To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

[hotnakedgelato]

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

Agree wholeheartedly

Again, why bother asking here if you’re so insistent that you’ve made a good parenting decision?

It sounds fine to me. Understandable that he’s asked, fine if you say no. For what its worth, things moved very quick with my last bf and he did stay overnight early on. My then 6dd got on well with him and despite my misgivings I went with it as it was the one good thing I had going on at a difficult point in my life… that was years ago and we are now married and my adult kids love him like a father. We are a great team and I’m glad I trusted my gut all those years ago. Like a pp said, ask people who know him in rl for advice, it will be more balanced than what you are getting on here. And good luck 🙂

Unfortunately op isn't going to. She clearly believes she isn't wrong so not sure why she posted.

It's only for a few days and then he will be gone. It's only temporary. If he gives excuses about not being able to leave, well you know there are problems ahead.

Paedophiles target single mothers. That's a fact.

I'm not saying this bloke is one but there is no way the OP knows if he's a decent bloke or not because she barely knows him.

I'm sure she didn't think her husband was abusive either when she married and had a child with him.

Women who have children and who are dating need to put their children first. Introducing a man you hardly know to your child, encouraging physical contact is not doing that. Neither is moving them in - even for a limited time.

And no decent man would suggest he comes to stay for two weeks to a woman with a small child. He will inevitably be alone with the OP's little girl if he's staying.

OP it was very kind of you to offer to put your boyfriend up while he has work done. Also I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a 5 y.o. still needing cuddles and closeness at night. She will grow out of it when she's ready and the likelihood of it lasting til she's 35 is very, very low!

IMO it's a little early to have your boyfriend stay in your house for 2 weeks. If he's as nice a guy as you say he is, you should be able to just tell him "Sorry, I've had a chance to think this through some more and it won't be possible for you to stay with me after all, you'll need to make other arrangements," right? His reaction might tell you a lot about what kind of person he is and the quality of the relationship.

A good man should understand that you have a right to go slowly and carefully when you have such a young child, and that imposing himself on you would be absolutely wrong!

This has nothing to do with dating as a single parent and everything to do with basic safeguarding.
Sarah's Law and Clare's Law allow any one of us to do a simple background check, they aren't fool proof (they rely on previous convictions) but IDK why you wouldn't take advantage of them. IDK why anyone would make a big fuss about women suggesting caution.

OP you’re getting a hard time here which is perhaps unwarranted. But if you’re familiar with MN and also generally ‘good’ relationship advice then you will know that a relationship of 12 weeks / 4 months is literally no time at all to really have got to know someone. That doesn’t mean your DP is a dick in any way at all, but you really don’t know yet - everyone is on their best behaviour at this stage of a relationship.

I personally find the fact that he asked you about staying over, a small red flag - because it’s not easy to say no is it? Which is why you’re on here asking. He can profusely say he won’t mind if you say no, and maybe he won’t. But he still asked and didn’t find himself an alternative first / wait to be invited and that would give me a slot niggle.

Your DC may really enjoy spending time with him, but that’s not the same as him living in her home, albeit temporarily. What if the works at his home are delayed? You are blurring the lines very early on. What’s the rush?

If there are no red flags, if everything is perfect, why are you on here asking? If the answer is that you’re always this unable to make clear / sensible decisions and question yourself. Perhaps you need some therapy / support for that so you feel more able to make sensible decisions for yours and your daughters best life.

Why does he need builders in? Was it urgent?
Feels like he might have engineered this so he can stay with you.
I wouldn't want someone I've known 4 months sharing a house with my daughter. I'm a teacher and the things I see and hear... Not a chance.

Of course you are... or else you wouldn't be mentioning it.

No, you're in love/lust with him and no matter what anyone else says we're all spoilsports because you're in lurve (as a friend of mine put it).

Which is fine if it's only you but you've got a 5 year old DD to think about.

We all know here what you're going to do OP (let him stay) so again, why bother asking us?!

I'm not a teacher but my DM was one (retired) and a SENCO. Similar to you, she saw and heard shocking things re children and adults.

His behaviour with DD's daughter is way too OTT and intimate in my opinion. A lot of men I know when dating a woman with a young DD, generally hold back on all that, in case they're accused of anything horrible.

You've mainly got idiots screeching at you

OP posted for opinions. No need for name-calling and dramatisation if you read some you don't agree with.

I suppose one upside might be that if he really is in your spare room only and only for two weeks you will get to know him properly pretty quick. But I think its highly unlikely you're not going to be cuddling on the sofa, holding hands etc in front of your Dd and she will notice. For those saying us naysayers don't understand, I am 5 years into a serious relationship that will not become a co-habiting one (if ever) until my 2 children who are not yet teens move out. My DP is a good guy and does a lot for me and them practically, but is in no sense or way a step father, and none of us want that. Its perfectly possible to date and have a romantic and even sex life as a single parent whilst keeping it largely separate from your children.

OP,
You sound like a nice woman, but he did put you in a spot asking you.

I don't think he should have done that.

If he hadn't asked, I don't think you would have offered, and you would have been right not to.

Your daughter is super clingy and she's 5, so she has some issues.

I would tread very carefully in this case.

I think great connection or not, great caution is wise.

I wish more parents were as sensible as this and put their children first!

OP please do the checks that previous posters have advised before continuing with this relationship. I think it’s a sensible thing for any single mother to do when introducing a new man to her children.

I’m going to get jumped on for this but your recent post where you disclose that he was the victim of abuse raises a little eyebrow from me. I’ve worked for a domestic violence charity previously and so many of the abusive men made counter claims against their partners. Of course I know men can be victims of women but it’s much less prevalent.

Sorry I just can’t understand why women do this. You do realise that men will go to great lengths to engineer situations and groom parents/children so they can abuse. You don’t know if he is or isn’t doing this, why take the risk? You can have a relationship with him that doesn’t involve your daughter in any way. So many women get blinded by the attention and forget it’s their job to protect their children.

Well I introduced my seven year old to my bf at 3 months and only because I would not have allowed the relationship to progress further than that if I had thought he was not great stepfather material. I would also not have had sex with him if he had not been great stepfather material. It took me three months to take that risk (now 14 years ago - yes he was and still is a great stepfather). So I think if you are really sure where it's going, four months is long enough to know. But don't fool yourself because you badly want it to be true.

This thread 🤣🤣🤣

I literally cannot believe the response in this thread are actual real life opinions and not piss takes. Pedophiles, grooming, mothers not being allowed to introduce partners to their children because heaven forbid they know their own bloody circumstances.

bonkers.

Some people's 3 months might be duper causal, some people get married in shorter times! I agree with the sentiment that you should take care about introducing people but presumably it is just mummy's friend, not your potential new step father that they get introduced as! I'm sure we all introduce our kids to people who are in and out if their lives to varying degrees friends, family etc furthermore relationships breakdown at all sorts of points so waiting a year isn't necessarily more security.
Let him stay, it will be a good chance to check whether you've got longevity. happy mummy, happy child.

Re bed sharing I am imagining Katherine Ryan's character

Are you sure he has a home? Once you let him in he may never leave?

Cocklodger written all over it.