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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

264 replies

hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 11:31

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

OP posts:
HoldingTheDoor · 11/07/2022 13:24

From your OP alone I didn't think it was too awful. But with all the updates, it's getting worse and worse: history of abuse, love bombing with expensive meals, being allowed to treat the dd in a way you wouldn't let her get away with yourself, very early introduction to a new partner etc

All of this. Red flags everywhere. As is this We just have a strong connection which is difficult to explain or understand

Original poster
hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:27

We just have a strong connection which is difficult to explain or understand

Sigh, why is this a red flag?

OP posts:
Summersolargirl · 11/07/2022 13:28

She is super clingy with me and requires lots of cuddling and closeness. I had her sleeping in her own room for a time, but she somehow crept back in. I haven't had the energy to kick her out.

well this isn’t going to help is it. It’s her safe space, she will be even more pushed out knowing he’s now staying in her home. You’ve literally known this guy a few weeks.

ohmygash · 11/07/2022 13:28

Why even ask if you’re so sure you’re right and are going to do it anyway? I suspect you expected a pat on the back for putting him in the spare room rather than your bed but you’re not getting it

GreyTS · 11/07/2022 13:29

To whoever was asking about posters personal situations, I have been a single parent for close to 5 years, my DD's are 11 and 13. BF and I have been together for close to 3 years, after 12 months (yea 1 whole year) we told our children we were seeing each other, 6 months later we met each other's children and even now we do not involve them in our love lives. Of course this means we see each other a lot less than we would like to but tough we're adults and the years pass very quickly

Johnnypiratesfriend · 11/07/2022 13:29

Sorry I think mn has gone crazy again.

Hubby and I ( happily married for 10 years) married at 18 months. I met his children early on because it was important to see how we would bond. I now have my own children and feel I would 100% introduce my children to a partner should I find myself dating again. I would not keep something so big from them! Also they should have some say if they like the person joining the family!!!

In our house daddy sometimes let's the kids do things I don't ( extra sweets filled with addictives) the kids think it's great I just roll my eyes and say well that was a special treat. Similarly I let next doors cat in and let the kids stroke her. Hubby doesn't like cats. The kids tell daddy and he rolls he's eyes and tells them mummy is a big softie. It's not lazy parenting it's different parenting.

Also kids always welcome in my bed and I'm available to them. That's how you protect children. If ( and its a big if) he should be a pedophile, see a close relationship with your dd would protect her. As children who would tell someone and that person believes in them makes it too risky for a pedophile.

I answer to your original question I would. I would also behave like a couple around her (appropriately though: no sex on the kitchen table etc). Let her see what love looks like especially if you've been single awhile.

By the way you sound like a lovely mummy and I hope it all works out for you!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/07/2022 13:33

My spidey senses were tingling at 5 year old DD, add in the sleeping with mummy bit and he's very playful etc with her.

For context my DM was 'stroked' on her body by her stepfather when she got into bed with her DM (nightmares) at about 11 years old. Luckily it never went further as her DM (my nana) put a stop to it).

He could stay with a friend or anyone else.

and yes, a 4/5 month old relationship, this is rushing it and definitely to introduce kids to new partners. Most people I know who are single parents wait approximately 6 months.

Meraas · 11/07/2022 13:33

OP, if you wouldn’t leave your child alone with your boyfriend, then you shouldn’t be moving him in.

You may not be able to keep your child in sight at all times and that’s always a dangerous prospect with someone you’ve only known 4 months.

Original poster
hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:35

ohmygash · 11/07/2022 13:28

Why even ask if you’re so sure you’re right and are going to do it anyway? I suspect you expected a pat on the back for putting him in the spare room rather than your bed but you’re not getting it

I certainly wasn't expecting a pat on the back, no. However, I don't especially appreciate the diagnosis of my bf being an abusive love bomber🙄

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/07/2022 13:36

hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:27

We just have a strong connection which is difficult to explain or understand

Sigh, why is this a red flag?

Love bombing - google it. I've had the same and it didn't end well (emotionally abused and bullied me, jealous/possessive over 2 years).

ThreeLittleDots · 11/07/2022 13:36

*We just have a strong connection which is difficult to explain or understand
...

Sigh, why is this a red flag*

Because you've got shit in your eyes and can't see the full picture clearly. Your daughter already has attachment issues. Your no.1 priority should be HER.

Original poster
hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:37

There is literally no chance that he will be getting into bed with us. He will have his own bed.

