To not pay for DD's school trip

[MamaCathy73]

Hi everyone,

My DD is 14 and her school is doing a ski trip for her year group. This is very expensive (upwards of £1000), and we simply cannot afford it. However, all of her friends are going, and she is making a fuss about not being able to go. It would not be completely impossible for us but it would be putting us at risk, and it would definitely impact our lives. She doesn't seem to have much of an idea about money, and she is very frustrated with DH and me.

What should I do?

@Isahlo i hope you enjoy every second of your well earned holiday.

A 14 year old is old enough to understand that £1000 is a lot of money and you can't afford it.
I'm sure "all" her friends aren't going. In my fairly large school with 280 children in each year group, we take about 20 of them on the ski trip. The vast majority don't come either because they can't afford, don't want to pay or don't get chosen for a space. She won't be the only one.

In 1965 I just accepted that I would not be able to go on the class skiing trip as I knew my parents could not afford it; it was a question of them paying the rent and feeding the family - I was one of two in the class that could not go. My school friends didn't question it, and there was no pressure or bullying from what I remember, although I recall inwardly feeling resentful when they were talking about the trip. I think this was a good grounding for not expecting to have expensive holidays. I listen to friends now talking about how they expect to have two or three holidays per year, and I'm just astounded by their sense of entitlement tbh. Maybe it's me inheriting my parents' working-class ethics or years of making do, but I can't put a holiday at the forefront of my to-do list. I'd speak to your child about the expense and your budget - and suggest you all save together for a lovely family trip because if she goes, she won't remember much of it in years to come! We struggled to send our daughter on her school trip when she was 15, and she wouldn't be able to tell you anything about it now!

No - it’s actually quite important that you model living within your means here. I guess there will be one next year? Suggest she saves up for it, and you will put in the final £200 (or whatever). Not doing something because you can’t afford it is exactly what should happen

It’s a shame she feels so frustrated. It can easily pull on your heart strings, and make you feel like your are depriving your child of something. In the grand scheme of things not all of her friends will be going. Generally spaces are limited. There will be other parents who cannot afford it, there will be some that put themselves in debt to pay for it, others who can afford it and some who can afford but still won’t want to spend that amount of money on a school trip.

If you can’t afford it say no, and you will just have to ride her frustrated attitude out knowing that you will be financially stable in the long term - and that is you being a good sensible parent putting you ability to provide first.

As already suggested, maybe a summer job could teach the value of money.

One of my dc walks dogs and sells things on fb market place to earn extra cash.

We struggled to send our daughter on her school trip when she was 15, and she wouldn't be able to tell you anything about it now!
This surprises me , I remember so much about my last year in primary school trip to The Isle of Wight and first year at secondary school trip to Jersey. In fact I went back there last year for the first time and bored my DH with stories about things that happened on the different day trips. I’ll always remember arriving and being fascinated how it almost felt abroad and lots of the street names were in French but some of the houses looked like ones in England.
Thinking about it I remember loads from my Brownies trip to Eastbourne too.

My dd is going on one at a similar cost in excess of 1k. It is a lot of money. We can only afford it because she is our youngest and could not have done it with the older 3. You will just have to explain that you cannot afford it. It is hard for them though when they are the only one not going. Does the school have any kind of fund for lower earning parents to access?

My state school ran ski trips and as a result lots of kids (including me) got to go skiing who would never otherwise have been able to.
It is a shame for the kids that can’t go but it’s great that state schools are still doing this. Why should skiing just be for private schools?

If it was me, I’d probably try to find a way for her to go, because it was such a good experience for me and I’d want her to have that too. But if you really can’t afford it then she’ll have to understand that. As pp said, saving for next year could be a compromise.

1. She won’t be the only one not going.
2. 14 isn’t too young to have lessons about family, your family, finances.
3. It’s unlikely that a school will offer subsidised places for a trip such as this. History, Geography etc trips - more likely.

This

to be fair, my lad (19) was earning money mowing lawns, washing cars , walking dogs etc when he was 12+ mostly through people through church, or neighbours etc. But he did alright.

It's a life lesson and an important one.

At 14 she needs to start learning about the meaning of money, and that she is part of a family - what she does has impacts on others.

It is highly unlikely that ALL her friends are going, this smacks of the classic teen argument of 'everyone else is allowed to insert object of desire here' Places are limited and besides, other families won't be able to afford it either.

Skiing is dreadful thing to save for as well, even if you afford the holiday there's the kit too.

Say no, stick to it and start thinking about ways to engage her with money:

being a bit more open about family finances and things you are cutting back on with cost of living crisis
handing her over a budget so she has to pay for some of her expenses herself, maybe a clothes budget

At her age I knew full well not to put myself in for school trips as we couldn't afford it, my mum was mending my uniform to try and make it last and I knew that making the mortgage payments was a struggle. She's old enough to know.

I have a tiny little chip on my shoulder about school trips. I really, really wanted to go on a school trip to France. My closest friends said they were going - and did go. That was back in ancient times though when under 16s could have a job and I'd been working on Saturdays and in school holidays since I was almost 15. My parents said I couldn't go, so I saved up and paid for it myself. I was good at French, and ended up pursuing it to degree level. I had never been to France.

A year or so later, there was a history trip to Paris. I was studying the French Revolution for A level History, and I was desperate to go. My parents said no, and this time I didn't have enough money to pay for it myself. I was gutted not to be able to go! Yes, my friends and classmates pretty much all went.

