as to not see how their lives can change with kids in it it does. Those saying it doesn't on here well then they're very very lucky and I'd say a small minority.
But that's ok and it's ok that your life hasn't gone that way but you can't blame them for living differently now.and wanting that life.
how much time does it take to live your life op?...well,imagine having to live that again 1 times maybe 2 or 3! Because that what parents are doing!

So much this. I can understand OP's frustration. So many kids who can't be left with their own parent ffs.

I would have met up with you, OP. I even went away with my best friend to Barcelona when DS was a year old and DD was 5, leaving them with DH. They were alive when I got back so I did it again.

it doesn’t have to shopping time or whatever every single Saturday though does it?

Would work for some people but for others it's on a par with saying "you can take half a day off work to meet me". You could but it's hassle, the chances are something would come up, and you can't maintain many friendships like that.

Thinking back to the blur that was being a parent of a young child... the weekend socialising that worked best was a group get-together in different homes, one person or family hosted a buffet lunch and drinks, people drifted in and away, kids played together and occupied each other, parents looked after babies or kids as needed and socialised in between. Singles, couples and families together. People who're good enough friends to raid the fridge and brew tea.

The issue is "how often".

For any individual friend who wants 121 time at a weekend, they're not gonna get more than once every 5-5 months with their mum friend are they? Every 6w for the same friend is unrealistic as the child-free weekend time every fortnight (so DH gets equal time) has to cover all friends, all hobbies & interests.

OP - have these so-called uncaring friends met with you even once in the last 6m without kids?? If so that is good going.

You say they have children at nursery? The children are still very young.

@HuffleWoof @LuckySantangelo35 ‘Didn’t want to’ and ‘why’. ?????? Wow.

Neither DH or I had time for a shit let alone a coffee over that period. Two working parents, full time, babies/kids and we worked different/opposite days and shifts over the 7 days to fit in both work and kids and those pesky things like minimal cleaning, ensuring food in the house etc. We didn’t use childcare as we could swing it between the two of us but this was often by running in the door, tagging the person going out, full day with kids/basic necessary chores, tag person back in, few hours sleep if lucky and back out the door. Work for me was not guaranteed to fit within shift hours either if emergencies arose etc. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. For a decade. Sean I g around for an afternoon for coffee with friends let alone 60mins alone with DH, ha.

*swanning around, NFI who Sean is

i have a child that is constantly unwell with chronic issues. Behind the scenes, both me and DP are struggling so hard mentally with seeing our DC suffer and worry about their future.

There may be a lot more behind the scenes. The physical and mental toll. I honestly don’t have time for any friends, heck I don’t have time to eat breakfast until hours after I have woken up. I can’t keep up with texts. If I see one friend, I would have to see more. I don’t just have one friend I would see once a month… I have multiple friends who would wonder why I am prioritising one over the other.

I think you need friends in the same stage of life as you. If your friendships with your friends with children are strong, then they will rebuild over time.

good luck x

I also have a child with chronic health issues which is why I need my escape.

To add, ours is a baby (under 1 year old) and is still in diagnosis stage. Neither of us can “escape” as he needs our constant care and attention to keep him well until we can find out how to manage his conditions.

YANBU to be upset and fed up about your friends cancelling/changing plans last minute. That would annoy anyone and I totally get it.
I do have kids and I also have a few friends (from school/uni) who don’t. I don’t see them that often, maybe once or twice a year. I do love them and value their friendship but having kids just takes over. I don’t want to make plans and then cancel. It’s not fair. But also, I’m not willing to sacrifice that much time to see them. I prefer to spend time with my children. It’s miles easier to hang out with friends who also have children as you get the best of both worlds and when time is precious and resources are tight, it makes sense to multitask.
Reading your posts, op, has made me worry that my friends feel upset like you (although I know they all have many childless friends too) and I hope they don’t think I’m totally selfish and shit. But if they do, well, I’d still choose my children first, so fair enough.

I can’t see the context of this comment, but I just wanted to say that you’re very welcome on this site and I’m sorry to hear you’ve felt that you’re not. What you’re going through is horrible and unfair and I hope that things get better for you. X

I completely sympathise with you over this - my friend is the same. Literally everything has to be planned around naps & we can't actually manage to finish a sentence to each other without her kid shrieking (kid is now 2!!). Kid never left at home with capable dad who offers, but has to go everywhere with us. Really draining - I always feel exhausted afterwards.

Once a year with no kids. More if ok to meet with kids. H worked shifts and I worked full time with no family help! Even without weekend shifts issue I’d have wanted to spend most weekends with H and kids. One Saturday a year per friend probably translates into about 6-10 weekends out of 52 across all friends. Rest is family time which I think is reasonable balance. My point is that the OP is presumably not the only friend that these mums are trying to meet up without kids.

For me it worked fine for those friends who were happy to accept changed lifestyle, didn’t for those who didn’t. I had kids young compared to uni friends who were partying a lot so those friends drifted away. Others I’ve got close to again later on as our lives became more similar again. It’s just life. Different friends for different life stages.

@Easilystartled

if you only see these friends once or twice a year can you really not make it?! You loads of time to sort arrangements for childcare etc. It’s not like it’s every weekend so you still gets loads of weekends for previous family time.

why do you have to “choose” your children every single Saturday?

are you a mummy martyr? It’s the only explanation I can think of

you want to be constantly available to your kids but I think you really need to think about what life will be like for you when your kids no longer need or want such presence from you. You’re gonna be bereft because you didn’t take just a bit of time out for yourself to cultivate friendships

This. I was born in the early 60s. My mum was always happy to go out and leave us with our perfectly capable dad. She had various interests, church, local societies as well as friends and managed to do a bit of creative writing as well. It was a good thing she didn’t sideline her friends or her own interests because my dad died when I was a teen and she would have been left a bit high and dry.

Parenting style is subject to fads and fashions like everything else. Right now it’s being with your child 24/7. It’s not actually necessary.