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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
SleepingAgent · 12/07/2022 16:31

@bluesapphire48 you are literally the only person I can remember on this thread that is judging the friendship because of this. Maybe have a read and a think - you're very wrong to say the friendship should be judged on this. She set her boundaries and was clear. You sound like a User.

Devora13 · 12/07/2022 21:47

@SleepingAgent I can't quite work out whether Blue Sapphire's comment was tongue in cheek. Unfortunately, I fear not. She makes it sound as though the friend was being asked to put the OP after her house had burned down and flatly refused, or some such crisis.

HopeItzNothing · 12/07/2022 23:38

She's got a life.
Her causes are probably worthy ones.

Idontknowwhattothink · 13/07/2022 00:05

Your friends think she's shocking? You all seriously need to get a life.

Banoffe · 13/07/2022 05:46

Your being ridiculous. Just because she volunteers a lot for other causes does not mean your entitled to her help. An hour here or there can easily turn into a larger commitment.

Good for her for saying no and sticking to it. I feel bad for her, that her friends are gossiping about her when it sounds like she does a lot already.

WeWereNotOnABreak · 13/07/2022 05:55

You and your little gang need to stop talking about her behind her back and turning on her and appreciate that she does enough and deserves the 45 minutes she had spare to wander around, do nothing and then leave to go wherever she wants and relax.
She may have spent longer there if the atmosphere wasn’t so awkward too, by the way…
You and others like you are the reason I won’t join the PTA at my son’s school - because it is exactly like movies and tv shows depict it to be; bitchy, cliquey and competitive nonsense.

creamwitheverything · 13/07/2022 06:32

I am so sorry OP ...so sorry you and your friends are judging this lady.You and your attitude is why I never did join the PTA! How dare you sit in judgement of this lady who if I may add said a crystal clear no,She did not let you down she told you straight from the outset she was unwilling to commit her time to help.I it is not compulsory and she had every right to turn up to any event of her choosing. You chose to do this she did not and yet she is painted as the bad one..it stinks frankly,I shiudder literally shudder when I get a phone call from one of the patronizing ,perfect mommies who think everyone is failing for not being like them.Again how dare you and your covern sit in judgement of this lady? Unreasonable is much too weak a word for how you are all being,I would suggest martyr,gossip,backstabbing more appropriate terms.I have read some crap on here over the years but this takes the biscuit. Most PTA do not hold their place for the benefit of the kids in school they do it for psudo status it gives them and most right minded parents do not need this status to feel important.Ask me for 20 quid every week for school and you can have it gladly anything rather than mix and mingle with the martyrs....

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 13/07/2022 06:40

She’s your friend not your worker, why do you believe you have a right to her time?

YOU volunteered YOUR time to be in the PTO she did it.

how or what she chooses to spend her time is nothing to do with you, you're not her friend and I’d suggest you stop bitching about her behind her back which will alienate/cause negativity within her friendship group !!!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 13/07/2022 06:40

**Did not

groovergirl · 13/07/2022 06:44

Don't be hard on your friend, OP. She has been honest about what she can and can't do, and this time she could not help you.

Having worked on school events, I have wondered why the school did not call in former students to help. My teenage DD and her friends have expressed a wish to help organise and run stalls. They'd be great at it, so I'm currently negotiating with their old primary school to contact former students and allow them to stay involved. DD and friends want to do it for the fun of going back to their old school, but also for valuable experience to put on their CVs when they apply for holiday jobs. They don't get any opportunities like this at high school.

Please do think about former students for the next fair, OP.

Another thing -- you're clearly well versed in this, so if you make a list of tasks that need doing, I bet there will be people who can jump in to help. Do you need someone to organise the queue at a ride (good job for a teenager), sort kids' clothes into sizes, promote a vintage homewares stall, arrange a First Aid tent, design a poster, do social media? There will be people in your school population who can do all these things, so winkle them out and lavish some love on them.

OrdinaryGirl · 13/07/2022 07:28

I’ve not RTFT but the post definitely reads like a reverse 🙃

MsTSwift · 13/07/2022 07:35

Shame covid didn’t put paid to these events for good.

op you need to step back and see the bigger picture. In my friendship group some of us did a huge amount for the school some absolutely nothing. All fine. Though it was quite funny when my friend who did absolutely nothing (and never volunteers or does anything whatsoever for the community) wondered aloud why she didn’t get thanked in the leavers assembly for her final child 😁.

