To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

[hotnakedgelato]

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

Unfortunately OP doesn't seem to recognise that this (himself) abused, ex-druggie, 'fun' uncle, mysterious lack of previous relationships despite being 40+, has no qualms about inserting himself extremely prematurely into his daughter's life despite knowing her history, and now wants to stay over after knowing her just a few weeks... has many red flags clearly on display.

But he does the washing up and paid for a £250 meal so he must be ok hey

*into his new girlfriend's daughter's life

that should say

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

Yes it is, you know it is or you wouldn't even have asked.

@Blueskydreamer7 - as a single mother (as I am), you have to put your children's safety and well-being first

However much it interferes with your social life
However much it buggers up your sex life
However much it stops you pursuing your hobbies and interests.

It's boring and frustrating - especially if you're a single parent as a result of you child's other parent being an arsehole.

But that's life. It's also a fact of life that men are much more of a risk to children than women are. So heterosexual mothers moving on do have to take things more slowly than heterosexual men.

More than anything though - all parents who are starting off new relationships need to protect their children. Not just from abuse but from emotional entanglement with someone who may not be around long. And if you think someone is going to be around for the long term, there's no need to rush.

More specifically, I have read the OP's other posts about this man - partly because I was curious and partly because I've had a quiet day at work. This is not a relationship I would be getting my child involved in. Not because he sounds like a monster but because it's pretty clear the OP isn't sure. And that's really not fair on her daughter.

It's your choice. The safest choice is no. It will be fine for 2 weeks. You'll feel reassured he is a nice guy. But in 5, 10, 20 years you have to be confident that you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time, for your daughters sake. And I hope you're right for her sake.

Ar christmas you and her dad were living together and now both have new partners. It's not surprising she is clinging to you at night time, she needs to know you arent leaving too.

Those of you who have stalked me and done everything in your power to vilify me and assassinate my character have only proven that you are unhinged. I am definitely not going to take advice from people who form a vendetta against a single mother who's trying her best, and try to make her feel like a horrible and bad mother.

I have introduced my boyfriend to a number of my friends, all cautious professionals with children, and they all think he is great (and I told them that I want to hear about red flags). I have also asked several people their views on the short term stay, and they have been confused about what is the issue.

Thanks to those of you who haven't sought to take me down to build yourselves up.

@RealBecca no, I left her abusive father almost 3 years ago and have barely dated since. You must have me confused with someone else.

Let's hope it isn't your daughter who pays for your stubbornness and ego. Great job.

If you were 100% confident in this decision, you would never have asked the question.

He might be the nicest bloke ever. Maybe you'll end up in your 90s to together, fighting over the remote control.

But the fact is that you barely know him. And if you were my friend, I'd be telling you the same.

Who now has a doctorate in maths and a decent job. Is no one ever allowed to overcome their problems, change their life?
So unforgiving, as though he is defined by his early life forever, and can never change.

Having a doctorate in Maths, Astrophysics or anything at all actually doesn't make you a suitable person to have staying with someone and her young child. I wouldn't have had someone with this background staying in my house at all when my children were younger, never mind as a 'boyfriend'. There's just no need for it. It's good that he's sorted out some of his problems, but relationships are challenging enough (especially when children are involved) even without bringing a load of extra baggage into one.

Not really sure why you bothered posting on AIBU when you appear to have asked a few people in RL and been satisfied with their opinions.

People are concerned as you introduced your daughter to this man at two months into this ‘very serious’ relationship, which is now only four months long.

They’re concerned about your daughter, who you claim ‘loves’ this man. This man who you felt compelled to post about when he did fuck all cor your birthday. A couple of months into a relationship and he’s already giving no shits about his girlfriend’s birthday? That’s crap.

@Herejustforthisone lol, yes, their sincere concern is very apparent from all of the nasty remarks and effort to catch me out in a lie.

The funny thing about this statement

Great, I had wasted my time drafting a reply that was deleted by a Mumsnet glitch.

Honestly, this place is filled with people who are unhinged and paranoid and apparently will do anything possible to confirm their insane and paranoid worldviews.

Why on earth did you post on here then?
We’re all unhinged, paranoid lunatics. Abusers never come across as nice guys at first, love bombing doesn’t happen, and you’re completely comfortable with your decision.

our

I mean this gently, but the level of defensiveness is really common with those who doubt situations and relationships but don't want to admit it deep down. It's common for MN users to look at an OP's previous posts - that's the whole reason why the name change facility is available if you don't want to be associated with previous posting.

It's less about trying to "catch" you out and more about people having genuine concern that having been a victim of abuse before, and speeding into a relationship that involves a child, you could be hurt again, which in turn informs posters about how best to advise you. I agree some of these replies have been harsh or pointed, but at the same time there are an awful lot of posts on MN that are from women who fail to safeguard their children or admit they've made mistakes with exes/partners and need help in trying to gain freedom. You yourself had your own doubts, hence this question being posted in the first place - people are merely responding to that and trying to arm themselves with enough available evidence to advise accordingly.

@PollyDarton1 - agreed with what you said. I hadn't read the OP's dating thread posts but that would make me shudder even more.

OP - really it's entirely what you want to do with your life, who you wish to date etc but when you add into the mix someone with drugs issues (even though he's past that) it gets really tricky. I recall when I was about 20 or so there was a friend of the family same age as me but known for liking drugs and partying. Nice enough man but there was that and it was problematic for him. He asked me out and I said no. Because I could foresee future issues. I've got no idea how he's doing now but I didn't date him then due to those issues.

You just seem to be intent on ignoring everyone on MN's posts, which is fine, but as I and others have said, why post here then? As you're not happy with the answers you're getting.

And I bet (even though you say otherwise) that your family/friends are a bit concerned re this man, but they don't dare say anything to you, due to your responses to them in real life, which is probably why you've chosen to post here, for good responses, so you can go back to them and say MN (or make out it's 'friends') say it's ok, so you can stop worrying!

I know it's hard to respond to each post but you've been given some good, considered and professional advice which you seem to have ignored in favour of reacting to the more extreme and critical posts. This is a shame because I think you really do need to listen to genuine concerns.

I did look at the other thread as well and you seem to have responded in a really aggressive way there too.

It's truly bizarre how people in this thread seem to have made it their mission to prove that I am a liar and a horrible mother, to the extent of trawling through unrelated old posts to try to find tiny inconsistencies which can be used to discredit me.

Actually I would have been open to advice here, but it's become clear that posters are starting with the assumption that I am a liar who is putting my romantic life before my child, and then desperately searching for evidence to support this. There is no genuine effort to provide useful advice.

I don't need to fabricate advice from people IRL to defend myself against unhinged MN posters. I now see that it's simply useless to ask a question like this on this forum. I should have just asked family and friends to start with.

Ok but even outside of the 'unhinged' as you call them (I'd say they are concerned) it's nearly unanimous that it's a terrible idea. One or 2 agreeing with you who have either also introduced dc ridiculously too soon so feeling defensive or would actually never dream of doing so themselves. Please think abbot your dd over getting one up over strangers online.

No one is saying you're a liar and a horrible mother!

What do you think advanced search is here for? Why ask questions here if you don't like responses?!

I've got better things to do with my time and so have other MNers to give advice or read, and then OP ignores it or discredits all of it. It's fine OP, it is your life!

But you do you babe