Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

[Neverenoughchocolates]

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

Who needs the patriarchy when women are prepared to police & socially shame other women like this?

Your friend already does a lot of volunteering. More than you do in fact.
She didn't muck you about - she had 2 clear boundaries, & stated them clearly - she doesn't do PTA, & she would not volunteer for your event.

Who the fuck do you think you are, demanding free labour, & bitching about women when they don't dance to your tune?
It's not volunteering if it's coerced - & that's exactly what you are doing. Not content with exerting social pressure, you have slagged your 'friend' off to others, & are now looking to justify your nastiness here.

Let a grown woman make her own decisions about what to do with her time, & respect them.
And as PP rightfully observe - when did you last help HER with her own voluntary work? (Cue dripfreed about all the imaginary hours you've given her ...)

To be honest @bluesapphire48 it doesn't matter if the friend said she wanted to spend the afternoon painting her nails and drinking wine. It's a PTA fair, not a trip to A&E or a 'can you pick me up the car's broken down' type of call - it's manning a 'whack a mole' type of stall. Hardly a matter of life and death.

And the friend had already said she wasn't joining the PTA as she had enough to do. I think, in those circumstances, it was pressurising to even ask.

So maybe the friend will 'finally forgive' the bad mouthing she seems to get and accept the apology for all the gossip. After all, friendship works both ways and gossiping without confronting a friend is, quite frankly, bitchy.

A couple of people on this board have replied to my comment about the OP being refused when she asked a friend to help out by calling me "bitchy," and a "user."

I didn't call this person or the friend any names. Certainly the friend has a right to say she's too busy, just like the OP has a right to say that it's humiliating to ask for help and be refused. But I didn't call either of them names.

Name-calling belongs in that category my mum warned me about: "Be careful when you point a finger: remember YOU'RE POINTING THREE BACK AT YOURSELF."

Boundaries work both ways, and the OP has a right to set boundaries on her friendship. That's all I was saying, and if people want to blow it up into a big mess, they need to find something better to do with their time IMHO.

“Name-calling belongs in that category my mum warned me about: "Be careful when you point a finger: remember YOU'RE POINTING THREE BACK AT YOURSELF."”

eh?

Well credit to you op for taking the feedback you've been given. I hope your friendship survived the bump. But blooming heck you were feeling entitled here weren't you!

@StephPlum She probably can’t recall how she was feeling since the thread is 1 and a half years old 😄

Oops 😆hadn't realised quite how old it was! Was linked in a news post on social media

YABU.

This friend isn't a member of the school PTA, so why should she help out? It's no business of hers. Plus she did turn up to support the event. 45 minutes at a school fete IS support.