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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

808 replies

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP posts:
Forestgate · 11/07/2022 22:30

Oh actually just read your post about the receptionists baby. How bizarre!!!

You sound like uou handled it really well though, well done. Your dh and ds are very lucky.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/07/2022 22:42

Forestgate · 11/07/2022 22:26

Sorry but this is a case of Get a babysitter. Maybe you need to pay up but im sure you can find one.

Your 11 yo will need you there.

baby there- ot appropriate. Even if your MIL hadn't had to spell it out, unless you havs an entirely breastfed baby who genuinely cannot be left babies shouldn't really be at funerals anyway.

The funeral was yesterday, did you not even bother to read the ops posts? Obviously not

Rosscameasdoody · 11/07/2022 22:59

antelopevalley · 11/07/2022 14:46

You can organise a celebratory funeral. You can't say it will be fun.
People attending will decide if the funeral is fun or if they are grief-stricken.
I think celebrating someone's life is fine. You can recognise their achievements and what was important to them. But I have never been to any funeral, even the most celebratory, where at least one person was not grief-stricken.

I think our culture struggles with the idea of people grieving and wants to erase or smooth over that unpleasant fact. As if grief can be banished by a baby cooing or clapping at a hymn, or by wearing bright colours. I have nothing against wearing bright colours at a funeral, but it does not stop the grief.

Show quote history

I agree. I spent weeks obsessing over planning the perfect funeral for my DH - it was a celebration of his life and it was wonderful - exactly as I’d planned it. Didn’t make one jot of difference when I arrived home after the funeral and realised that this was the start of what at the time I thought of as ‘leftover life’ without my beloved husband.

ancientgran · 12/07/2022 11:19

Lunarpsychobitch · 11/07/2022 21:52

Personally, out of respect I'd go with my MIL's wishes (grudgingly) but also keep my 11yo at home as welk, then perhaps go to the tea afterwards with both children.
What an awful situation for her to have put you in but now isn't the time to cause her even more upset.

That would be a great plan except;

a. The funeral has already happened
b. If you go with MIL's wishes not to bring baby then why wouldn't you go with her wishes (demands) that the 11 yo attends?
c. MIL didn't want the baby at the tea (or whatever it was) at the golf club although the receptionist's baby was apparently welcome.

Scianel · 12/07/2022 11:51

What I don't understand is there is now a facility to filter by OP posts, thereby not having to trawl through the entire thread to miss updates, yet more posters than ever completely fail to do this and still post their pointless, out of date, repetitive comments.

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 13:11

Rosscameasdoody · 11/07/2022 22:59

I agree. I spent weeks obsessing over planning the perfect funeral for my DH - it was a celebration of his life and it was wonderful - exactly as I’d planned it. Didn’t make one jot of difference when I arrived home after the funeral and realised that this was the start of what at the time I thought of as ‘leftover life’ without my beloved husband.

Show quote history

I am sorry you have had to go through that.
Grief is so tough.

saraclara · 12/07/2022 17:13

Scianel · 12/07/2022 11:51

What I don't understand is there is now a facility to filter by OP posts, thereby not having to trawl through the entire thread to miss updates, yet more posters than ever completely fail to do this and still post their pointless, out of date, repetitive comments.

I've posted on 'site stuff' to ask if mnhq can make the 'see all' option at the bottom of the OP, more obvious and more explanatory. They're going to look into it.

This place would be SO much better if more people coming into established threads knew it was there and used it.

saraclara · 12/07/2022 17:27

Sod it. I've now done an AIBU of my own

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4588382-to-make-you-look-at-this

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