MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Why does he want a baby there did you not read the OP? DH doesn't want the baby there. He wants his wife there, as does their elder child.

Grief doesn't have a pecking order. MIL doesn't get to say who goes, it's DH's dad's funeral.

It’s her husband. It is not the time or place to disagree with her.
You find someone to watch the baby and go, or if not possible you ask an aunt/ uncle to keep an eye on the 11 yr old.

You don’t pick a fight.
please don’t be that person.

Fil was your dh's dad and I think his feelings are as important as mil's.
At some point you are going to have to address how mil feels about the baby, but obviously now isn't the time. I think you have to be careful that in taking the baby, he/she doesn't become a flashpoint of conflict - sometimes people focus on something as a distraction from their grief and you don't want their grandchild to become that something.
So ideally, I'd probably try to leave the baby with someone if you can unless your dh feels very strongly about it, in which case I'd take the baby but minimise the decision to mil by just saying you had no childcare and obviously you all need to be there to pay respects and support dh and ds.

Absolutely.

OP, you sound like you're being deliberately awkward.

What MIL wants goes...she's next of kin...end of.

This is a ridiculous post

But it's MIL's husband.

She's being unreasonable with the "steal the show" comment, but her husband has died. I'd go with her wishes on this. It's not important for a baby to be there.

Support your DH in his bereavement. He should be your first priority.

If it's a choice between making MIL's day worse or making DH's day worse because you and baby are not there, you need to choose DH. He knows what she said and is making a choice for himself.

Surely you can see why she doesn’t want a baby at the funeral
with the best will in the world babies will not be quiet
I wouldn’t take a baby for fear of them causing a disruption
it alright saying you can take baby out but it too late they’ve already caused a disruption
go and wait outside or in car
I think it w be rude and disrespectful to take the baby

IRS not 'a baby'. The baby is DHS son and the mans grandson.

I wouldn't take an 11 month old baby to a funeral, that is conpletely different to a tiny babe in arms who would probably sleep anyway.

When we had funerals when dd was similar age we had someone look after them for service then brought them to the wake bit

@Marvellousmadness as far as I understood it, it is not “some chubby baby” it’s MIL’s grandchild? And the grandchild of the FIL ie the person who died. That is close family. Not some random baby being tagged along by a friend of a friend.

This. Totally.
MIL has just lost her husband, she naturally wants the funeral to be focussed on him and his life.
I can’t believe you and your DH would consider taking an 11 month old.

I wouldn't take a baby to a funeral, just not appropriate and I've known anyone else take one. It's horrifically disrespectful to even contemplate taking one when the widow has expressly asked you not to. That would be an unforgivable thing to do to her on the day she's burying her husband. Your DH does not need his 11mth old baby there, the baby is hardly going to be supporting him. Absolutely no question what the right thing to do his.

Still a baby... And as such does not need to attend a funeral.

And your point being?

It's horrible, but I'd do what MIL has asked. The "steal the show" comment is badly thought through, but I can see her point. Babies can be loud (unpredictability so) and people (especially family) tend to coo over them. At her husbands funeral she probably doesn't want to be fretting over possible baby crying / disruption etc and might just want the attention on her recently passed DH and his life, rather than new baby. Regardless of her reasons, I'd find a babysitter or family to look after the baby. Funerals aren't a place for small babies, they won't remember being there and might disrupt - if you've got issues with MILs relationship with the baby I don't think her husbands funeral is the place to make your stand about it. You can support your DH and other DC being at the funeral, if your DH is reading and you have to leave to settle the baby then your other DC will be alone anyway, so I can't see that being a reason to take them.

Your dh needs to speak with his mum. Let them decide between them it’s either all of you or just DH

I took my baby to a funeral =- but that was with the express wishes (IE THEY SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME TO BRING HIM!) of my friend's son. They wanted babies there to lighten the mood.

I wouldn't have dreamt of taking him otherwise.

I'm shocked you need to ask. Give your baby to your parents whilst you support your husband.

Please don't be this person. Do exactly as she wishes, and your DH should be doing exactly as she wishes too.

This is awful. Both your DH and your MiL are grieving. Your DH needs your support, but ultimately your MiL is next of kin and is in charge of the funeral. This isn’t her best decision ever, but she has just lost her life partner and I think you need to honour it.

Two options: first, is there truly no one you can leave the baby with for the funeral? Did you perhaps shut this option off because you and DH didn’t want to use it? Second, although I really hope you do manage to make the first option work, so you can support your DH at the funeral: if DH and DC end up going without you, can they sit with family or close friends who can support DC while DH does his bit? His role sounds important but not necessarily all that time consuming.

It is her husband and his father that has died. Please don’t be offended if I describe you as essentially a ‘plus one’ at the funeral, OP. I mean no disrespect but your relationship to you FIL and MIL was/is because of your DZh.

Because of that, I think you need to defer to whatever your DH wants. Although, I would counsel him to tell his mother whether or not you and the baby will attend so she is prepared for it. I can understand that your 11 year old may not want to be alone during the service while your DH is doing the readings and you should be there to help and comfort him. (I say this because I was 20 when my Gran died and I would have run out of the service at one point if my Dad hadn’t seen it coming and held my hand).

If DH wants you and the baby there, go. But to help your MIL accept this, it would probably be a good idea if DH were an active parent, holding the baby etc. so she can’t complain about you and the baby being there and stealing the attention (wtf?) later on.

I’m sorry that you and your DH are going through this.

@MaryShelley1818 , why is it not appropriate to take a baby to a funeral?
Years ago my friend died and the funeral was when my newborn was 4 weeks old. I took him. Couldn't have left him because I was bf and hadn't expressed at that point. He slept all through and I wasn't passing him around for people to coo over. Am wondering if I have inadvertently offended my friend's family. I didn't consider not going - would that not have been worse, like I didn't care or something?

I'm not sure why you would have wanted to take a baby to a funeral.
Your husband and son will want your support , you would be too busy with the baby. You should have organised a baby sitter.
Your MIL is right, she has lost her husband, you should follow her wishes

If she doesn't want you and your baby there your DH should go on his own but it's a real bullshit move on her part and won't do her relationship with her son and his family much good.

Of course your MIL's wishes should be respected, however odd. She has just lost her husband. Yes, your DH has also lost his father and needs your support but that is not the same as losing your life companion. Your DH still has you and your DC... your MIL is the one who will be waking up alone in an empty house from now on. When my grandfather died, it was hard for his children who loved him, but they all had busy lives, jobs and children. It was much much harder for my grandmother left alone in an empty house with occasional visits from family (none of her children live close but they all visited when they could). She was very, very lonely sometimes in the lead-up to her death despite everyone's best efforts.

And not wanting a young child at a funeral is not a particularly unreasonable request (even if made for unreasonable reasons).

I dont think she meant "steal the show" literally.Grief is a hard road and she probably expressed it wrongly. Obv babies of that age are hard work and she is grieving for her DH, maybe a friend could watch Babe just for a couple of hours? I defo would not take Baby along .