To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

I’m nervous of going back to work, but going on what my sister and most other friends have said, going back to work is great as it’s made them feel more like themselves so I’d be wary that you’re not speaking for all or most mothers by any stretch. The closer I get to my return to work, the more I look forward to it. I’ll value the time with my lovely baby more when it’s not quite so relentless.

Genuinely it depends on the week but yes even childless coffee can be challenging at times.

Having a child who doesn't sleep is also a thing. DS didn't sleep for years and he didn't want daddy. Its draining. We've not been sticklers for bedtime or naptime either (unlike other SIL who has just had her second and that will be interesting to watch!). I find people who have extra routines

Atm DH and I are struggling to spend any time together. He had to pick some stuff up for an event yesterday and had a rare day off. I went with him just to get some time with him!

I’m not dictating anything but, your friends are sending a clear message. Either it’s not that important to them, spending time with you alone, or they genuinely can’t manage it ie. their life now, with kids , doesn’t allow for it.

That may change as their family grows up but RIGHT NOW, it’s not the case.

You are very aggressive in your argument. If I were your friend and picked up on this, I’d distance myself from our “friendship”. I’m NOT having a go at you, honestly. I distanced myself from a friend with children whom I’d known many years. Her two boys were horrendous. I could not bring myself to see her, with them in tow. I wasn’t the only one!

No I bloody well would not. As I have said many times on this thread. I went back to work without being gutted, too.

@RedToothBrush 😂 Oh Lord yes! My child didn’t sleep. Never ever napped in the day! The exhaustion and trying to work 12hr shifts was utterly exhausting. “Meeting up for coffee” rarely happened. If I wasn’t with dad or at work, I was in bed! 😂

@RedToothBrush You are martyring yourself here and I’ve seen friends do this. You don’t get prizes for being the most tired. Give yourself a break, get you child into a routine and enjoy your life. You’ve only one to live

The one coming across as entitled here is YOU OP. You seem to struggle with the fact that you just aren't very important to your old friends anymore. You have gone way down their priority list as you should but you struggle to accept this. Your old friends are making it clear, they do not want to spend their valuable and limited free time with you. You are much less important to them than they appear to be to you. Perhaps one day if you chose to have a family you will understand. You go in the offensive and call them entitled and say you will cut them out. Good. That's probs for the best. You are way way too much hard work for adults to be friends with. You can't get angry because your friendship has run its course or changed. The fact that you are angry is because you are so entitled

@deedledeedledum what a nasty post

@TheRussianDoll

speak for yourself! At least once a month I “choose” my pals over my kids I.e go out for drinks and a catch up with my pals whilst the kids stay with their dad.

do you honestly never do this and you don’t know any parents who do?

im not sure I believe you

if what you are saying is true…my only question is…why?!

Can totally see on this thread who had kids with useless partner or martyred themselves.

People, if you don't want to go out with old friends, at least have a decency to tell them to go find someone else to go for coffee with because you just don't want to, instead of either bringing kids or flaking.

yea get you but why should I be obliged to get to know a child?!! I don't want to be friends with a child!! Just like I don't want to be friends with. My friends mom or DH I want to be friends with my friend!

I think this may be why your friends can’t be arsed with you anymore. Their children are the most precious thing in the world and an extension of them. By rejecting them and deeming them unworthy of ‘getting to know’ you are basically saying to friends I’m not interested in your life as it stands.

I do carve out time for friends but if I had a friend like you who had such obvious disinterest in my child I wouldn’t be replying to your texts either.

What a depressing thread. DS had horrendous reflux for the first year (think 80-90 projectile vomits a day) and didn't sleep for more than 3 hours max. DD didn't sleep through til she was 3. I work full time and don't have GP close by. I do have a very capable husband. I saw my friends plenty both with and without kids, and travelled for work.

OP please have faith that not all parents are like this. I think you have an unfortunate group of friends sadly.

@Prinnny

i couldn’t give a shit if my mates want to get to know my kid 🤷‍♀️

they’re my friends not my kids

one of my mates said to me before my kid was born she would be my “cocktails on a Saturday afternoon” pal, my go to person when I want adult time and company. She stuck to her word. And I love it!

