MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Good grief!! How did your DH react to the other child being there and what was said?

There are multiple people on this thread who think it is appropriate to think babies and children can cheer people up at funerals, to describe a funeral as pleasant, and to think it is fine if people can not hear the eulogy.
At most funerals there is one person at least who is grief stricken. Some people here talk about funerals as purely social occasions.

I think babies and children can be a comfort, MIL could have looked at her two GC and thought her husband's genes were going on. People can feel differently about these things and some would find that comforting. I'm used to babies and children at funerals, seems normal to me but then again they go to Mass every Sunday from being babies so even very little ones tend to be well behaved in a church and family are used to them at services. Same at weddings. I've never actually experienced children playing up at a wedding or funeral.

None of that applies to the reception at the golf club though where people will be chatting/eating/drinking and it isn't like the service.

@ancientgran The phrase used was not a comfort, but that it would cheer her up.
And any funerals I have been to of people I am very close to, I could not tell you who was at the funeral. My grief was too raw to take comfort from anything and to really notice a baby. Comfort of this type is I think for funerals of people you care about, but are not devastated by their death.

I think people often substitute their own idea of what a good funeral is like for what other people might wish a funeral to be like.

I love the idea of mine being celebratory and fun (assuming I die in my sleep at 90 rather than being horribly murdered tomorrow or something), clapping children welcome. But ultimately it shouldn't be up to me- it should be up to the people mourning me. Likewise my mum has made me swear that when she dies we won't get people to wear bright colours to celebrate her life- she wants everyone in black and being very correct. There isn't a single right way to do it.

You can organise a celebratory funeral. You can't say it will be fun.
People attending will decide if the funeral is fun or if they are grief-stricken.
I think celebrating someone's life is fine. You can recognise their achievements and what was important to them. But I have never been to any funeral, even the most celebratory, where at least one person was not grief-stricken.

I think our culture struggles with the idea of people grieving and wants to erase or smooth over that unpleasant fact. As if grief can be banished by a baby cooing or clapping at a hymn, or by wearing bright colours. I have nothing against wearing bright colours at a funeral, but it does not stop the grief.

Yes, that's my point- as I said, "ultimately it shouldn't be up to me- it should be up to the people mourning me".

I know the word that was used, I was pointing out that having a GC there could be a comfort, not definitely would as it depends on the person so the "babies/children shouldn't be at funerals" isn't appropriate for everyone.

If you wouldn't notice a baby but it was giving someone else comfort then it would on balance be worth having the baby there.

Someone else, not you but another person, might be devastated and still find some comfort in the baby being there. We are all different.

That can be difficult though. We are Catholics but my husband has fallen out with the church so for me a mass would be a comfort but for him it would be his worst nightmare so if he goes first I will respect his views even though I do think funerals should be for the living. It is hard but I expect him, or my children if he isn't around, to respect my views and I want to be received into the church the night before the funeral and to have a mass. He definitely won't find my funeral fun but it would be the last thing he could do for me so I'd hate to think he'd ignore my wishes.

@KristinaYang
That's good news that it all went well.

Sad to hear that it was about DD as a baby rather than not inviting any babies You called it and it is so weird that frankly your MiL is a bit of a strange fish

Anyway you've dealt with being there for FILs funeral, all of you except baby as requested, with great grace.

What a lovely way to treat a close family member who has just lost her husband. She’s facing the rest of her life without her husband so let’s pile on and deprive her of the rest of her family. FFS WHAT HAPPENED TO COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING ?

Maybe you can explain to us why the MIL didn't want her own GC at the funeral as she would "steal the show" but was happy to have another baby of a similar age there and why it is OK to say you have no connection to your GC. To me she sounds nasty and she doesn't seem to value her family very much but maybe you view things differently.

Ahh but @ancientgran it seems that everything the MIL even in the past has said or done that's nasty is to be forgiven and accepted whereas anything that acknowledges this behaviour is appalling and the worst thing ever?..
Absolutely awful especially the misogyny towards the baby!

Mad isn't it. Normally on here a MIL is wrong if she does anything or on the other hand nothing. In this case it seems everything is acceptable.

Because MIL is her husbands’ mother. His one remaining parent. And for this entire thread the other parent - the father, the one in the coffin, seems to have been the last concern. This is a fucking awful thread and MN should take it down before it degenerates any further.

Do we know if the other baby was actually invited, or if they were just brought because the mother assumed it was ok? It would be strange to say "Hey, random stranger from the golf club, bring your baby to my husband's funeral."

Then she should act like the dh s parent, as some one who I would hope loves him too, and wants to support each other through their loss. All the drama and nastiness has come from the MIL, banning the baby, saying she has nothing in common with her, baby would have 'stolen the show' could she not have just said 'I really don't feel its the right place for baby'?

Yes, I do. From the point of view of one who has been through what MIL is feeling now and has been since she was informed out of the blue that her husband had three weeks to live, then had to watch him die, and then plan his funeral - all the while wondering how all of this shit landed on her when less than a month ago everything was normal. I absolutely do not deny that MIL has behaved badly and said some awful things. They may well have been rooted in the past, but grief plays a big part and so does stress. Planning your last loving act for your late husband by planning his funeral and then having your plans dashed by family who aren’t happy about finding childcare at short notice is enough to send you over the edge when you’re so close to it to start with. It amazes me that so few people understand this. Where is the harm in letting things calm down and sorting it out as family, as opposed to making a snap decision to cut MIL out of their lives, as some are suggesting ? Thankfully it sounds as though the OP has more compassion than the rest of you and us taken the high road. I’m out. This is a disgusting thread.

Personally, out of respect I'd go with my MIL's wishes (grudgingly) but also keep my 11yo at home as welk, then perhaps go to the tea afterwards with both children.
What an awful situation for her to have put you in but now isn't the time to cause her even more upset.

Planning your last loving act for your late husband by planning his funeral and then having your plans dashed by family who aren’t happy about finding childcare at short notice is enough to send you over the edge when you’re so close to it to start with

You seem to ve attributing malicious intent to any action the family had and to any poster who doesn't agree with this. Its absolutely no dreadful you had to deal with this, but as other posters have said the MiL has been awful to the baby even before the fil became ill.

but as other posters have said the MiL has been awful to the baby even before the fil became ill.

No, the MIL hasn't been awful to the baby - she's not been thinking about the feelings or needs of the OP. Perhaps not entirely surprisingly. If you're processing the fact that your DH is very soon going to be dead, that's quite a facer and not much else is going to get a look in. People get more compassion on MN for being dumped by a boyfriend of a few months! Well, let me tell you, death is the ultimate in dumping. They don't come back, you know.

Whatever pantomime is going on with MIL and the OP, the baby, fortunately, is blissfully unaware.

The 'pantomine' is also between the mil and her son, who's dads just died but he obviously doesn't count does he?

Sorry but this is a case of Get a babysitter. Maybe you need to pay up but im sure you can find one.

Your 11 yo will need you there.

baby there- ot appropriate. Even if your MIL hadn't had to spell it out, unless you havs an entirely breastfed baby who genuinely cannot be left babies shouldn't really be at funerals anyway.

Not as much as the widow, no.