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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed she didn't help out - is that fair?

283 replies

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:12

I organised the summer fair at school this year. As usual there were not enough helpers and the handful of us on the pta were all running ourselves ragged.

I have 5 really close friends, all of our children attend the school. 2 of them are on the pta too. One more put in hours of time to help out. One was on holiday and one point blank refused to contribute. Not with the organisation, set up or actual day.

The thing is the one that wouldn't help literally volunteers for everything. Her and her husband do loads for our town and are helpers with a number of groups and charities locally.

She knew we were struggling. She's said before she won't join the pta as she feels she does enough, fair enough. But I was organising this and thought they could at least manage a few hours for me.

She turned up at the fair with one of her children yesterday, walked around for 45 minutes and then just left!

Our other friends are divided, some have changed their opinion of her and think its shocking she didn't help. Others think its her choice and she showed support by turning up.

I'm just really upset that she couldn't step up for me. Aibu?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/07/2022 15:42

Yeah, you're then expected to hang around for the clean up as well.

If you don't help her, even offer your time to help then you can't then bitch about her for not helping. She's allowed some time off to just chill.

dottymac · 10/07/2022 15:42

Those of us who join the pta do so because we want to be proactive in organising/funding nice things for the kids. Most parents do want that - some commit a little, some commit alot and some put their heads down and hope others will keep on slogging for the benefit of the many. Everyone has different lives and availability but where we are - it's the same people that volunteer for everything. I'm not saying that's the case here, I can only speak from my experience. And sadly, people that do everything end up burning out and nothing good gets organised so everyone loses out. 🤷 Many hands make light work

WeAreBob · 10/07/2022 15:42

You're being really nasty and totally unreasonable.

It's also really not nice to hear that some of your friend group have changed their opinion of her. That's really, really nasty.

You say she does loads for the town. She sounds like a productive member of your community who does things to help

buttermut · 10/07/2022 15:42

YABU. You don't get to say what she can/should be doing with her free time. She drew a boundary for whatever reason, respect that.

WeAreBob · 10/07/2022 15:45

WeAreBob · 10/07/2022 15:42

You're being really nasty and totally unreasonable.

It's also really not nice to hear that some of your friend group have changed their opinion of her. That's really, really nasty.

You say she does loads for the town. She sounds like a productive member of your community who does things to help

Posted too soon.

*who does things to help and probably does more than others, more than you and the friends who have changed their opinion?

But because this time she said no, she spent it just having time with her kid, you're all changing your opinion of her and think she did something wrong?

So your friendship and your respect of her is conditional on her never saying no and always being the one to step up?

It sounds like she does do enough and she absolutely is allowed to say no to an event without losing her standing in the community as someone who helps.

How vile you all sound.

BeggarsMeddle · 10/07/2022 15:47

Maybe, OP, let anyone you might have complained to know that you were speaking in the heat of the moment and realise that you were stressed and unreasonable. I think more of someone who can own up to a mistake and it smooths the way forward.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/07/2022 15:48

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different as the fair benefits all of our children, including hers.

Nope. She could have been stressed at her events before and you haven't offered to help out. If you don't offer help, you can't demand it.

Londonderry34 · 10/07/2022 15:49

Don't volunteer. It's made you bitter and unpleasant. Run ragged? You sound just like the PTA members I dreaded. It should be fun and stress free. You might get more volunteers then.

Catlitterqueen · 10/07/2022 15:49

I’m a volunteer with several different organisations. I need to be able to say NO sometimes because mental health requires that I have boundaries and need to spend time doing family things or I would have a breakdown!
YABU you chose to volunteer for the PTA nobody put you in charge of dictating how people who are already busy should spend their time.

Pkwi · 10/07/2022 15:49

I don't do any volunteering and I wouldn't have offered to help out if I didn't want to.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/07/2022 15:50

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall.

The problem is, it’s so rarely ‘just an hour or two’. It could so easily have turned into ‘Well, seeing as there’s only a couple of hours to go, would you mind staying on a bit longer?’, and then ‘Seeing as you did such a good job manning the used toy stall, maybe you could help us out at the Christmas fair too? We’re really stretched…’

I remember the PTA chairman when I was at junior school. Permanently in head cook and bottle washer mode; pounced like a jackal on any new parents, and if they didn’t pledge their troth to the PTA, no way would they ever get invited to anything social amongst parents. I remember him turning up at our house one year on the Sunday following the summer fair to discuss ideas for next year! No wonder some people are quick to say ‘Count me out’.