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 11/07/2022 13:37

I certainly wasn't expecting a pat on the back, no. However, I don't especially appreciate the diagnosis of my bf being an abusive love bomber

Would you have appreciated it if someone had warned you about your abusive ex?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/07/2022 13:37

hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:35

I certainly wasn't expecting a pat on the back, no. However, I don't especially appreciate the diagnosis of my bf being an abusive love bomber🙄

Show quote history

So why are you posting here and asking the questions?

MN is full of women/men who have experience of this. If you choose to ignore this then that's your look out.

Thelnebriati · 11/07/2022 13:38

Why not google 'red flags in new relationships', and check out his background? You can google ''name + convicted'', and you can ask about him using Sarahs Law at the local police station to see if he has any convictions.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/07/2022 13:39

hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:37

There is literally no chance that he will be getting into bed with us. He will have his own bed.

You have no idea what might happen. Your DD might wake in the night with a nightmare and start crying. Next thing you know your boyfriend is awake and coming into your room.

I'm not saying this would happen but it very well could. The touchy feely/laughing and joking with her sounds excessive and OTT too.

Original poster
hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:42

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/07/2022 13:36

Love bombing - google it. I've had the same and it didn't end well (emotionally abused and bullied me, jealous/possessive over 2 years).

Show quote history

I'm very aware of love bombing. I'm the one who keeps going on about our connection, not him. He just acts like himself and I see how kind and empathetic he is. I really appreciate who he is as a person. He apparently feels similarly.

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 11/07/2022 13:42

OP - people have explained why they would have reservations. They've explained why they wouldn't have him over. We don't know your relationship and I think irrespective of whatever anyone says on here you'll go ahead with the arrangement because that's what you want. Some of the comments have been harsh or hard to hear, but it's especially relevant when you've been through an abusive relationship before and have a young child. Take the advice, or don't take the advice, but appreciate that people responding are only going on your information and the experiences they have had.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/07/2022 13:44

They've already met him so I don't see why not?

springbreak22 · 11/07/2022 13:46

Sigh, said it before will say it again...

You have known this man 12 weeks, step up and be the parent you should be.

ThreeLittleDots · 11/07/2022 13:48

Does he know you are both abuse survivors?

What is his dating history?

Does he have his own children?

knittingaddict · 11/07/2022 13:49

gogohmm · 11/07/2022 12:47

People are being harsh, it seems fine. Honestly you can tell if a relationship is good enough to introduce a child, I knew immediately dp was for keeps

No, you got lucky.

I should know. I dated for 3 months, was engaged for 3 months and very happily married for 37 years now. In hindsight I can see that it could easily have gone the other way and it could have been a complete disaster. I think I do have good judgement and can spot a good man when I see one, but I can also see the element of "luck" in all this.

In addition I was young and had no children to worry about. The only thing I might have fucked up was my own life. Did you have children gogohmm?

3 months is too short when you have children that you are responsible for

Astrabees · 11/07/2022 13:52

If it is love bombing to wash up and take our girlfriend out for a £250 lunch i'm still being love bombed after 30+ years of marriage. If you like good food £250 doesn't go far - the vat element is £50! OP you are being criticised for "moving him in" you are not. I'm sure you would get warnings if he didn't interact with your DD every bit as much as you are getting for his being playful with her. I believe you are being kind and it is in no way inappropriate for you to put him up in your spare room for a few days while he has the work done to his house. Don't let anyone make you think you are not a good parent.

Original poster
hotnakedgelato · 11/07/2022 13:52

ThreeLittleDots · 11/07/2022 13:48

Does he know you are both abuse survivors?

What is his dating history?

Does he have his own children?

Yes. He is also an abuse survivor (in a different context -emotional and physical)

He has very little dating history. His life was very disrupted for a long time by a family situation, and he is not a person who just dates someone to be in a relationship.

He doesn't have children, but he is a godfather/uncle figure to the children of his close friends. He would have liked children but apparently not enough to force the wrong kind of relationship.

OP posts:
Lucia1234 · 11/07/2022 13:53

You are having doubts which is why you are questioning if he should move in. I personally think you are a good person trying to do your boyfriend a favour however I think it's too soon and not just for your son but for you too. People are being very judgemental on here.....being a single mum and dating is hard and sometimes you have to juggle and meeting a friend of mummy's after 3 months is not too bad as long as the relationship is downplayed.