Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

[Neverenoughchocolates]

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

So you never help her but are angry she didn’t help at this one event despite admitting she does a huge amount for the community already? And you’re slagging her off with your other friends?

You need to apologize and tell the friends you were wrong.

you don’t sound like much of a friend…..I hope she finds some new nice friends soon

Agree, often these folks would never be employed and paid in real life to organise something as they are unable to treat people well or understand any of the complexitiesthey just stamp their feet, demand, bully and bitch. And they get all stressed over minor stuff and see it as justification for treating people badly. They are on the pta dontcha know, it’s for the kids and charity.

ours was the same, a bunch of incompetent folks acting like Martyrs, and they were all stressed whilst firing out emails, rules, and demands. And then they wonder why people don’t want to help them but at the same time thinking they are some hot shit. It beggars belief.

in our school we had many hugely competent professional men and women who could have done it quick time in their sleep and made it a roaring success, but steered well clear due to the petty behaviour of the pta.

I don't volunteer for anything. I wouldn't have helped either. I don't really care about summer fetes and stuff, so if you want to run yourself ragged organising one, crack on but don't expect other people to as well.

You sound ridiculous. Even your update in entitled

So you haven’t helped out with her volunteer projects because you wouldn’t get anything out of it personally 🙄🙄suggest you do some reading up of the basic purpose of charity work OP. Extraordinary self centredness

If she already volunteers, she may be suffering volunteer-fatigue and just wanted to enjoy this one thing as a normal member of public? I think you're frustrated because lots of other people don't help at all. You're possibly misplacing your frustration on your friend.

Don’t be so perverse. Presumably she feels she’s run ragged because as she said in her OP, there aren’t enough volunteers to share the workload.

Imagine going to your job and half the staff have left and your manager expects you to get it all done by yourself with a smile? Still sure it will be fun and stress free?

The OP is angry with the wrong person here. She should be angry with every one of the freeloading parents who expect the extras that are provided by the fundraising that the PTA does, but who can’t be arsed to VOLUNTEER.

This could have been me this year. My DD begged me not to help as she said everyone else gets to enjoy it with their Mummy and she hates having to tag along with one of them (whoever I can talk into it.) I volunteer with lots of other stuff and I do tend to put it before family a lot. I was busy doing things for other people every weekend in June. I've become very aware that I probably only have a year or two of her wanting to be anywhere near me, so I'm saying no to more things.

You sound like the sort of person that gives PTA it’s bad reputation. Martyring yourself and then bitching about a woman who doesn’t. Most PTA events are pretty pointless and of limited benefit to the children in proportion to the angst they seem to engender, perhaps this woman as a seasoned volunteer can see that more clearly than you. Take a step back at look at yourself - you have lost perspective.

Glad to see you know you are BU!

I won’t add my tuppence now 😉

Well I think she's discovered who her friends are. And they're not the ones bad mouthing her behind her back. Any one of you had the guts to tell her what you think to her face? No...didn't think so. And why is that? Because she'd put you all in your place by pointing out that none of you help her with her volunteering - which seems to be a lot more than you lot do if she's big on volunteering in the community.

What a nasty bunch of people. If you've truly realised that you reacted in the heat of the stress it may be a good idea to call off the others. Before your 'friend' gets wind of the fact that you've been gossiping about her.

I used to volunteer in our community. I didn't help with the PTA as my husband got roped in one year - supposedly for an hour. We didn't see him at all for the whole of the fair. Neither of us would volunteer for them again. I'd rather make a contribution every 6 months than give up my time with my child. Sorry if that sounds selfish but I'd rather put the cash in a bank account and enjoy me child whilst they are a child. And I think a fair number of parents feel the same TBH.

If you can’t cope with your choice of little hobby role, don’t do it. It’s your problem. The woman does things that actually help the community and charities and you feel entitled to demand her time? How embarrassing.

It is shocking how much is ran on invisible, unpaid volunteer (predominantly female) labour.

...and this is why I always hated pta women. Back sniping and bitchy. Glad I no longer have children that age!

YABVU. I was on the PTA for years when my kids were in primary. We always dropped a stall or two if we didn’t have enough volunteers. I never expected my non PTA friends to bail us out

Why do you feel the need to gossip about her? That's not nice, is it?

1087 Mnetters have voted and 99% say YABU.

Are you going to tell your friends that you have behaved in a super unkind way and apologise to your 'friend'?

She's probably sassed out that you talk badly behind her back (it's alway very obvious) and that's why she doesn't want to be involved. Once you move on from your role in the PT, she's probably be happy to help.

And 😂😂to "I have 5 really close friends", you are no close friend to this woman, frenemy maybe.

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different as the fair benefits all of our children, including hers.

And? It sounds as if she does a huge amount for the community as a whole and people who do that kind of work benefit everybody, young and old alike. Good for her for drawing a boundary somewhere and sticking to it.

You cannot force people to volunteer

If asked ir is OK to say yes

Equally it is OK to say no

I’m confused as to why you thought she should help?

Because she has kids in the school? But loads of people have kids in the school and didn’t help - did you have a bitchfest about them too? Or just your friend?

Because she volunteers for loads of community events? But surely that is a reason for her not helping? She is already doing her bit.

Because you are her friend? But you don’t help her with her events. If you want a friend like that then you have to be a friend like that. And you are not that type of friend at all. You are a “not help them and then bitch when they don’t help you” type of friend.

There is a good chance she will find out what you said. In which case the friendship is over now. And also probably with any mutual friends who don’t want a friend who bitches about people behind their back - everyone knows that if they talk about other people like that then they will also talk about you like that.

In my experience this is untrue. The reason folks don’t volunteer for the pta is those on it are incompetent, cliquey, entitled, bitchy and bullying, and for some odd reason think they are superior, if they were nice, and inclusive, folks would help out. They can’t see actually it’s them who are inferior.

its the same all over the country on ptas. The folks who should be on them avoid, because the incompetent mean folks take over. And sadly they are mainly women.

The op is so far gone she’s posted a thread telling everyone she’s a bully attacking a woman, and didn’t even know it then tried to blame “the stress”.

If it’s beyond you and turns you into a bully then back out. They can live without the fair. If people don’t want to help the pta, then ask youtself why.

YABU. As a lot of other PP's said, she has other stuff on so doesn't feel she can take on any more.

Your friend did help out, she attended the fair

So she did show some support

I joined our pta in our 1st year, and lasted a few terms. It was painfully clichey. They're now really struggling to get helpers for events, but have brought it on entirely themselves.
Your friend sounds like she does loads for the community, that's great. Why should she not enjoy the school events?