Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 10/07/2022 16:28

I admire your friend. She has the backbone to say no and mean it and still holds her head up high and goes to the event. Well done her!

Liz1tummypain · 10/07/2022 16:29

I don’t follow why you’re surprised by her behaviour. She was upfront all along wasn’t she?

unless this is a teeny little village school surely you didn’t depend that heavily on her to help?

FloralHandbag · 10/07/2022 16:29

RainCoffeeBook · 10/07/2022 15:29

A timely reminder why no one should join the PTA - dealing with nutters who see it as their whole life and wow betide anyone who doesn't agree.

Tbf, it takes over your whole life because no other fucker helps out 😂

livelyoasis · 10/07/2022 16:29

You really don't sound very nice at all. I think you are massively unreasonable. Good on your friend for setting clear boundaries and managing expectations.

LavenderfortheBees · 10/07/2022 16:31

Yes YABU but at least you seem to accept that now. You need to do some damage control and tell the group you were being unfair. Apologise as well if any of this has got back to her.

diddl · 10/07/2022 16:31

I wonder why you think she should have helped just because she is your friend?

Even if she had no other commitments this is something that you choose to do.

She supported by attending.

That should be enough imo.

AquaVite · 10/07/2022 16:32

YABU. She does enough. She’s drawn a perfectly reasonable boundary and explained her rationale. From the sounds of it you have not only been offended by her perfectly reasonable behaviour but have gone around bitching to everyone else about it and gathering opinions to take sides against her. With friends like you, who needs bitchy playground mums/ enemies?

This, 100% this.

Pumperthepumper · 10/07/2022 16:33

Surely her coming to the event is the important bit, since she’ll spend money there and that’s the whole point of it?

CruCru · 10/07/2022 16:35

CruCru · 10/07/2022 15:56

Hi OP

I organised our school fair last weekend - it’s a really big job so well done for taking it on. I think this is two separate issues.

Your friend hasn’t put her hand up for this one. It may be that she doesn’t have time or doesn’t like planning for school fairs. This is fair enough.

If it really takes a small group of people hours to sort (to the point where everyone ends up feeling resentful), what is it that takes the hours? The summer fair is largely an interesting bit of project management. It may be worth writing a summary of what you actually have to do to organise this (things like let people know the date, meet / zoom to decide who is responsible for what, email each person on the PTA individually to tell them how they go about organising their stall, along with getting volunteers from parents in their year, how you actually set up and how many people you need to clear up).

Sorry, I was also going to say that sometimes good enough is good enough. If the fair leaves all the people who help out feeling resentful then scale it right back (or don’t have it next year). People will whinge but there’s a way of saying that if they really want XYZ then they need to step up - it can’t just be left to the handful of people who always run stuff.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/07/2022 16:35

She does enough in other areas. Why would you think she would want to help out just because you’re involved and she’s your friend. She made it clear she didn’t want to join the PTA - she clearly thinks she has her priorities right and has enough involvement already. And if it’s too much for you, who’s forcing you to continue ?

SuperSange · 10/07/2022 16:37

I was at a school fete recently, my sons old infant school. I did it for my mate who was helping to organise things. I was first volunteer on my stall, 11-12. I waited until 12.15 for the next person to turn up and guess what? There was no next person. The expectation being that I had nothing better to do than spend the whole fair manning the stall. I didn't, and won't be bothering again.

You're being VVV unreasonable, and as far as standing round slagging her off to your other PTA buddies, shame on you.

pictish · 10/07/2022 16:40

“She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help.”

God how I hate this sort of shit. This sense of social/parental/obligation pressed onto women exclusively, who are then cold shouldered by other women if it’s not fulfilled. Like we aren’t harassed, exhausted, carrying enough of the mental load already. Fuck off. Just fuck off.

LunchPoems · 10/07/2022 16:41

RainCoffeeBook · 10/07/2022 15:29

A timely reminder why no one should join the PTA - dealing with nutters who see it as their whole life and wow betide anyone who doesn't agree.

This!

