Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

[Neverenoughchocolates]

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

You sound just as unreasonable as one of those people who say "But you just paid for an expensive vacation for yourself so you should also pay for my rent".

Your friend is lovely and helps out a lot and now she has no more time to give.

If you need more volunteers, I will explain why I don’t volunteer and maybe it will help. I have a disability that means I can’t do some jobs or really most jobs that are going to be high public contact. The volunteer requests are almost always very vague, like help out for an hour. Any time a request comes out for something that can be done at home that doesn’t involve heavy lifting or any allergens so I know it is safe for me, I volunteer immediately. I love being able to help out. I’m great with computer admin, folding, sorting, prepping crafts, making signs, and all sorts of things of that type. I know that doesn’t help on the day of the event, but I can still help with the prep work, but those options are rare.

i know I’m not the only person who doesn’t volunteer because they are worried about being given a job they just can’t physically handle.

When my children were small I would volunteer for ptas (both primary and secondary), brownies and guides and now U3a and ramblers as I am retired. I always limit what I put my hand up for though as probably does your friend who obviously does volunteer for some things just not the same as you. Even if her children do go to the school I would hazard a guess that 99% of the other parents did not help either so YABU. Most of us have limited time so setting boundaries is important if you do not want to be continually stressed. Maybe a conversation needs to be had with the other pta members as to what events are put on if you have limited help. The fact you were run ragged is not your friends fault though and I think the others were bitchy if they moaned only about her and not the probably 100s of other parents who did not help.

She already does stuff why should she do more? Everyone has different things which are important to them.

Yabvu. You say she already does lots, perhaps she needed a break for once. If I was your friend and caught wind of you grumbling to other mutual friends I wouldn't be happy.

Sounds like your friends generosity with volunteering has led her to be taken advantage of like you were trying to do.

Let me get this straight, so your opinion is that because YOU chose to organise something, your ‘friend’ should give up what little free time she has to suffer along with you?
You’re not a very nice friend really are you.

My life is similar in terms of massive drains on my time...

That 'just' 2 or 3 hours could be the absolute only time I have off this fortnight to myself... To do essentials... (nice swim/urgent clothes shopping or seeing neglected friends). I would be upset if a friend pressurised me to help.

Well done for recognising you've been unreasonable, hopefully it helps to realise it's not personal at all!

Volunteering is such a slippery slope, it's so easy to get sucked in to more and more because of all the people who won't do anything (and moan about what is done). Unfortunately PTA seems to be one of the worst, probably because you see the many moany non helpers every day. My favourite is the 'someone should' comments. I want to shake them and suggest that as 'someone' yes they bloody well should....

Not a completely unanimous but nearly at 99 percent.as close as it gets. Shame mumsnet don’t do percentage points

i wonder if the op will come back. Then Right it with the women she bitched to about this woman, so they don’t look at her different, or if she will just hide and not fix it as this is who she is. And quite frankly that’s why she’s on the pta, because she gets to do this to people.

hopefully it’s the former as she’s kids.and should be teaching them about anti bullying, inclusiveness, kindness, boundaries etc.

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help

🤢 Eugh you are one of those pta mums. How much did you love talking to the others about this.

You seriously need to get over yourself.

What about all the other parents that never do anything to help. Either in school or any other origination? Could school not have sent a letter out asking for helper's. Or is it just PTA members allowed to help out?

What about all the other parents who do nothing, turn up, wander round and then go?

It's voluntary. She didn't want to do it. Don't see what the problem is

There is never time for helpers to go round different stalls and spend money, which is after all the purpose of school summer fairs. So wafters do have a purpose, they waft in and waft around and spend cash. If you need more help rope in sensible year six children to run a couple of stalls.

She did support the fair - by coming along and buying stuff, spending money on the stalls etc.
It's no good having a PTA fair full of helpers and nobody coming along to spend money.

It is down to people like you OP that I no longer volunteer. I used to do loads. I was not expecting thanks, but I was also not expecting criticism for not doing all the things other people wanted.

I never volunteered at school things.
There were a lot of children at the school whose parents could have helped, and the money raised was for 'extras' rather than essentials.
School can also raise loads of money by asking each child to donate £1 and wear a jumper.
School also probably wastes money on random things- their budgets are huge, although under a lot of pressure.

Smaller charities run on pennies in comparison. There are often few people able or willing to volunteer and their work stops if they don't have volunteers. Think of scouts, for example.

You've decided your charity- the PTA- is more deserving than her charity. You might not be right.

I think YABU. I didn't want to even attend school fairs, I did so because I felt obliged. I helped as well, because I felt forced. I was permanently exhausted and needed a bloody break.

Sounds like she has enough on her plate, has advised you of this. She turned up, 45 minutes is plenty of time to spend at a fair, I bet she contributed like any other parent attending by buying stuff/taking part in things. Just because you chose the PTA as your priority doesn’t mean that anyone else should. I can 100% understand why she is picky on what and who she volunteers with based off this post!

"Those of us who join the pta do so because we want to be proactive in organising/funding nice things for the kids. Most parents do want that - some commit a little, some commit alot and some put their heads down and hope others will keep on slogging for the benefit of the many. Everyone has different lives and availability but where we are - it's the same people that volunteer for everything. I'm not saying that's the case here, I can only speak from my experience. And sadly, people that do everything end up burning out and nothing good gets organised so everyone loses out. 🤷 Many hands make light work"

This shit makes me rage. When my kids were at a village primary, I worked full time but shifts - think 12 hour day/night shifts with a 90 - 120 minute commute. I never, EVER said I would join the PTA. I was already a school governor and committed to another volunteering role within my home town (I lived in the nearest town to the village.) The pressure to help out at every fucking school event was insane. Because - apparently - I did not work full time as I had days off in the week. I was sleeping during those days off... not one of the PTA Gestapo (yes I called them that) seemed to realise that if I worked overnight and managed to get to bed at 1100, I would not be available to chat about the fucking summer fair/Christmas fair etc in the afternoon. And I was not a member of the PTA - I just used to help out sometimes.

Not ONE of the mums on the PTA worked at all, let alone full time. The same people volunteered every time because the same people had fuck all else to do. The bitchiness was off the scale. The backstabbing was tiresome and actually damaging to their children.

Maybe, just maybe, the people who "keep their heads down" are really, really busy. And the PTA is way, WAY down on their list of priorities. Sometimes PTA's are a cesspit and the best way really is to steer well clear.

And also...

You are no friend. If you were a friend you would not have bitched behind her back. Did that really make you feel good? In all honesty, it sounds like you are a bit jealous of her and her amazing work within the community. It appears she is really appreciated. To get to where she is, maybe look outside the school for projects to enhance your community and make a real difference.

You need to apologise to her and your other friends and take a long, hard look at why you posted this.

YABU. Your friend set her boundaries and you want to trample all over them. It is up to her whether she helps at PTA events and whether she volunteers elsewhere or not it doesn’t matter - if she doesn’t want to do it she doesn’t have to do it and nobody should guilt her into doing it or slag her off behind her back to other school parents for not helping. Get a grip.

This shit seems to go along with volunteering.

I bet they all bitch about you behind your back too op. 😁

Surely she's allowed not to help even if she volunteered for nothing else?