To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

[hotnakedgelato]

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

What's an appropriate time to wait then? Because obviously I didn't introduce him after 5 minutes, more like 3 months.

3 months is like 5 minutes. That's a ridiculously short length of time. I've had longer lasting relationships with a tub of Pringles.

Personally I'd be waiting a year or so but 6 months at a minimum and that's just for an introduction, not moving him in, however temporary it's supposedly going to be.

@slashlover the boyfriend has been coming over for dinner once a week, and she had to come along for our plans recently when her father had Covid during his visitation time.

The boyfriend is very fun and playful with her, and puts up with all sorts of annoying stuff that I wouldn't tolerate. Obviously this is enjoyable for her.

Cannot believe the level of judgement here!! If he is staying in the spare room temporarily and the two of you aren't behaving like this is a moving in situation then what is the problem? You have clearly made a judgement that this is serious enough to introduce your child to. That is your call to make, and you know best yourself. What do you friends and family think? They would be best to advise you knowing you both and your situation.

18 months? Paedophile? Jesus! People get married in 6 months and live perfectly happy lives. Let the girl make her own judgements and stop jumping to worst case scenario Every. Blinking. Time.

I do wonder about some posters on here. Who hurt you? Why you so mad? Go have a cup of tea and some chocolate. Life isn't always out to get you.

Basically, time is irrelevant in my opinion.

It's far from bloody irrelevant when you have a child whose interests, feelings and welfare you're supposed to protect.

I think for such a little child, 2 weeks of having someone staying in your house is a lot. Routines develop even in that short (for us) time. It's too long.

Nice of you to offer and I see why you did, but best to ask him to make other arrangements as you'd like to take things slowly with the relationship between him and your child. Fools rush in and all that.

I think a week or two while your BF gets work done on his own house is ok. It's not like he is moving in full time. Just tell your 5 yr old mummy's friend is staying while the builders fix his house so she knows it isn't a long term thing.

I do think you were early to introduce your bf to dd but sure that's done now.

I do wonder about some posters on here. Who hurt you? Why you so mad? Go have a cup of tea and some chocolate. Life isn't always out to get you

Who is angry? It is extremely naïve for people to be unaware of the potential risks of introducing very new partners to their young children. Not just from an attachment perspective but also from one of safety.

You don’t want to deal with the tantrum of putting her in her own room, even though it would be best for her.

Why would this be best for her? If I thought that it would be better for her, I would boot her out. She unfortunately has long days of after school club etc and I think that she craves more closeness and time with me.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two

What work and why doesn't he have anywhere else to stay?

I know its bonkers...how can you practically maintain a relationship with someone as a main caregiver and not let them cross paths for 18 months. Absolutely batshit.

I would wager a guess that half the judgemental responses come from people who have been smugly coupled for decades and have absolutely no idea what it is like to date as a single parent.

Incidentally, she will be away for the next two weekends, so we are looking at about 6 nights max of him staying while she is there

"I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend."

In all these posts, the small child always loves or adores the new boyfriend of a few weeks. 🙄

You have a niggling doubt OP that this is somehow inappropriate

I am highly anxious and I doubt myself in nearly everything.

No you shouldn't date. Men can of course 🙄. Just not us women. Ignore the judgemental posters OP. You are entitled to a romantic life. I had one.
I was just very careful about how much my children saw. I never had a 'succession of men' or introduced them after '5 minutes' either FFS. It makes me sick how men can move in with women after '5 minutes' but we are expected to live like nuns until the children are 18.
I'm not talking about exposing them to sleepovers either. There is nothing wrong with inviting another adult into your home to visit or out and about.

What work and why doesn't he have anywhere else to stay? Big work on flooring and kitchen.

He could stay with his parents but they live a very long way away. He was thinking of staying with some close friends but now one of them has Covid

I certainly would struggle to find someone to stay with while having work done. I hope that this doesn't mean that I am a terrible person

i could never have a man I’ve known for four months sleepover in my home with my young child who barely knows them, I wouldn’t have even introduced them yet never mind move them in for a couple of weeks

Nope. It’s not your job to make his life easier. Wouldn’t move any ‘boyfriend’ in If you’re looking for a serious relationship that’s without a child. I definitely wouldn’t subject your child to this.

"Subject her child" to what exactly? A house guest for 6 days? Has anyone called social services?

Highly anxious mum who doesn't trust her own judgement gets into a "very serious" relationship with a brand new boyfriend, who tells her he wants a LTR, and is particularly "fun" and "playful" with her clingy daughter, who "loves him".

I really and honestly hope everything is ok and above board here but please think carefully about whether him staying over is too soon. What would he say if you told him you've changed your mind?

18 months? Paedophile? Jesus! People get married in 6 months and live perfectly happy lives. Let the girl make her own judgements and stop jumping to worst case scenario Every. Blinking. Time.


I do wonder about some posters on here. Who hurt you? Why you so mad? Go have a cup of tea and some chocolate. Life isn't always out to get you.


Life isn't a fairy tale. Some men, too many men commit domestic violence and emotional abuse. So it pays to be wary of who you are bringing into your children's lives. It's a very real risk and not something to be casually dismissed. My friend was brutally murdered after a long history of domestic violence. by her partner who left her body for her child(not his biological child)to find when she returned from school. And it's known that Stepfathers are much more likely to abuse children than biological fathers(The Cinderella Effect as it's known) But even if that isn't a factor it isn't fair for children to get so emotionally attached so soon to people who may be in and out of their lives so quickly.

And no we're no expecting women to be nuns so enough with that BS but there is a happy medium between 3 months and a decade. Also I don't agree with men doing it either, it's wrong of them too but let's be honest, men as a class are a bigger threat.

What would he say if you told him you've changed your mind? He would probably understand and would go stay in a hotel. I think that it would be pretty mean of me given the work is starting this week.

What work is he having done on his home ?

Why can't he stay in his home ?
Doesn't he have anyone else to stay with ?

I've had work done & I've not moved out ever

You're highly anxious and doubt yourself in everything yet you're having a man you barely know stay in the house with your 5 year old?

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts

I would say to err on the side of caution and tell him you've changed your mind. If you're not 100% happy about him staying. Better to be careful rather than worry what he thinks of you. A rational, loving partner would understand and have no problem with this.