MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

She probably just meant it went as well as can be expected.

What a nasty, judgemental post. Of course the OP needs to support her mother in law - she’s just buried her husband and anything else is unthinkable, given that she’s DH’s mother and there’s a relationship to maintain for his sake, and the sake of their children. MIL isn’t in a position to be regretting anything at the moment as she will be numb with grief. I agree, she hasn’t behaved well and has said some hurtful things, but that doesn’t warrant her family withdrawing her support at the very time she needs it most - maybe in the eyes of some she doesn’t deserve it, but I hope the OP and her family will rise above that, have some compassion and do what’s right. The family clearly have a lot of issues to sort out and hopefully in the weeks to come, when everyone is thinking a bit more clearly, they will be able to sort it out and build bridges, not create bitter chasms.

Missing sibling? Mil was adamant she was to be chief mourner wasn't she?

Now you know she actively snubbed dd I would be thinking carefully about her relationship with your ds....
He shouldn't be raised thinking he is better than his dsis...

I agree completely. My own late husband was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer and we never got to say goodbye as he was unconscious on a ventilator. Twelve days from diagnosis to when he passed away and even now, five years later there are issues I can’t even bear to think about, let alone reconcile. That’s why my sympathies have been mainly with MIL because no matter what else is going on, facing the death of your life partner is a devastating and lonely business, and one that nobody can truly understand unless they’ve lived it.

No - the OP should be considering her own relationship with MIL and that of her husband and his mother. And in the wake of the death of his dad is not the ideal time to do it. They all need to to some healing and to try to understand each other - and in the meantime MIL needs support from her family. Maybe not because she deserves it, but because it’s a kind and decent thing to do - wading in and stirring more conflict isn’t.

And your opinion of OP deliberately inviting a child not known to her but not her own?

Maybe the OP feels she hasn't got a connection with her MIL? It works two ways and grief does not make it OK to be so nasty to an innocent baby. The fact that the other baby was invited means there is no where for MIL to hide her behaviour.

Absolutely this.

I would very firmly communicate this to your husband in the near

Reminds me of sitting in the garden of a local coffeeshop/tea rooms. Group of ladies probably late 60s and 70s all being terribly sympathetic to a lady who had obviously been recently widowed. Eventually she said, "Well at least now if I want boiled egg and toast for dinner I don't have to cook." Stunned silence followed and when chat restarted no more talk of her situation.

Losing a life partner might be many things to many people.

..........future. I would be very wary of someone who could have such venom in them towards a baby.

Not normal at all and terribly damaging to be around.

Exactly @beautyisthefaceisee. Why is op meant to accept rudeness and derogatory behaviour towards her baby?!
There obviously could have been discretion given re the funeral and wake but then the deliberately inviting another baby?! That's just nasty and horrible.

I believe I said that she hasn’t behaved well and has said some hurtful things. Not disputing it, it’s disgusting. But equally disgusting is the way people on here are urging the OP and her family to distance themselves from MIL at the time she most needs support - she may not deserve it, I agree, but surely after the loss of a family member in obviously distressing circumstances the focus should be on bringing the family together, not creating more division.

Babies re famously bad at not observing proper decorum in any situation. Of course the widow comes first, as does paying attention to the words commemorating the person who just died. Leave the aby home.

Now the funeral is done I would only take your son to see MIL if DD also goes, it would be either both or none from now on.

Leave DP to manage his own relationship with his mother. OP is obviously not fond of the MIL, so why should she be involved at all.

I believe I said that she hasn’t behaved well and has said some hurtful things. Not disputing it, it’s disgusting. But equally disgusting is the way people on here are urging the OP and her family to distance themselves from MIL at the time she most needs support - she may not deserve it, I agree, but surely after the loss of a family member in obviously distressing circumstances the focus should be on bringing the family together, not creating more division.

I think there's two issues here - the first is, should the widow's wishes for the funeral come first and be respected? Or should family feel justified to go against her express wishes? In this case, I think her wishes should be respected (as indeed they were) because she is the one who is most affected by the death of her life partner, while everyone else has the ongoing support of their own families.

The second issue is whether the OP and family should feel obliged to provide ongoing support to MIL and I'm afraid here I do disagree because I think they're justified in prioritising and protecting their children. MIL is an adult who can make her own choices and ultimately has to accept the consequences of those choices. Her attitude towards the baby sounds peculiar and hurtful, and I wouldn't blame the OP if she decided she didn't want her DD (or DS) around someone who is happy to dislike a baby ostensibly just for being a girl. That's not to say that they should cut MIL off or never speak to her again (especially her son), but naturally any contact they have is going to be reduced if it's not positive for the children.

But it was just her own DGC (less of the dear!) that she didn't want there, (well one of them) the 9 month old baby of the golf club receptionist was very welcome! 🤨

@Rosscameasdoody

Given OP's latest post I think you are massively projecting. Another baby was invited and in attendance at the wake ffs so this is absolutely not about grief or babies distracting from the service. If others have commented it's about being a girl, and I can believe it of some families, MIL is definitely not deserving of any empathy beyond that she gets from losing her DH.

Grief is tragic and I'm sorry you experienced it but honestly nothing about MIL's behaviour means she gets carte Blanche to wreck her grand daughter and son's life with her own biases. My gran lost her husband to a terrorist bomb, she didn't even have a body to bury, he was in pieces. She still somehow managed to not discriminate against female children at a funeral. I note that even you cared enough about your mother to not put her through the trauma of your suicidal thoughts - so grief isn't an excuse for bad behaviour or discrimination against any child. Until now I thought MIL just didn't want babies at the funeral. Now learning there was another, of someone not even a relative, my sympathy ends. Op and DH have extended her courtesy and support but beyond this are under no obligation to support such blatant harmful and sexist behaviour.

no, i'm sorry.

OP needs to protect her husband and child now.

We have no idea if it is true that the GM is not keen on the other baby because it is a girl.
That would be a very unusual viewpoint.

I agree.

PrincessNutella wrote:
Babies re famously bad at not observing proper decorum in any situation. Of course the widow comes first, as does paying attention to the words commemorating the person who just died. Leave the aby home.

@PrincessNutella you’re right and any normal person wouldn’t expect “normal decorum” ffs! It’s a baby! She might cry, she might make noise and she might clap at the end of hymns. She’s a baby!

So other people mentioning it and the fact there was another baby present where her own grand daughter wasn't allowed, isn't evidence enough. Ok.

Which is why some people would not want a baby at a funeral.