Fast forward a few years, and one by one, both of my sisters (neither of whom had a PT job) were funded by my parents when their turn to go came. I felt very hard done by!

Soooo, I wanted to be as fair to my kids as I could. DD1 had trips to Germany and Spain, plus a French exchange. DD2 had a trip to Spain, a French exchange, and a Travel & Tourism trip to Paris. She was also funded for a uni trip to NYC during her degree course. I wanted her to go... but I didn't. They were only able to accommodate something like 30, and DD2 and her friend were 29 and 30 😁DS however never did any school trips, which I feel bad about, but he never wanted to go, plus Covid hit before his GCSEs. I would have loved for him to have that experience too and would have funded 3 school trips somehow, same as his siblings!

I do remember DD1 losing the plot because I wouldn't pay for her to go to Spain for a very expensive sports trip! She wasn't even sporty lol! She's 25 now and I think she's long got over it!!

They also all got to do Guides/Scouts, various musical instruments each, swimming lessons, etc which had me running around 5 nights a week. I'm not sure they will ever appreciate the efforts/expense/sacrifices that were made for them...

£1k is a lot for most families to find. If you are going to struggle to find it, then you have to say no. Plus if you do say yes, then remember if you have other children, then they have to get the same opportunity. Personally I felt that £1k (think the sports trip was over that, and my DD is 25 now!) was better put towards a family holiday that we could all enjoy!

LOL, as if the school would fund a jolly

I think travelling is important but over 1k sounds like an awful lot. If it's for the experience of skiing the school could have picked Scotland. Sounds like they're going to the Italian Alps instead though with the sterling so low everything's expensive.

that may have been ok when you did it but I wouldn't pay a child to work in my garden, especially not using sharp or power tools. I'd be too worried about the consequences of an accident.

I remember being maybe 12 and upwards, and my mum being very honest about what things cost, and talking to me about relative costs of things, and letting me choose. She'd explain that we could perhaps do this thing I really wanted, but it would mean going without xy or z, or that instead I could not have pocket money for x many weeks or months, or that I could have this, but then we wouldn't be able to afford another for this long. I think it was really helpful, because it made me really consider and think about how much I really wanted something, and often after thinking about it for a few days, I'd decide that I'd rather have 10 small things spread over the year, than one big thing that beforehand I really REALLY thought I wanted. I'm nearly 50 now and I still do it - do I REALLY want this £100 concert ticket, will I enjoy it 10 times more than 10 separate trips to the cinema? Do I REALLY want this takeaway, or would I enjoy that amount of money towards some new DMs which I can have a month earlier if I don't have the takeaway? It's stuck with me for ever now.

None of mine went on the skiing trips, I couldn't afford it. Same with the trip to America that was over £1000

Schools are not going to pay towards a ski trip

@Touchmybum My DH was similar. He asked to go on one trip aged about 13 and was told no, there was no money for trips abroad. Every other trip, he threw the letter away before he got home. He was surprised when SIL1 could go on a "fun" trio to Europe and then SIL2.

He never forgot it, he is still a bit pissed off about it. He is 60. The consequence was that he signed off every single trip form for the DC he could get his hands on. Even the trip to the Galapogos Islands when DS was not a geographer. Even DS gave him the form back and said FFS dad, everyone's swerving that. It's ridiculous.

I was about that age when my schoolfriends went on a trip to France. My parents said no but didn't really explain why. My memory is that I was the only one left out but maybe that's because any others who didn't go kept quiet. But anyway, I found it really hard listening to what a great time they'd had. I think you should make it happen if you possibly can, and explain the consequences either way (if you go on this, we will have to borrow, you'll have to pay towards it, and you won't be able to go on another one, or whatever).

All her friends? I seriously doubt it! At 14 she is old enough to grasp that financial decisions have to be balanced and priorities determined. Just say no, sorry, not this time.

Yeah lol she's lying if she claims 'all her friends are going'. Let's be clear this is not a 'school trip' in the usually understood sense, its a school organised holiday, during the school holidays, with a only a small fixed number of places available (usually about 25 kids go out of maybe 200). Only the minority will go on this school organised holiday. I'm always amused by how many kids claim to parents that 'all their friends are going', parents scrap together the money, to find it turns out, no, friends are not all going!!

I did an out of school activity which was basically my whole life outside school. One year there was a foreign trip, and my parents couldn't afford it. Literally everyone else went and I did feel left out, but I also understood that if my parents had sent me, there would have been no family holiday that year (and I'm talking camping, not AI) and I wouldn't have wanted the rest of the family to miss out. However, there were also numerous ski trips at school that I didn't go on, but neither did the vast majority of others - ski trips are always limited numbers and really expensive. I did go on a couple of exchange type trips which were less expensive, and maybe something else will come along that you'll be able to afford and that your daughter can contribute to if she starts babysitting etc. DH and I are in the fortunate position where in theory we could say yes to every school trip for our kids, but we don't, because some of them are just so expensive for a few days for one member of the family, and we also object to schools offering very expensive trips for exactly the reasons the OP is experiencing. Our kids have each done a couple of more affordable foreign school trips.

She is old enough to understand that some things just aren't affordable. Tell her the truth.

Babysitting yes. Child supervision? A tricky one to offer this - anything over two hours a day a day NOT at the parents house the person must be ofsted registered.
I say this as a registered childminder.