I naively joined when dd was in p1 but quickly escaped

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 16:42

It is absolutely a prime example of why people don’t want to join or support the pta. It’s horrible horrible behaviour and sadly the types who do it are the types ro join the pta and it becomes a vicious circle. We see it repeated all over the country and we have all experienced it. It attracts a certain type of person who behaves like this, entitled, bullying, gossipy, exclusive behaviour.

Really, like politics the desire to join the pta should actually bar your from it, and first example of bullying bitchy behaviour like this , and you should be out for good.

Looneytune253 · 10/07/2022 16:42

I can see both sides of this. I do a lot of volunteering in my local community. One huge local event and I do a lot with my local church. If my school had a PTA or summer fair I don't think I'd be contributing either. Do you and your friend group do a lot for your friends other causes?

SoS505 · 10/07/2022 16:43

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally

So she already does so much for the community yet you don’t feel she can just come to the event, and enjoy it with DC, without bitching about her to friends and on MN.

Onlyforcake · 10/07/2022 16:43

She only has so many hours to put in to things outside her home, shes clear about what she isnt houng to do. If she'd organised some event locally would she be lambasting the PTA for just turning up, looking round and heading home? Probably not.

JudgeJ · 10/07/2022 16:45

whatstheteamarie · 10/07/2022 15:26

Don't blame her, blame the 95% of people who never volunteer for anything.

Exactly! It's the same in all organisations, not just schools, a small number of people do all of the work and the rest sit back and tell them what they're doing wrong! My reaction is usually 'if you don't make an input, you don't get to have an opinion' .

Tribb · 10/07/2022 16:47

I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall.

In your OP it was thought they could at least manage a few hours for me so you're still not being entirely honest here.

She supported your event by turning up and presumably spending some money during the 45 minutes that she was there. Rather than being grateful for that, you've instead turned her into the subject of a bitchfest with your other friends.

Your other friends won't say anything to your face but you can guarantee that they will start keeping their distance the next time around in case it's their turn next to be hassled and talked about.

AquaVite · 10/07/2022 16:48

Thing is OP, you've already stuck the boot in with this: Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help

You're backtracking now, but frankly, I hope she DOES find out that you were gossiping so meanly about her and dividing up into your little 'camps,' so that she can find better friends who actually deserve her friendship.

butterflied · 10/07/2022 16:48

WeAreBob · 10/07/2022 15:42

You're being really nasty and totally unreasonable.

It's also really not nice to hear that some of your friend group have changed their opinion of her. That's really, really nasty.

You say she does loads for the town. She sounds like a productive member of your community who does things to help

All of this. I hope she realises that her friends with changed opinions weren't really friends at all. And you really should apologise to her if you have made your feelings known.

fyn · 10/07/2022 16:48

I volunteer for loads of stuff, I run the Community centre, help run a children’s clothing exchange, help with the community garden. I get absolutely no thanks for it but I don’t do it for that. People are continually asking me to help out with more and more despite already doing it all. Maybe she just wanted a nice day out with her family without people harassing her to help with more and more.

internetpersonme · 10/07/2022 16:49

RainCoffeeBook · 10/07/2022 15:29

A timely reminder why no one should join the PTA - dealing with nutters who see it as their whole life and wow betide anyone who doesn't agree.

This !!@

LAMPS1 · 10/07/2022 16:52

Seems you became totally and blindly absorbed in your summer fair to the point that nothing else existed but making it a success.
Ive seen this many times with chief organisers of village charity events. The chief can lose touch with reality, think they own the volunteers’ time and decisions and crack the whip to such an extent that the (voluntary)working relationships break down and all trust and confidence flies out of the window along with the volunteers themselves. - leaving the chief wondering what she did wrong. After all she was only doing it for the school and children.

The most successful chief organiser is one who realises her volunteers are more precious than diamonds.

Be happy that your event was a success, be thankful for your volunteers who made it so …- and be a little more aware that your friends do not owe you their time for any of the work you decide to take on.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 10/07/2022 16:55

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Shock horror, a woman came to an event, stayed awhile and then.....left! Shock