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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 10/07/2022 15:15

I think if she does other stuff she knows fine well it wouldn’t end with the summer fair. It would be “just” an hour here and there and that would build up.

Shes been very clear she’s not joining the PTA so you’re being very unfair thinking just because she’s your friend she should have helped. She’s no more let you down than all the other parents who didn’t help.

Youaremysunshine14 · 10/07/2022 15:16

You're being massively U. She told you she had too many other commitments and didn't want to add the PTA to it and it's not her fault you ran yourself ragged – you chose to step up for it, she didn't. And now you've gone behind her back slagging off her lack of help to other parents. Some friend you are.

PeasInOurTime · 10/07/2022 15:17

I could be your friend - I volunteer with both Scouts and Guides and with a local sports club. So on the face of it I volunteer for loads.

I also work full time and am trying to help my 80yo parent move out of the family home and have my own children. ‘Just’ giving a couple of hours to be the PTA would be the thing that broke me.

FionnulaTheCooler · 10/07/2022 15:17

YABU. She's allowed to choose how she spends her spare time and it does sound like she already has a lot on. Good for her for having the ability to not be a doormat and say no when something is too much of an ask for her.

MoonShadowMoonShadow · 10/07/2022 15:17

Wow. You're no friend to her at all.

She does other stuff voluntarily and you're sagging her off?

Nasty

Glitterspy · 10/07/2022 15:18

YABU. She does enough. She’s drawn a perfectly reasonable boundary and explained her rationale. From the sounds of it you have not only been offended by her perfectly reasonable behaviour but have gone around bitching to everyone else about it and gathering opinions to take sides against her. With friends like you, who needs bitchy playground mums/ enemies?

LittlestBaoBun · 10/07/2022 15:18

She's been clear she's got enough going on already. I'm a volunteer and do three lots of what it is I run, per week. In theory I could help someone organise something else, but I'm very much at my limit. The fact she didn't stay long, is possibly because she's exhausted, it's that time of year. She might have things going on you don't know about. It would be lovely if they'd all helped, but they're within their rights to say no.

JustLyra · 10/07/2022 15:21

Out of curiosity, did all your other friends who’ve changed their opinion and think it’s “shocking” help out?

anon2022anon · 10/07/2022 15:21

How many times have you offered to go help her out at what she organises and volunteers at?

LubaLuca · 10/07/2022 15:23

She can't do everything, and neither should anyone expect her to. She wanted to spend only 45 minutes at the fair enjoying it with her own child, which is perfectly understandable. Sometimes even really helpful people don't want to do something.

Sapphirejane · 10/07/2022 15:23

Is this a reverse?

Your friend does more than her fair share of civic duty and can dictate how she spends her leisure time. Maybe you need to step away from the PTA.

Hankunamatata · 10/07/2022 15:23

She has already made it clear to you she doesnt want to do pta or responsibilities. So yabu

Its simple you dont run events if you dont have enough helpers. Cancel and put up big sign saying due to lack of volunteers every time

Unanananana · 10/07/2022 15:23

Typical cliquey PTA nastiness Organising stuff off your own backs then bitching when others don't help. I'd rather give a regular donation to a school than put up with that sort of snobby attitude.

She has set a healthy and sensible boundary. She said she wouldn't join, so you can't complain when she doesn't help. If you've taken on too much, scale it back or look to the other PTA members to help.

Some friends she has.

TimBoothseyes · 10/07/2022 15:25

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally

And how often have you helped her with these events?

picklemewalnuts · 10/07/2022 15:25

She prioritises volunteering for other things.

If she volunteers regularly, then she has barely anytime available to spend as she wishes.

If you volunteer occasionally, you have lots of time to spend as you wish.

Aksbdt · 10/07/2022 15:25

I think you’re taking it personally; it wasn’t that she didn’t want to help you but it was that she didn’t want to help the PTA, it’s not her fault that she’s friends with someone who does take part.
Theres a lovely mum at school who id happily be friends with but I’ve noticed that she drags all her friends in to help with the pta and guilts them over it so I’m avoiding her now; do you really want to be that person

Heroicallyl0st · 10/07/2022 15:26

You said yourself she literally volunteers for everything. What makes you think she’s got inexhaustible energy to always help with just one more thing? It was your choice to run yourself ragged - are you jealous of her ability to set her limits?

whatstheteamarie · 10/07/2022 15:26

Don't blame her, blame the 95% of people who never volunteer for anything.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/07/2022 15:27

Can you clarify OP. I read your post as being DF is on the PTA, but not helped with the event. Others are saying she isn't on the PTA. My answer depends on this point...

Chikapu · 10/07/2022 15:27

Presumably, no one forced you to arrange it? Stop being a bloody martyr and expecting your friends to help you out.

Mally100 · 10/07/2022 15:27

Wow who made you the keeper of everyone's time. Grow up. Stop being a martyr, just because you choose to do this doesn't mean all your friends need to be roped in.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/07/2022 15:28

Seems at the moment it’s just you that thinks she is being unreasonable. A very rare 💯 of voters side with her.

I’ve been your mate. It did get back to me that some of the pta and my so called mate where slagging me off. They couldn’t explain where I could spare this time considering I was a single parent of 4, two with sen one of which would have been overwhelmed by the fair, working full time, studying and doing some volunteer work as well as on the committee for a local special needs charity.

The pta I couldnt commit to were very inclusive 😂 and held most things during the working week hours.

RainCoffeeBook · 10/07/2022 15:29

A timely reminder why no one should join the PTA - dealing with nutters who see it as their whole life and wow betide anyone who doesn't agree.

Itswaytoohot · 10/07/2022 15:29

You are being so unreasonable that I'm unsure if I've read this correctly.

Your friend has made it quite clear that she doesn't want to volunteer for the PTA and feels that she has got enough going on. She's made that crystal clear.

I never understand why some people volunteer for things, then moan and complain that other people won't help and that they're run ragged with too much to do. It's being a martyr.

ladygindiva · 10/07/2022 15:29

To be brutally honest you are being vvvvvv unreasonable and sound like a nightmare.