To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

[hotnakedgelato]

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

Well I would nto have introduced a 5 year old to a boyfriend of 4 months. But it sounds like you have done already, so in that case I am not sure him sleeping in the spare room will make it worse (provided you act appropriately of course).

4 months seems far too early to have even introduced your new boyfriend to your 5YO, and it’s really irrelevant what your ex did. Just because they did something unwise, doesn’t mean you should also be rushing to, as well.

And you can well think things are very serious at the 4 month point, but it’s no time at all, you don’t really (truly) know each other yet, let alone your natural foibles / annoying traits / human qualities that all of us has - because it’s impossible to know someone well so soon.

🤷🏻‍♀️

You've already introduced them too early, so it doesn't really matter

Ah the same old MN trope that anything less than a decade is too early. I do think you have to be cautious though. I'd be happy to introduce a boyfriend as a boyfriend but not exposing the child to new bf in my bed for a very long time.
I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable with a house guest though. I hate house guests in general though so it's probably clouding my judgement.

The bedroom he sleeps in doesn't matter; your job is to ensure your child isn't faced with a succession of men who flit into your lives only to promptly disappear. At 4 months, you have no idea if your boyfriend will be one of those men.

I think people are being a little harsh. If he has an alternative that might be better, but mummy's friend who has builders in his house and being careful not to confuse that message for a while afterwards isn't the end of the world.

I was totally single for 2.5 years! This is hardly a succession of men.

You absolutely should not have even introduced your child at this stage regardless of what your ex has done. Do not move in a stranger with your child which is what you are suggesting

I think people are being a little harsh

It's not harsh to expect parents to prioritise their children over their own wants and desires and wait longer than 5 minutes before introducing their lovers to them. It's just basic parenting.

And the other parent being an idiot and making exactly the same mistake is more reason to avoid doing the same.

It's not harsh to expect parents to prioritise their children over their own wants and desires and wait longer than 5 minutes before introducing their lovers to them. It's just basic parenting. What's an appropriate time to wait then? Because obviously I didn't introduce him after 5 minutes, more like 3 months.

This is hardly a succession of men

No, but it's very upsetting for a child to suddenly have someone disappear out of their life, which a new relationship is more likely to. This is why it's best to wait more like a year or more before telling and introducing children. When it is definitely a long-term thing.

Also, children of single mothers are at increased risk of being targeted by paedophiles.

@ThreeLittleDots so are you saying that my boyfriend is a paedophile? How are you ever going to screen for that? Should I just not date?

For a week or two and as a friend who is having building work done to his house I think that's fine actually. Obviously treat him like a friend when he's staying not a boyfriend. And your child is sleeping with you so it's not like they'll be left unattended with him

It doesn’t matter that your ex showed poor judgment in introducing his girlfriend early, you shouldn’t have done it either.

You've been together 4 months. Likelihood is it isn’t going to last. It was very poor judgement on your part to introduce so soon and it’s absolutely not okay he stays over with such a young child so soon either.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been single. Put your son first.

I think being very serious after 4 months and then moving him in is a bit concerning. As much as you like him you don't know him properly yet. I wouldn't risk my 5 year old living with an adult I have only known for a few months (and I assume you have only been able to see each other once or twice a week due to having your son).

I'm more wondering why your five year old is sleeping with you. What's the issue there?
I was engaged to my husband after six weeks, and I was more circumspect when his kids stayed over at his first time. I didn't want to be there, but he said me being there was his life now.
If you think this is an important relationship I see no reason why you shouldn't have introduced your son to him.

I'd say 18 months or so. Once you've got an idea that it might last.

so are you saying that my boyfriend is a paedophile

Of course I'm not. However it's a fact that paedophiles do target single mums, and are more likely to lose interest if they have no access to the children in the immediate weeks or months.

west-midlands.police.uk/your-options/sarahs-law

She is super clingy with me and requires lots of cuddling and closeness. I had her sleeping in her own room for a time, but she somehow crept back in. I haven't had the energy to kick her out.

You waited 3 whole months...well done 🙄

Seriously though, this is far too soon. Your child meeting your new boyfriend is one thing, but moving him in for however long after such a short relationship shows a massive lack of judgement on your part.

So how can your 5 year old love the boyfriend after knowing them for a month?

You have a niggling doubt OP that this is somehow inappropriate, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. Chances are everything is fine and there's nothing to worry about, but many people wouldn't be willing to take that chance.

I don't know any of my male friends who would accept being introduced to a new girlfriend's children, or stay over so soon.

No not necessarily but you do have to be aware of the risks

By 3 months, I had started to arrange moving cities to be closer to my boyfriend. We'd exchanged "I love yous" and I knew I wanted to be with him forever. We've been together 9 years nearly and are now married.

On the flip side, I had been with my ex boyfriend for two and a half years but hadn't even discussed moving in together.

Basically, time is irrelevant in my opinion.

OP - I don't have any actual advice for you because I've never been in your situation but I hope it all works out for you