To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Because I worked full time in the week and kids are not small for long

And families did not use to be like this even fairly recently. In the working-class community, I grew up with lots of women who went to the bingo once a week leaving the kids with their dads. In DPs rural family lots of mothers sang in the church choir or went to the WI every week. Even DPs home-loving and family-orientated mother left him with his father every week while she went to church choir rehearsals. And both our mothers worked.
When did family become so sacrosanct that mothers are not supposed to have a life outside of it?

@antelopevalley well said. It’s a choice, it’s not impossible! someone said that is was impossible to have a coffee with friend in ten years, that’s just crazy!

Exactly this ^^^

For me true friends are intertwined in my life, so I know and am interested in their life, their partners, their kids, parents, sisters, I know about their work, future plans etc because being a lifelong friend means being involved in their whole life not just the parts that are of interest to me.

I wouldn’t expect this level of engagement from a new friend or general acquaintance but a best friend I would because I care about them and what’s important to them.

@Longt

youre right

they are not small for long hence it makes sense to maintain your friendships so you have a good life and connections when they are no longer small

It's more of a time constraint-single childless people have zero ideas on the logistics of running a family. And obviously being a wing person to singletons on the pull is a no-no-no.

Even when I was single, my female childless best friend used to tell me off for canceling if something came up with the kids. She was quite angry about it. As far as I was concerned my children came first.
She just didn't understand at all. Now she's had a baby of her own, she's turned into miss flakey pants, or if I visit, I've got to time it so I'm not interrupting feed, nap times, etc. It's funny how the penny drops when the boot is on the other foot.😂
A friend and I have been trying to arrange a night out for ages, every date suggested either clashes with the kids or his shift patterns. But we don't fall out about it. Sometimes it's frustrating, but what can you do, nothing.
@antelopevalley
Of course, we socialize, but what happens is everytime is, friends, call or arrange when these social events are happening. It's very difficult to collate schedules, then weeks, roll into months, etc. I went out whilst DP's extended came over for 2 weeks, it was nice to get away for 12 hrs. We travel to Dorset regularly to see friends and generally socialize in groups of 6-7 couples. Tbh I'd much rather see my own friends more often, but the logistics are horrendous.

And when we have more children, then it's bye, bye, everybody😂

@Hrpuffnstuff1 your single childless friend was angry if you cancelled because you clearly think your time is valuable, but hers is not.
If you can travel to Dorset regularly to socialise with a group, you can arrange to see a friend closer to home. You are choosing not to as you are prioritising socialising as a whole family.

some peoples idea of friendship is pretty selfish. Don’t get me started on tbe poster who has only just left her 20 year old daughter. (Why does your daughter want to be only with you at 18? Does she not have friends either?)

From what I can understand from some of the posts

OP needs new friends because she’s upset they’re too busy for her. This apparently makes her needy. However she might need her old friends in a crisis so don’t blow off her friends

OP has no understanding of the business of being a mother apparently that means we can’t have coffees without children for years. OP must not complain.

OP must love and accept her friends’ children coming to all meets. It’s a dumpable offence for OP to want to speak to her adult friend about adult things, without them being distracted wondering where little Charley has found a stapler from

everyone has a hands on husband. Absolute amazing DPs, yet kids don’t want to be left alone with their dads because… again I don’t know

there’s a lot of comments like “I don’t have time for endless chats” “I can’t just go for drinks” like the assumption that if you don’t have kids you have like, nothing going on in your life apart from mundane chit chat

OP you got a pile on here mostly by people who have decided that being a mother means that any frivolities are booked 10 years in advance
i have a friend who went into “oh my gosh every day baby brain oh my gosh I can’t even begin to reply to texts” when she had a new baby. I just started ignoring her like she ignored me. Now she keeps just “checking in” to “say hi” when before I’d want to “say hi” and I don’t think she opened my message for 2 weeks. They will notice you’re not around… right now they just see you as consistently available and tbh, lesser than them
get rid

God this thread is annoying. Full of people constantly twisting OP's words.

FWIW OP I can see both sides. I have a four year old and since she, was born all I want to do when I have child free time is sit in a room by myself and recharge but tbf I am pretty antisocial anyway.

I don't think yabu to not want to constantly go out with your friends' kids. Kids are demanding and annoying and tend to monopolise social situations.

It seems like you just aren't compatible anymore.

@LuckySantangelo35
you keep asking why people want to spend time with their children/husbands/family etc. You could equally be asking why they want to spend time with their friends. It’s a choice and a preference. It’s not martyrdom if it’s what you want to do. I take it from your posts that you would choose friends over family and that’s fine. Your choice. But don’t disparage others for choosing differently or assume their reasons for doing so.

Ridiculous.

I'm currently on a group chat with my friends, most whom are mums to under 4's, we are planning 2 nights away in dublin next month. The mums seem the most excited than everyone!

And, they are all amazing mum. They just have way more to their identity than just being 'mum'.

Last weekend I had a weekend in the lakes with my friend and her husband who have a 3 year old. They initiated the plans, and arranged for their parents to have the kids for 2 nights.

They are the most calm and collected parents I know, non of this martyr burdened behaviour.

Or maybe your friend is just doing to you what you did to her ... treat people how you want to be treated yourself.

I was single then, and she was single too, however, I had children she did not.
That was the crux, now she has a baby-toddler, she's the flakey pants. Such is life.
If a conflict with scheduling or an emergency occurs, the children come first every time. Even when the Ex-wife asks a favor like she and her partner have no babysitter or cover for their shifts. I step in.

In answer to the question of when did mums stop going to the bingo, probably around the same time they started working 40hr weeks and commuting. I only see my kids on the weekend and very briefly during the week. I only go out with DH once every four months and usually for lunch during the day when we WFH.