DockOTheBay · 10/07/2022 15:51

Your friend already volunteers for lots of things, so why should she be top of the list to do your event too? Shouldn't you be nagging the friends who never volunteer to do anything?

ellesbellesxxx · 10/07/2022 15:51

I am on the PTA and we are not doing a fair this year… we all work and feel spread too thin so we had the conversation and decided actually we would put our efforts into other fundraising that takes less organising but probably raises the same amount!
Maybe a conversation for your pta for next year, if you don’t have the volunteers or time yourself?

TenTree · 10/07/2022 15:53

Neverenoughchocolates · 10/07/2022 15:37

Oh wow. OK. I did ask 😳

Reading all your comments makes me feel awful. I guess I did get a bit sucked into the stress of it all.

To be clear though, I wasn't looking for her join the pta, just to put in a an hour or two on a stall. I suppose I did feel her husband could have chipped in too.

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different as the fair benefits all of our children, including hers.

I see the other side of it now though so thanks for your comments

I’d be inclined to think the fair doesn’t benefit her children given they were there for a short period of time, possibly just to ‘show face’.

I think if you don’t help with her events, she is under no obligation to help yours, particularly when she has said up front she doesn’t have capacity for it.

QueenofDestruction · 10/07/2022 15:54

Nasty, her time is her time. Your OP reminds me of one of those books about Ptas consisting of a mean girls clique.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/07/2022 15:54

DockOTheBay · 10/07/2022 15:51

Your friend already volunteers for lots of things, so why should she be top of the list to do your event too? Shouldn't you be nagging the friends who never volunteer to do anything?

Wasn’t it Lucille Ball who said ‘If you want something done, ask a busy person’? Essentially it’s playing on the fact that you know they’re organised and proactive, so will hopefully roll over and say ’Oh well, one more thing won’t hurt’.

CruCru · 10/07/2022 15:56

Hi OP

I organised our school fair last weekend - it’s a really big job so well done for taking it on. I think this is two separate issues.

Your friend hasn’t put her hand up for this one. It may be that she doesn’t have time or doesn’t like planning for school fairs. This is fair enough.

If it really takes a small group of people hours to sort (to the point where everyone ends up feeling resentful), what is it that takes the hours? The summer fair is largely an interesting bit of project management. It may be worth writing a summary of what you actually have to do to organise this (things like let people know the date, meet / zoom to decide who is responsible for what, email each person on the PTA individually to tell them how they go about organising their stall, along with getting volunteers from parents in their year, how you actually set up and how many people you need to clear up).

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2022 15:56

I have been a PTA chair and been run ragged at events like this and I think YABU.
This friend has been very clear she doesn’t want to help and I actually respect that much more than the people who make up shite excuses, say they will help but don’t or turn up but are then pointless
She is under no obligation to help, it’s voluntary

Mellowyellow222 · 10/07/2022 15:56

Takingthepmaybe · 10/07/2022 15:30

Are you also annoyed her husband didn’t help??

I was about to ask this. Seems a bit sexist

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 15:57

Hang on. It’s your bloody choice to do this. You can’t be forcing others to or slagging them off for not. Why would you treat someone like that?

WeAreBob · 10/07/2022 15:57

Just a point about friendship, OP.

If you want to keep it then don't guilt or drag your friends into helping with your PTA events.

Being friends with someone on the PTA when they use that friendship to guilt you into helping and then badmouth you when you say no is difficult and tends to lead to the person you are bullying ending the friendship.

She has her clubs and she volunteers for them. That's how she helps the community.

You have the PTA. That's for you to do, not her.

I'm sure she spends her money at school events, she isn't not contributing.

Be careful about how you treat your

Brushteethwashface · 10/07/2022 15:57

You’re being really really unfair and I really hope you didn’t bitch about her to other friends. If the stress of the school fair is making you behave like that you need to take a step back.

An hour or two on a stall is a big ask actually, especially as it never is just an hour or two, you usually get roped into setting up or cleaning up as well and as a regular volunteer I expect she knows this.

When I was on the PTA the Chair (who was great) was really clear we also needed people to just come and spend and have a good time and that excessive guilt tripping and pressuring people to volunteer was likely to put people off coming at all.

Over very many years of school fairs I have sometimes volunteered and sometimes just attended and spent money. My friends equally did what suited them at the time - can’t imagine getting annoyed with one of them for not volunteering when I’d chosen to. Sounds a bit teenage to me.

SandieCollins · 10/07/2022 15:58

Youaremysunshine14 · 10/07/2022 15:16

You're being massively U. She told you she had too many other commitments and didn't want to add the PTA to it and it's not her fault you ran yourself ragged – you chose to step up for it, she didn't. And now you've gone behind her back slagging off her lack of help to other parents. Some friend you are.

Perfectly put.

WeAreBob · 10/07/2022 15:58

*Be careful about how you treat your friends.

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 15:58

I haven't helped at any of her events, but I do think that's different as the fair benefits all of our children, including hers

well that’s ugly isn’t it.