To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

[hotnakedgelato]

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

How is a relationship very serious after four months lol

It's sounds very intense

I'd look at moving your five year old back in to her own bedroom before having a stranger stay over

it's too soon and you know it. That's why you're asking on here.

Trust your instincts. Don't give into being nudged and pushed by the new potential partner.

He shouldn't have asked either. It's presumptuous. He's put you in a difficult position.

And no you don't know if he's a paedo. No one ever does, do they, until it's too late. have you check his name with the police?

i'd not have someone over until I'd run a check personally.

Of course I didn't mean she literally loves him.🙄

However, she constantly asks if he can come over etc. Honestly, I am probably happier and more relaxed when he's around because he shares the household labour and it makes it easier for me to spend time with her.

She moved back into my bed long before I met the boyfriend.

My ex was abusive. I am much better at spotting red flags now. Obviously things could go tits up with the boyfriend someday, but I have not gotten any bad vibes from him. He is very sweet and not pushy at all.

No it poor, poor parenting whichever way you spin it. Would you be proud and confident to tell your friends and family you are doing this ? Poor kid, has 2 parents whose interests come before hers.

Nope. I wouldn’t be doing this

I don't exactly know, but I have never felt so certain about a relationship. We are both in our 40s, so I think that we both have had time to really get to know ourselves and what we want.

I think it's reasonable to know after 4 months whether something is serious or not. I'd go as far to say around 4-6 months is an OK time to start introducing people - anything less and yeah, it's not ideal. Particularly if the DC has had a lot of upheaval lately (i.e.; dad has moved in with new girlfriend etc).

My ex introduced our DS to his new girlfriend after 7 weeks, and by week 9/10 was living with her. She introduced her kids to my ex after 3 weeks (and they nearly split the week after that). My DS now sees his dad round the girlfriend's house with her kids, and it's been pretty fucking hard for him to process as we only split up 10 months ago.

Personally, I wouldn't have him over for the two weeks. It's one thing for your DD to see him out and about and for a few hours here and there, but it's different when he's actively in your space and disrupting (potentially) a routine you have. If he's able to pay £250 for a meal for two, I'd hazard a guess he's got enough spare cash to fork out for an Air BnB or cheap hotel for two weeks.

My ex was abusive. I am much better at spotting red flags now.

I'm not surprised your ex was abusive. This pattern is so common. How much work have you done on spotting signs of abuse?

This has 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over it.

I have not gotten any bad vibes from him

You need to open your eyes more. I don't know of any decent man who would ask to stay at the home of a single mother when her 5yo is there, after just a few weeks' dating and lovebombing. Not least when the family are already survivors of abuse.

Come on OP. Give your head a shake. Have you got a counsellor?

Ah, I expect this thread will disappear soon. I always fall for it. Damn.

He's in his 40s, no kids and knows nobody he can stay with for a couple of weeks? And his other plan fell through ?

Yeah right

on Saturday he took me out for a £250 meal for a special occasion (planned some time ago). He also insists on doing the washing up etc when he has dinner with us. He's been very generous and equitable so far. And his house is quite nice.

I don't know the details of his generosity beyond what you've described here but excessive generosity is a red flag too. So please watch for that one especially as you've already been in an abusive relationship.

happiful.com/what-is-love-bombing-and-is-it-a-relationship-red-flag/

I think it's too soon, I also think 3 months is very early to be introducing him to your 5 year old. I didn't have my partner over to stay when the kids were here until well over a year in. We both wanted to be certain it was long term. He wouldn't even have asked 4 months in!

Too late now OP, but the advice i normally see on MN is absolute minimum of 6 months before introducing DC to new bf/gf.
Given this, I would not have a new bf stay in my house with DC at 4 months - you barely know him.

Yes, I have a counselor who doesn't see any problem with my daughter having been introduced to my boyfriend.

I agree. I say that as a single mother. I have my child 90% of the time but I still don't introduce him to any relationship I've only been in a few months.
It's really not that hard to put your kid first and your dating life second.

I don't exactly know, but I have never felt so certain about a relationship. We are both in our 40s, so I think that we both have had time to really get to know ourselves and what we want.

But you don't know each other. You really don't.

I’d let him stay, take sensible precautions around my child and get up to absolutely no shenanigans whilst my child was in the house. Treat it like you’ve got a friend staying for a few days.

You need a new counsellor.

I'm aware of love bombing. My ex did this. My boyfriend has not done this. We just have a strong connection which is difficult to explain or understand.

The biggest risk to a kid is an unrelated male. Moving some bloke you barely know into your daughters home shows pretty poor safeguarding standards. Obviously prioritise your kid and no need to involve her in your dating life.

From your OP alone I didn't think it was too awful. But with all the updates, it's getting worse and worse: history of abuse, love bombing with expensive meals, being allowed to treat the dd in a way you wouldn't let her get away with yourself, very early introduction to a new partner etc. He might be fine, he might be a decent guy, in which case he'll understand why you need to put dd first and not have him staying at yours.

@hotnakedgelato In a professional capacity, I always recommend parents do a Claire's Law and Sarah's law disclosure request to check if there are any recorded concerns around domestic abuse and child abuse.
Obviously there is no guarantee that any precious offending has been reported but generally if there has been previous concerns there will be intelligence about them.

That's not to say anyone thinks your boyfriend is abusive or has a sexual interest in children but you don't know that he doesn't either. As a single mum with a previous abusive relationship, you are at higher risk.

I'm not going to wade in on how quickly you introduced him but I do think 4 months is too soon for him to be staying over for an extended period, even if that is in the spare room.
Personally I'd be waiting for the Claire's and Sarah's law checks to come back.

I wouldn't let him stay but the poster who said you should have waited 18 months is a bit dramatic.

Well I’d not, and I think it deeply inappropriate. He can get an airbnb for the six nights, I am not sure the point though, you’ve invited him and made it clear you’re not going to change your mind so crack on.