Richconstance · 13/07/2022 08:14

I couldn't agree more! I've only just realised after this thread that our school hasn't had a summer fayre this year.

Couldn't care less either way. I HATE people that volunteer for things and want absolute adoration from all, and we must "bend the knee" and do as they say. Just don't do it!!!

Do eff off!

OP - you are being really unkind. Please stop it and think nice thoughts! You never know what other people are dealing with. Although this shouldn't matter. Always be kind where you can 👍

Ps what the hell is a reverse please? 😂

KnittingNeedles · 13/07/2022 08:25

As a former PTA chair and serial volunteer I really feel your pain. It's so hard organising these events with little support.

However I think you are directing your anger at the wrong people. The PTA people have already done their bit. It's all the rest of the parents who won't give up your time who are the frustrating ones. It's always the same, out of a school of 500 kids, it's 20 parents who step up.

What worked for us was having a list of standalone jobs people could be tasked with and do from home. Things like putting together a list of companies to contact for raffle tickets, emailing about raffle tickets, shopping around to get the best deal on ice cream/burgers or something, dealing with the Council over the let for the school building, organising the liquor licence if required, contacting the local paper to get coverage, graphic design on the leaflets. People were more likely to step forward and agree to complete one concrete task rather than responding to a plea for "volunteers".

Highfivemum · 13/07/2022 08:27

. YABU To expect others to help. Your choice to help. Her choice to not to help. Don’t moan afterwards. Having 6 DC I have done my fair share and now choose to not be part of PTA .I was slatted once for not helping with an event and at the time I was 3 months pregnant ( unannounced) and feeling so sick. No one should be pestered to help. No one walks in each other’s shoes.
carry on helping if you wish to but allow others the choice too.

Richconstance · 13/07/2022 08:35

Good for you OP for taking it on the chin, well done 👍

Ps, sack the PTA and use that time to do something you enjoy, sounds a thankless task 😉 😂

QuizzlyBear · 13/07/2022 10:06

This is exactly why I didn't join the PTA when mine were young. If I thought it'd be a fun way to plan and run activities as a group, I'd have been up for it, but the pressure to do stuff was immense and people were actively shamed for not doing enough.

I'd rather just give £20 each term and have done with the lot of it.

MsTSwift · 13/07/2022 10:10

Everyone says that but no one ever actually does!

Pads13 · 13/07/2022 10:14

Unreasonable I’m afraid. Exactly why I didn’t get involved with PTA etc. it’s everyone’s choice.if they have too much on or can’t or don’t want to for any reason they do not have to justify their reasoning.

jodes828 · 13/07/2022 17:47

There are so many layers to this discussion. As someone who is on our school board, runs 2 PTA committees and the President of our local Civic Association, and former President of our local Women's Club, you are so unreasonable it hurts. If you would have said your friend never volunteers for anything, the conversation would be going a different way. But you mentioned she is involved with several other volunteer opportunities. She is volunteering her time with other worthwhile things that benefit the community in other ways. As others have mentioned, she showed her support by attending. Isn't that the point of the event? To get people to show up? Your friend deserves to be able to enjoy attending events with her family, and also have some autonomy over how she spends her free time. It is so unbelievably crappy of you, her "friend" to complain about someone who contributes to the community in so many ways. You have zero buy-in on what she does with her time. Also, when I started my long list of volunteering, I complained to a lady that had been a lifelong volunteer that no one else wanted to help. She told me that no matter where you go and what organization you are with, the same few people are doing most of the work. That was about 7 years ago, and she was absolutely right. It sounds like you are overwhelmed with your responsibilities. If you can't handle them, don't take them on. It's not fair to the organization and to others who are volunteering along side you.

ImAvingOops · 13/07/2022 18:18

Have you spoken to your friends on the PTA yet and tried to put this right? Because you owe her that.

MandieM · 14/07/2022 03:22

Are you saying only those who volunteer should be able to attend?

By that logic why even both with the fair, you would only have 5 visitors.

HappyDays40 · 14/07/2022 04:56

It's attitudes like this why I would never want to join the PTA. She probably feels she has done enough.

clpsmum · 15/07/2022 10:02

You've hit the news OP!