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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/07/2022 15:29

YABVU.
How often do you help out at her events?

2pinkginsplease · 10/07/2022 15:29

You choose to be on the PTA she doesn’t. We all have the right to make our own choices,

I chose to be in the primary school PTA, I chose not to be on the high school one as it was far too much commitment for me.

TeenDivided · 10/07/2022 15:29

I was a PTA committee member for around 10 years.
You need to organise what you can resource. You can't force people to volunteer, especially when they have been clear they won't.
If you can't resource something you have to downscale.

TolkiensFallow · 10/07/2022 15:29

Completely unfair. You chose to be on the pta, she didn’t. She does other stuff and she supported the school fayre by attending and probably spending some money.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 10/07/2022 15:29

I'm torn, as I don't think manning a stand for an hour counts as joining the PTA and it would have meant a lot to you as a friend.

I do loads of volunteering away from school (and volunteer at an after school club) so purposely have resisted joining PTA as don't have the time, but helping out at the events that someone else organised is hardly taxing, and would have a been a supportive thing to do.

Takingthepmaybe · 10/07/2022 15:30

Are you also annoyed her husband didn’t help??

girlmom21 · 10/07/2022 15:30

Also, you said she walked around for 45 minutes then 'just left'. What was she expected to do? Set up a microphone and loudly and publicly applaud you for setting up a school fete?

ladygindiva · 10/07/2022 15:30

And this post illustrates why in 20 years of having kids in primary school I've given the PTA a wide berth.

Toddlerteaplease · 10/07/2022 15:31

When you volunteer for everything, it's lovely to not be involved in some things!

Noticingb · 10/07/2022 15:31

Changed your opinion of her?!?! 😂😂
she didn’t give a shit about the event
she helps with the events she cares about
you help with the events you care about.

are you upset with her husband too or just her?

do you help with all her events?

you chose to do the event you chose to be on the pta
suck it up or leave.

MadMadMadamMim · 10/07/2022 15:31

It's 100% you who are unreasonable.

She was very clear that she would not be joining the PTA as she has too many other commitments. Why you would then expect her to help run a PTA event?

Saying she could manage a few hours for me is ridiculously entitled. She made it abundantly clear that she does enough for others and wasn't taking on any more.

I think she did fine to wander round and presumably spend a bit of money at the stalls. I wouldn't have felt obliged to do that.

NotaCoolMum · 10/07/2022 15:31

This type of post is EXACTLY why I refused to join the PTA 😁

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/07/2022 15:32

And no doubt is she went against her own boundaries this time and given in she would have been guilt tripped the next time.

“But you said last time you didn’t have time but helped in the end. Why not this time?”

rookiemere · 10/07/2022 15:33

YABU
I had this pressure when I was secretary on the scouts committee. Sometimes it's nice to actually just go to the fair, rather than help on it.

BaronessBomburst · 10/07/2022 15:34

You are being massively unreasonable.
You can't expect people to take on extra commitments just because their friends have chosen to.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/07/2022 15:34

girlmom21 · 10/07/2022 15:30

Also, you said she walked around for 45 minutes then 'just left'. What was she expected to do? Set up a microphone and loudly and publicly applaud you for setting up a school fete?

😂 😂 😂 probably. And probably wanted an after party thrown by the very sensible woman

Gazelda · 10/07/2022 15:34

So she does loads for the community. As does her DH.

Maybe she's promised her DC that she'll be their mum at school events, putting them first, rather than letting them see her helping out while they wander around the fair on their own.

That's not to say that you and other PTA helpers don't put your children first. But if this is your only voluntary sideline you probably tell your DC that you do it for the school and that they (DC) benefit as a result. The rest of the time they have your full attention.

She may be doing it the other way around - she does lots for the community, but school activities are ringfenced as family time.

Give her some slack. She sounds like a generous person who's been straight up honest about this particular boundary.

Floella22 · 10/07/2022 15:37

I helped on our PTA years ago.
That was my choice.
However if government funded education properly then there wouldn’t have to be a PTA so I don’t think it’s fair to complain.
Perhaps the fines for holidays in term time could be put into school coffers and no one would have to help with anything.
And if you’re using any of the money for essential equipment then your enabling government to underfund,

Original poster
Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:37

Oh wow. OK. I did ask 😳

Reading all your comments makes me feel awful. I guess I did get a bit sucked into the stress of it all.

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall. I suppose I did feel her husband could have chipped in too.

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different as the fair benefits all of our children, including hers.

I see the other side of it now though so thanks for your comments

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/07/2022 15:37

I want to know also how many events you help your friend out with

Although there are a few sentences in there that make me think this is a reverse and those are extra irritating.

Oohehoohahhahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 10/07/2022 15:38

Was this a Spanish fiesta by any chance 🙃.

1FootInTheRave · 10/07/2022 15:38

You are totally unreasonable and have been horrible about her.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/07/2022 15:40

I'm torn, as I don't think manning a stand for an hour counts as joining the PTA and it would have meant a lot to you as a friend.

But it’s rarely “just an hour” - the sort of people who demand others run around at their convenience and have unreasonable expectations also expect you to be there well in advance and will almost inevitably find other things for you to “help” with, both before and after your allotted slot. Once you’re there they don’t let you go. And that’s past experience talking there.

HintofVintagePink · 10/07/2022 15:42

You’ve been awful to her OP. You are exactly why I avoid our PTA. Nothing ever good enough and they take a mile if you offer an inch. I gave 2 hours this week to tidy up after our school fair and got huffed at by the head of the PTA for stacking baskets back in the wrong order.

You’ve given yourself too much to do with the resources you you have. That’s not her fault.

Chikapu · 10/07/2022 15:42

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different
Of course it's not different 🙄it is quite literally the definition of the same thing.