I think friendships do naturally change when one or even both parties have children. It can also be difficult for the friend without children to understand the other’s perspective.

You mention men don’t do this but they absolutely do, my DH does. One of his best friends lives at the other end of the country and he doesn’t have children but often will ask DH out for a drink last minute which DH can’t do because we’re a family and have plans. I think his friend views this as DH always blowing him off but your priorities naturally change when you have children (at least they should if you’re a decent one!) and you can’t just do things at the drop of a hat anymore.

I don’t think you’re wrong for letting the friendships slide fwiw. You’re just in a different place to your friends which is fine, you should find friends in a similar situation to you.

Reading the thread, I'm surprised at the scorn poured upon the family unit and mothers who choose their children and time with their husbands over friends. It's mainly single friends who are feeling this way. I have a female friend, who's always coming out with snide comments, although I have another and she's very excited about our family journey. Dp has a male friend and he's ok, but again, has no clue about how to manage a family or plan a baby, or renovate a home, he always suggests socializing or hobbies that are not appropriate.

I can remember divorcing my wife, and guess what, all the married dad friends, well they weren't coming out to play, ever. I was dropped like a stone from certain groups. I just hooked up with single male and female friends for socializing. I think being single causes panic in married friendship groups.😂
Once married with children, the dynamic definitely changes, our social calendar for August, and September is full, literally zero days. Dp mentioned some concerts in out local area, I replied, I don't think we can make a concert this yr, we're just so full to the brim with obligations. And December, forget it, it's close family, extended family, more extended family.😂

I had a friend like this. It was like once she had DD, I stopped being friends with her, and became friends with DD. Every single thing was about DD. I'd get birthday/Xmas cards from DD. I'd get 'texts' from DD. It was absolutely maddening. 'Extension' of you is one thing (and even there I'm a bit ok........) but what we're discussing is DC replacing you.

@TheRussianDoll loads of women choose to go back to work. I asked my dh to be sahp and I went back. Please don’t speak for all women ! I love my children but I’m a much better mum when I am me as well as mum. Part of being me is doing a job I love and I like my kids (especially the girls) to see that women can have a career and parent. Most of my friends are the same.

Honestly that is not true.

@hrp so you spend all your time socialisng with extended family? That is fine, you obviously can socialise. You are just choosing who to socialise with.

@TheRussianDoll is the kind of woman I referred to in my previous post. Women who actually just aren’t very good at being a mother. They consider the struggles that they have to be a sign of how devoted and amazing they are - but really they are just not very good at parenting and find it a massive struggle.

Oh my gosh this. Some people do go into extremes (on both sides of this argument)

Quite a nasty comment.
I think anyone would feel sad to realise they did not really matter to their friends.
Some people just see friends as temporary company, fine to hang out with, but they will ditch them easily. Others want proper friends and get upset when what they thought were proper friends, turn out not to be.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

lol what are the hobbies you class as “inappropriate”??

and it’s not about choosing friends over family or vice versa - most people can have both! Going out on a Saturday afternoon for a few drinks or whatever every four or five weeks child- free to catch up with pals does not mean your are prioritising one over the other.

there really is an odd belief on here that when you get married and kids you have to give up all your pals and socialising and devote yourself entirely to the family unit cos that’s what good parents do

My DC are not an extension of me and I do not expect my friends to be overly interested in them. I am not all that interested in my friend's kids.

The only person I know like this is my sister. As a result with her youngest now 19 years old, she has no friends at all.
All my friends have carried on socialising while having children.
One friend with two children, one with quite challenging SEN, has an arrangement with her DP where they each have one night out a week while the other cares for the children.
Another friend with one child had an arrangement with her DP where they both had two weekends away each year with friends or family but without the children or each other.
If friends do not matter to you then crack on. But it simply is not true that having children means you can not have friends. If you want every weekend to be sacrosanct family time, then enjoy it. Or if you never want to leave your children with anyone else including your DP while you go out, then fine. But you are making choices. You could go out and see friends, but are choosing not to.