I have two teenagers. The early years were hard with v limited family support but I did make an effort to keep in touch with friends. But nights out were limited and days out without kids almost impossible. I think a big part is two parents working … yes our mums had choir / walks with friends etc but they were probably at home with us all day! When you have kids in childcare you need to see them weekend days. BUT now life is changing very quickly and they are about to go their own ways and I’m back out again. So OP if you can keep the lines of communication open (while developing other hobbies etc) your 40s and 50s could be a social whirl !

Nope. Love my kids but love my friends too, I don’t have a close family, they are my family. And I love being a working mother. Don’t generalise !

OP, do you have anything in common with these friends anymore? And put aside the issue of children for a minute. Is it at all possible that they just have different tastes, hobbies and needs of a friendship now and you don't meet those needs anymore?

Because I find it hard to believe you don't have a single friend who makes time for you without children for all these years? Do you know if maybe all the mums do go out together without kids but you're not invited simply because they don't think you'd be interested, or even understand them.

If it's a few friends who have abandoned you, then yes, they may be the problem. But if you can't seem to meet anyone else who prioritises you - isn't that a you problem?

Do you have hobbies? That require you to meet up with people once a week or whenever to do the hobby and obv no one brings kids to it. Because if all your friendships have been based around stage of life/drinking/eating out/coffee etc rather than something more concrete , those types of friendships are susceptible to fall away when lives change. Because at some point one of the parties doesn't want to take precious time out to have coffee with a friend they have nothing in common with, when they could spend it with other friends.

In relationships we say if someone wants to see you, they will. Friendships are the same. Kids are a red herring as is this conversation that they are obsessed with their kids. It's very possible it's just you they don't want to see, and maybe you're not funny enough or positive enough or exciting enough etc for them and what they want. So you do need to ask yourself too, are you enriching their life in any way that someone/something else (other friends, hobbies, family etc) aren't? If the answer is no to every single friend you have, it's worth some introspection on what about you is putting them off. And no, not having children is an easy one to use but I can't believe that not a single woman wants to meet just you for a coffee or lunch.

Just think back to when you outgrew a friend and cba to see them anymore? Why would that have been? Now think, if something similar is happening here.

You don't know how you will feel about becoming a Mum until it happens to you. If you breastfeed, you are stuck with your baby 24/7 and it can become a habit.

Without meaning to, I became someone who preferred going out to lunch with DH and my DC to meeting friends for drinks. I didn't plan it, I was just overwhelmed.

Honestly OP, it's not you, it's them. And it's hard because you can't do anything to change it.

You can choose whether you move on or wait it out, but either way I'd look for new friends and new things to do.

If you have time to write paragraphs on mumsnet to a total stranger, you have time to text your friend back. Or look at your calendar to suggest a meet up date at some point

YES YES YES

Somewhere in the last 20-30 years (?), having children moved from becoming something most people just did and got on with to something altogether different.
As parenting has evolved along with social media, it has become competitive, with women outdoing each other on who's the best mother.
I also think long maternity leaves add to the mix, with modern parenting practises positively discouraging good sleep patterns and routine. You just have to look at the sleep board to see that - anyone daring to suggest any type of routine is torn to pieces and it's baby-led all the way on there.
I only had six weeks off with my first and back then, getting your baby to sleep through was the main goal. I am sure there were some poor sleepers then as well as now, but we have had people on this thread stating quite nonchalantly that their baby didn't sleep for two years. That's ridiculous.
Having a non-sleeping baby seems to be a badge of honour now, in the way that having a sleeping one used to be. It seems to me that women are, actively encouraged to martyr themselves completely to their children - from birth, it's all about following 'cues', baby-led this, no routine - it would drive me mad. And then there's the women who don't want to share their baby with anyone, even the father. And that's OK too apparently, on MN at least, as becoming a mother seems to bestow queen bee status, when everyone is running around trying to keep her happy and being glad of the crumbs thrown to them.
In all honesty, although I am always told I am wrong, it all sounds very lonely to me and I am not sure it's good progress.
I am always told how much better it is for the child not be be 'ignored' (because there's no middle ground between 100% attention 24/7 and being ignored, apparently) but I am convinced the mothers get a, much worse deal than they used to.
A few have said on here that parents going out used to be the norm. It definitely did. My parents and my friends' parents, all went out, individually and together, and children were left with the other parent or grandparents.
In a nutshell, I suppose what I am trying to say is that babies and children used to fit into the family, rather than the family fitting in with them

An emergency everyone understands. But a conflict of scheduling just makes it sound like you ditched her if a better offer came along.

No idea why you think it's nasty. It's just plan speaking. If they really wanted to spend time alone with you they would. Their priorities have changed and you are not someone they are choosing to spend their very limited free time with. Don't get arsey just find new friends.

My parents and my friends' parents, all went out, individually and together, and children were left with the other parent or grandparents.

The operative concept here being they all had kids and had that in common. It's entirely possible that OP's friends are doing the same. Going out child free just with other friends or other parent friends. OP just isn't a part of those groups so wouldn't know. It's an assumption they're all stuck at home with their kids and no social life. It's more likely they have made new friendships now with people, maybe as a result of them all having kids. Humans are tribal aren't they - you make friends with people you have something in common with. School, uni, work, kids etc. Problem is OP doesn't fit into any of their groups by the sound of it.

I had wondered this. I have a friend who is constantly late. I used to stress about it. Now I do not care if I am going to be late or not when I meet her. I just finish what I am doing and rock up without caring if I am late.
In the friend's shoes, I would also not stress and go out of my way to make pre-arranged meet-ups. I would be selfish as well.