Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

[Neverenoughchocolates]

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

Of course you’re being unreasonable. Your friend made her position perfectly clear. At least she came to the event and supported it in that way.
It sounds as if she is busy with other charities and events. Do you help her with any of those? She isn’t on the PTA, so is well within her rights not to help out if she chooses.

This is not her fault at all! You asked, she said no which is perfectly reasonable.
The problem is once you volunteer for one thing people always assume you’ll help for everything and then you get so burnt out you don’t want to do anything for anyone anymore.

Volunteering is voluntary.

I get it that you'd hoped that as a friend to you, she'd help out, but she was under no obligation. You made the choice to volunteer, but it's not reasonable to make that choice for others.

"Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up."

Who raised the subject for discussion? You, by any chance?

School fete politics

reminds me of Motherland

I am glad you’ve taken the YABU comments so well and reflected on the situation. I agree it would be good for you to go back to your friends and say you acted a bit hastily. Also don’t forget these events need people to attend in order to raise the cash. I think your friend probably attended to show her support and contribute in the only way she could. She was open and honest with you - she didn’t let you down or over promise. I hope you all get past this - and perhaps you should consider other ways people could support your events in the future. Asking for advice or ideas (she’s clearly experienced at this type of thing) or a donation for the raffle maybe?

It’s not your friends fault that she cannot fit in the PTA on top of everything else. You should respect your friends answer you asked her and she gave an honest reply. Where were all the others that could have helped. Not everyone has the time to do stuff as today we already do too much and we are already overwhelmed and over burdened. Your friend has her children and by the sounds of it a heavy work load too. If she helped once she would be expected to help more. Please don’t make your friend feel bad because it’s not personal the poor woman is probably running herself ragged. Try putting yourself in her shoes you must respect her answer and remember no means no. I used to help out at schools and once they have someone to help it’s an expectation each and every time. Your friend probably felt guilty so next time get plenty of others who can step in. It’s a thankless and stressful job is the PTA so I admire you helping out. Maybe you can have a coffee morning to recruit new members. I wish you all the very best for the next event and hope you have more help next time.

You are being very unreasonable! You said yourself she does loads of things why do you think you can decide she needs to give time to the pta? You are well out of order. Her time, her choice just like you.

You are being unfair but i wonder if there is another reason on this particular event she refused?

Is there a bludger on board? We have one in a local group who starts the ball rolling as far as ideas and setting up dates, but come close to the actual date is always away and leaves the physical work to others. She has since been awarded Govt recognition for her efforts!

it’s all but destroyed our group and she has scaled up her efforts to a national level.

YABU!

Ptazilla!

So glad my offspring are past school age. Volunteered for so many things. Most of which I wish I hadn’t done.

"Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally."

Which one of those things did you think she should give up in order to help out the pta?

I'm glad you've reflected on it because I think she gives enough of her time for the local community. Maybe even more than you do?

I hope you apologize to her for your attitude, and that you go back to your mutual friends cap in hand telling them you were being foolish.

No wonder people are too scared to say No.

Jesus Christ. You have this one very wrong.

I read that as "Pratzilla"

😂

I used to organise our school discos and helped out with the summer fair. It was always the same group who did the bulk of the work. I had a few friends who didn't work who could easily have helped out, but they chose not to. Did I resent it? Nope. How people choose to spend their time is their business. If these same people started complaining about how these events were run or decorated, I might suggest next time they help.

You took on the job.she clearly said no.
You are upset she didn't help you.
You don't respect her do you?

Just because you are a friend and asked…why assume she has to say yes? From what you said she was very clear she wasn’t getting involved in this specific activity and wouldn’t join the PTA….so she was absolutely clear with you. You say she does lots in the community….do you help her with all these things she is involved with? You are being unreasonable…she does enough….and if others judge her on her not doing this one thing…it says more about them than her.

From YOUR point of view, you are not being unreasonable: you needed help and she didn’t help. She could have made room in her busy schedule for a couple of hours for you, but she didn’t.
From Her point of view, I suppose she felt too busy to help you, but you are certainly entitled to feel a friend would have helped you, and she didn’t, so the friendship suffers.
We are all entitled to make our own rules for who are friends are. Maybe in time you can forgive her and you can be friends again, but neither she nor anybody else has the right to complain that you don’t feel friendly towards her any more. She didn’t come through when you needed help: it really was her choice that friendship with you wasn’t as important as everything else in her busy life.

Go with what you really feel: that’s the only way to have honest relationships with people anyway.

YABU - it’s her choice. It’s also not “helping you out” it’s not your PTA?! she sounds busy and sounds like she has set good boundaries.

That's why I quit the PTA. A parent who had never been involved volunteered to chair, thinking it was a figurehead position. I ended up doing everything they didn't then ended up chairing when I said I wouldn't as I'd already reopened the local Rainbows. Getting people to volunteer was a nightmare. The same half dozen of us did everything. The fete is the worst. I ended up getting kids that had left back to help with stalls. When I stepped down as chair I left completely. Though as I'm a mug I've returned. I've thought that people will help because they are my friends and they haven't. It's their decision.

Totally 😂

If someone tells you they are not volunteering for something, then take them at their word and leave your expectations at the gate. She obviously had good reasons not to be involved. It could be that because she is a busy women, everyone expects, her to add just one more job to the list! Which it sounds like you are trying to do. There must be other parents you can rope in, otherwise cancel the fair and that usually gives people the wake up call they need re hoping out. Has always worked for me. If I don't have a team of 10 volunteers for such a day, it doesn't happen. The next year, folks volunteer because they missed the event taking place or they missed the money the event brought in. In other places I volunteer, I refuse to take part in work teams for events because I already do 2 locally. Possibly the same for this woman. Stop judging her!!

You see, this is why people get overcommitted. We are encouraged to prioritise, to make time for ourselves and to have the courage to say no. Then people come back with this sort of attitude. You volunteered to do what you did, she does a lot already. She decided she wanted to prioritise spending time with one of her children, and presumably spent some money when she could have gone elsewhere.
Your stance seems incredibly entitled to be me.