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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
kateandme · 11/07/2022 04:39

I maybe learn from her op.you sounded overwhelmed and stressed today.and I think this added to your opinions on your friend.can you step back.that hour she got todaybeobablý saves her and able her to help out the way she does in other areas.
Pda attracts a certain type I was going to come and say. U coming back like u did makes me think your Not!

Hottubby · 11/07/2022 04:46

PTAzilla much?

mummabubs · 11/07/2022 05:18

I hope you meant it in your reply OP when you said on reflection you see you've been unreasonable, because you have been. It's so sad to me that you say other people's views of her have now changed because of this. Our son starts school in September and it's precisely because of situations like this that I won't be joining the PTA.

JustLyra · 11/07/2022 05:21

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 22:07

Thanks everyone.

Sorry I haven't been replying. Definitely realise I was in the wrong and feeling a bit sheepish...

Fair play for holding your hands up on here.

That said, I do hope you are rectifying any damage you have done to your friend’s reputation from your sniping about her amongst your mutual friends.

ImAvingOops · 11/07/2022 07:19

@Crazycrazylady , the people who attend everything are spending money. The purpose is to raise cash. So even if they aren't volunteering, they are contributing!

No one needs to feel 'ire' about anyone else's behaviour, since mostly everyone is doing exactly what they have chosen to do!

CruCru · 11/07/2022 07:58

Guys, the OP has come back to say that she sees she was in the wrong. Carrying on putting the boot in is a bit unpleasant.

Herejustforthisone · 11/07/2022 08:35

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This is why I keep my head down at drop off and pick up. I do not want to get sucked into this sort of absolute nonsense.

WeAreBob · 11/07/2022 10:25

mummabubs · 11/07/2022 05:18

I hope you meant it in your reply OP when you said on reflection you see you've been unreasonable, because you have been. It's so sad to me that you say other people's views of her have now changed because of this. Our son starts school in September and it's precisely because of situations like this that I won't be joining the PTA.

This woman isn't even on the PTA. She already does enough volunteering and made it clear she wouldn't be joining the PTA or helping with their stuff.

This shit has still affected her and now her "friends" have changed their opinion of her.

The OP and her friends have been awful. Staying away from the PTA didnt help this woman; OP has still come after her.

SleepingAgent · 11/07/2022 11:32

I agree OP has been good to come back and take it on the chin - but I agree she needs to speak to mutual friends and explain her revised view - the fact they've been bitching about non-helping friend who doesn't deserve it needs correction.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 11/07/2022 11:34

You've been massively unreasonable and are a shocking friend. I hope your friend reads this and realises it's you.

Even when you say you know you were wrong you still insist her husband should have helped 🙄

mummabubs · 11/07/2022 11:49

WeAreBob · 11/07/2022 10:25

This woman isn't even on the PTA. She already does enough volunteering and made it clear she wouldn't be joining the PTA or helping with their stuff.

This shit has still affected her and now her "friends" have changed their opinion of her.

The OP and her friends have been awful. Staying away from the PTA didnt help this woman; OP has still come after her.

Show quote history

True @WeAreBob.

It's sad in some ways that PTAs get a bit of a bad rep... But then with situations like this is it any wonder?? I actually feel that even if the friend didn't already do lots of other volunteer work it's still massively unreasonable to put your own expectations about volunteering onto other people. She had every right to choose not to be involved in the organisation or running of this event, yet it seems her own will doesn't matter to her own 'friendship' group. I couldn't be friends with people who were so quick to judge.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 11/07/2022 11:57

Now the OP has put her hands up and seen reason, can we tell stories of batshit PTAs?

JustLyra · 11/07/2022 13:47

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 11/07/2022 11:57

Now the OP has put her hands up and seen reason, can we tell stories of batshit PTAs?

Surely it would be more apt to tell stories of horrible friends?

The OP wasn’t bitching with the rest of the PTA - she was bitching with their mutual friends.

Herejustforthisone · 11/07/2022 13:57

Holy fucking shit, I didn’t even grasp that this poor woman wasn’t a member of this godawful PTA.

Sartre · 11/07/2022 13:59

Even really helpful people are allowed to say no sometimes, you know. She sounds like someone with a lot on her plate already and she probably just wanted to enjoy the fair with her child.

Winterfellismyhome · 11/07/2022 14:00

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove id love to read a thread on batshit PTAs :)

UndertheCedartree · 11/07/2022 14:00

It sounds like she is already stretched if she volunteers for everything. I've been that person and sometimes you have to say no to avoid exhaustion and the affect on your mental health.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 11/07/2022 18:00

…and this is why I won’t join the PTA. I’d expect better behaviour from the children tbh

Tessabelle74 · 11/07/2022 18:08

She told you she wouldn't help, and she didn't. YABU

theonlygirl · 11/07/2022 18:24

YABU. After many years of volunteering with school stuff I've come to greatly dislike this attitude. YOU volunteered to be on the PTA, just get on with it. She's under zero obligation to help out regardless of how much other stuff she does. But the fact she does other stuff and you're still having a go beggers belief. Maybe the poor woman wanted a break. Sure these things need volunteers, but this kind of moaning is just off putting. People spend a small fortune at summer fairs, that is supporting.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 11/07/2022 18:27

Winterfellismyhome · 11/07/2022 14:00

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove id love to read a thread on batshit PTAs :)

I went to a 'Meet The PTA' coffee morning at my DC's secondary school with a view to joining. The headteacher was there, poor sod. He didn't get a word in. Nor did anyone else. No matter hard we tried - and we did try - it was just this bloody woman, going on and on and on about her bloody issues with the school and her son for 90 minutes.

At the end, as we were all shuffled out, shell-shocked, I heard her say to the headteacher that she's decided to 'send Dylan private' anyway. What a massive waste of everyone's time.

She was the Chair of the PTA.

Londoncallingme · 11/07/2022 18:27

PTA is voluntary. YABU

marktayloruk · 11/07/2022 18:29

Perhaps she just prefers other causes.

moggerhanger · 11/07/2022 18:32

I volunteer for Scouts and parkrun. This is why I steer clear of PTA. Cliquey and bitchy!

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 11/07/2022 18:37

One of my dad's favourite songs was 'Harper Valley PTA' by Jeannie C Riley - The day my mama socked it to the harper Valley PTA!