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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/07/2022 15:59

Volunteer if you like but stop dragging others into it. If people volunteer then don't help that's different.

Rosebel · 10/07/2022 15:59

Well done for accepting you were being unreasonable. So many people don't.
I understand where your friend is coming from.
When DD1 was at primary school I got roped in to helping at the Christmas fair. Okay not too bad except then it was expected every time there was an event. Did it a few times before deciding enough was enough and said I wasn't doing it any more. Don't think I was too popular after that.

DockOTheBay · 10/07/2022 15:59

I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall
An hour or two is quite a long time, especially when you already volunteer doing other things.
This week I spent 2 hours running my Brownie unit, 1.5 hours helping at a Guide unit who were short of adults, 1 hour doing admin/prep/printing and wrapping leaving gifts for my Brownie unit, 1 hour attending a committee meeting for a charity I am involved with, 30 minutes buying and delivering items to the baby bank.

I am happy to do all that and chose to, but do you think I should be spending another 2 hours of my weekend helping out the PTA as well? Which I don't want to do? Besides the fact that it would never be "just a few hours" and I would then be expected to do it every year.

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 16:00

Being friends with someone on the PTA when they use that friendship to guilt you into helping and then badmouth you when you say no is difficult and tends to lead to the person you are bullying ending the friendship

well said, it’s bullying behaviour and a poor example to the children and one of the key reasons the pta has a bad reputation in general cliquey bullying behaviour. And to be going around asking others to bully her is appalling.

Teeheehee1579 · 10/07/2022 16:02

I think you need to say to the rest of the group that you have been bitching with that you feel bad about it. Presumably it made you all feel good about yourselves? How horrid that a group of grown women/men have bitched and moaned behind someone’s back. It’s absolutely fine for someone to say they are too busy whatever they have on. You literally have no idea what is going on with her. I work full time, have 3 children at different schools and currently volunteer for something non school related. Still and despite missing out on the only family time we would have had, I once volunteered for a stall at the pta, was tutted at for not doing it exactly as it had always been done and virtually ignored for the whole time I was on the stand. Never again.

greywinds · 10/07/2022 16:02

@Neverenoughchocolates I remember feeling like this and someone pointed out that part of my frustration was that I'd over committed myself - and I left and events carried job and I myself was less stressed.

JustLyra · 10/07/2022 16:04

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall. I suppose I did feel her husband could have chipped in too.

It’s an hour or two this time…

And next time.

And the next time.

And the time after that.

And after that.

She knows that. You joined the PTA. She made clear she doesn’t have time for it.

That you’ve been bitching about her to other friends is horrible. You owe a massive apology.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 10/07/2022 16:07

it doesn’t matter that she volunteers elsewhere, or that others helped or that she only came for 45m.

she said no, she did not want to help and instead of respecting her you slagged her off behind her back and got others to change what they think of her? You are an absolute crap friend and the reason so many people are put off joining the pta

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/07/2022 16:08

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:37

Oh wow. OK. I did ask 😳

Reading all your comments makes me feel awful. I guess I did get a bit sucked into the stress of it all.

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall. I suppose I did feel her husband could have chipped in too.

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different as the fair benefits all of our children, including hers.

I see the other side of it now though so thanks for your comments

Dont you live in the community and benefit from some of the voluntary work they
both do even indirectly.

You would be amazed how many groups would get closed because the local authority cannot afford to run them, well unless they hiked up the council tax. They rely far more on volunteers to stay open than your local pta event keeps a school open.

ManateeFair · 10/07/2022 16:08

This has to be a reverse, surely!?

It’s not her fault you’re on the PTA. She has chosen not to be on the PTA precisely because she feels she does enough already. Why should she help out just because she’s your friend? You chose to do this, she didn’t. Therefore she it is absolutely fine for her to turn up and relax at the event like any other visitor.

5128gap · 10/07/2022 16:08

If it causes all this stress and resentment and leads to people feeling differently about their friends, its high time to dispense with it altogether. The education of our children doesn't hang on the sucess of a cake stand and a tombola.

Quia · 10/07/2022 16:09

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall. I suppose I did feel her husband could have chipped in too.

In my (bitter) experience, it's never an hour or two. The next person doesn't turn up so you feel you can't desert the stall, then you're sucked into helping clear up. Or someone doesn't turn up at another stall and you get begged to help and feel you can't say no.

As a matter of interest, OP, how much do you help with the other things this friend organises?

DeadbeatYoda · 10/07/2022 16:10

You are being completely unreasonable. She does enough. Why shouldn't she just turn up and enjoy an event once in a while? Is this a reverse? It's so bizarre to have a problem with this that wonder if it is.

ShandaLear · 10/07/2022 16:10

Why are you singling out her/her husband? Presumably there are a couple of hundred people attending the event - why is it acceptable that they didn’t help out but not acceptable for your friend?

madnessitellyou · 10/07/2022 16:11

It's people like you who put me off doing anything for the PTA. Including going to the events (I send DH). I tried to get involved when dc1 was in reception but I was always ignored. Then some of the ringleaders would talk very loudly in my presence that no one would help. Then they set up a Facebook page. If anyone asked a question, the standard response was "why should we speak to people who don't come to meetings". They'd then complain that no one was giving them any suggestions. Woe betide you say you can't come to a meeting. The horrible cows - and they were all women - would suggest that you weren't managing your time properly and the PTA should always take precedence.

Maybe she's got no patience with someone reckoning they have the right to birch about how she spends her free time?

howtomoveforwards · 10/07/2022 16:11

she's allowed boundaries? to say no sometimes? to not want to participate in absolutely everything?

Wombat27A · 10/07/2022 16:11

Nice clear boundary.

She might want to have just turned up to enjoy the event without all the mental load for once.

Bitching to all and sundry about her is awful.

GiltEdges · 10/07/2022 16:11

You sound like well suited to being on the PTA.

Incase that's not clear enough... YABU.

Bloodyusernamechange · 10/07/2022 16:13

PTA school fair is a PITA and a thankless task. But do you help her out with her own volunteering activities?
She attended but wasn't able to commit to helping and told you so. Bitching about her because YOU underestimated the time involved and overcommited yourself is unfair and bullying IMO. There are plenty o other parents who could have helped you. Did you ask all of them?

Odile13 · 10/07/2022 16:14

I’m glad you’ve changed your mind OP. From an outsider’s perspective it seems really unfair that you were annoyed at a woman who already volunteers a lot in the community. She wasn’t under any obligation to help out and perhaps she just couldn’t take on anything else. She even showed up to support the event, which was nice of her.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2022 16:16

OP are you married?

TempName01 · 10/07/2022 16:17

I don’t volunteer for school discos, fairs etc, I simply don’t want to. I am grateful to those who give their time but equally I don’t care if these events happen.

OldTinHat · 10/07/2022 16:18

YABVU

She hasn't volunteered for the PTA because she has other commitments. If she wanted to help, then she would have volunteered.

I applaud her honesty and also her support by coming along to the fair. If you want to volunteer, great, just don't expect everyone else to and then be annoyed when they don't.

InFiveMins · 10/07/2022 16:20

YABU, she does enough already by the sounds of it.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/07/2022 16:23

She’s your friend and didn’t want to do something. Give her a break and stop bitching with your pta friends.