Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

[Neverenoughchocolates]

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

Do you harass people who don't volunteer for other voluntary posts in your town? Lifeboats, scouts, charity shops, whatever? Imo guilt tripping like this always seems to be reserved for the PTA. And also for mums. Dads mostly get away with not making it their priority.

Good for her for having boundaries.

I'm glad you've seen the other side of it now because I really do feel you were being unfair here and I was quite shocked reading your post.

I have a lot going on in my life and a lot of commitments. I've also been sucked into helping at things I don't have the capacity for and it's awful.

I'm trying to get better at saying no. I decide what my limits are, not other people. And I think you are incredibly unfair and short sighted to not see it this way with your friend.

What about the other hundreds of parents that didn’t volunteer? Are you angry at them too?

just do what you can do, stay in your own lane.

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall. I suppose I did feel her husband could have chipped in too.

I don't understand why she (and to a lesser extent, her husband) are being singled outed for criticism among you and your friends, some of whom are "shocked" (WTF) by her non-participation. As opposed to any other parents who aren't members of the PTA?

Why do you think its her JOB to VOLUNTEER... do you see how stupid that is, the words mean opposit things.

She told you she wasn't interested, you can't force her to do unpaid labor.

The PTA do what they want to do - they derive personal satisfaction from all this volunteering. No one expects you to do it, or would miss it if you didn't - in fact it might result in the government having to fund schools properly if you stepped back a bit!
No one owes you their time and no one is obliged to do the things that you consider important but which they might not.

Your friend was honest and upfront. She didn't promise you anything and then not bother. She was clear. And you have completely disrespected her because you think that your wants are paramount.

You need to put this right because the things you've said when you've been bitching will unfairly affect her relationships with other people at the school.

Nah, your friend is fine. You are the mean one. I bet the friends who are seeing her differently do not give a toss they just wanted to shut you up. She probably is giving her hours to the people that need her most.

I feel like this could be a reverse.

Ypu say yourself your friend volunteers and helps with a variety of other charities and events. It’s completely reasonable for her to choose which charities she feels are the most worthy of her time. And let’s be honest, generally money raised by PTA events isn’t used for the most valuable of causes. An end of year party or some new games for the playground. Lovely for the children but pretty unimportant in the wider scheme of charitable giving and fundraising and without much long term sustainability. She might find her time is better spent raising money for medical research, improving community facilities, raising aid for refugees, funding hospice care etc, you don’t say what the organisations she usually volunteers for are but if they are doing something with a significant impact on peoples lives, health or wellbeing then in comparison to her regular charitable work the PTA may feel rather trivial and not something she wants to put a lot of time and effort into supporting.

I'm confused as to why you thought that she was at all obligated to help out just because she is your friend? I (along with 2 others) run a toddler group, should I get pissed off at my friends who won't commit at helping at every group?

You sound a bit like the guy at the last scouts cake sale I went to help out at. i turned up for the early morning slot on a Saturday with cakes only to be told off because they weren't home made (it did say in the email that shop bought were fine 🙄)

Give an inch, take a mile and all that...

I'm trying to set up a PTA at my son's SN secondary school.

I am 100% clear that nobody should feel pressured to help out.

It is the right stage in my life for this sort of caper. I have the mental energy for it, whereas I really couldn't have done anything like this a few years ago.

I'm lousy at spotting reverses, but yep. Could be one.

^this.

The bitchy PTA clique is a well know stereotype for a reason ... you owe her an apology for bitching behind her back.

The bitchy PTA clique

The OP wasn’t bitching with the PTA clique - she was bitching with their mutual friends.

Thats way worse imo.

Thanks everyone.

Sorry I haven't been replying. Definitely realise I was in the wrong and feeling a bit sheepish...

At least you have the good grace to come back to the thread and say that.
That’s much more than a lot of people would do.

Genuinely applaud you for not getting defensive and biting back

At least you have the good grace to come back to the thread and say that. That’s much more than a lot of people would do. Genuinely applaud you for not getting defensive and biting back

I agree. Well taken, OP. It's refreshing on MN generally, and so rare on AIBU.

Hope you get your friendship back on track.

'Help out on a stall for an hour'

Get there and have to set up on your own for 45 minutes, nobody turns up to take over, so you're there all day, nobody brings you a drink, other parents are dickheads and you're either in full blazing sun with sunburn and heatstroke or you're stuck in the canteen doing the teas with heatstroke and then end up mopping the sodding floor before leaving with a 'could you just stay five minutes and help with litter picking?' Whilst everybody else fucks off.

Bollocks to that.

Never join the PTA! Always attracts this type of competitive volunteering.
I love secondary. It's only the die hard who continue to be involved with PTA at secondary and parents can retreat to their jobs and homes and social lives which is where they belong.

Plus, all this knicker twisting is always about mums. What about these dads/ other second parents that never volunteer? No. Thought not.

Honestly I would save your ire for the people who volunteer for nothing and attend everything not at a person who already does loads for the community.

Fair enough. Hope you sleep ok - it's good that you came back and said this. You sound like a really decent person actually.

Don't take too much on with the PTA btw - it can be a mug's game.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

Friends A and B are the two on the PTA.
Friend C is not on the PTA but put in hours of time to help.
Friend D is not on the PTA, and was on holiday.
Friend E is not on the PTA and is the one who refused to contribute and then turned up for 45 minutes. The thread is about friend E.

You are unfair as she is overstretched what she does already. Well done for doing what you do but please do not become one of those mum's who complains about other mum's if do not volunteer or you will lose friends. I never got involved in our school as the board of management here mostly mums very clicky and gossipy and did not take kindly to anyone voicing their new opinions or trying to make change.

Just saw yr update, try not too give too much of yourself as it will just get too much and hope the day went well. You were just stressed and overwhelmed with too much to do.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

Do you go assist her with all of these groups and charities? How much of your time do you give to these to assist her with all of these? I take it stuff for the town does benefit you and the community (albeit indirectly possibly)?