MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Christ, someone upthread advocating for babies clapping along with the funeral hymns like a scouts troop singing Ging Gang Goolie... 🤦‍♀️
What are some people on?

While I still think the MIL is being unkind about the baby I would caution OP to be careful about reacting to anything said by a third party at the funeral.
Some posts are uncritically accepting that MIL dislikes the baby because she's a girl, doesn't like OP having a baby at 38 and invited another baby to the wake. We don't know whether or not the person who said this to OP is just a gossip and causing bother .
I would see how things develop if I was OP and tackle MIL later if her attitude persists.
MIL may just be angry at the world because of her loss at the moment and looking for someone to be mean towards but if it continues her son needs to make it clear it's not acceptable.

When advocated for it? I read a post where @Dadschat said they might clap at the end of a hymn, can't see one advocating they do so as you say like a 'ging gang goolie'?

The OP has already said that MIL told them the baby shouldn't be brought to the wake as the golf club wasn't suitable. Presumably she then saw the other baby herself!

The op herself says that mil said she didn't want the baby at the wake as well as the funeral

MIL may just be angry at the world because of her loss at the moment and looking for someone to be mean towards but if it continues her son needs to make it clear it's not acceptable. Well obviously an 11 month old baby is an ideal target, I mean you could be mean about the NhS, at the govt, at God but no an 11 month old baby is ideal to carry the blame.

Well I was there and I heard her and she was clearly fed up off all the tragedy stuff and let them know that actually she felt there was an upside to her new situation.

I don't think it is that hard to imagine. She might have said to the receptionist that she'd like her to attend, receptionist might have said she would love to, she had always like the deceased, what a lovely man he was but she didn't have any childcare for the baby and MIL replied bring him, he's very welcome.

I would find it hard to imagine that she sent a formal invitation addressed to the baby but that doesn't mean she didn't clearly indicate he was welcome, unlike her GD who clearly wasn't welcome as that was what she said.

Maybe her partner was an abusive arse? Some people are relieved for good reasons when their partner dies.
Or maybe she has a black sense of humour?
You do not know this woman yet are judging her based on a 2 minute over heard conversation.

She was probably weary of misery talk, however well intentioned the group. Maybe she just wanted to let a little light in to what she had hoped would be a nice, distracting meetup with friends.

I'm pretty sure that there were times when I was that woman, after the loss of the husband I adored.

You overheard a few seconds of a conversation among people you don't know. You have absolutely no context from which to decide that this woman wasn't grief stricken by her loss. I doubt that 'upside' made up for anything at all. She was just trying to lift the atmosphere I imagine.

A few posters are scrambling about now hinting that some of what the OP is saying is lies, because it doesn't fit their own narrative about the MIL.

Honestly if you're going to openly not believe half the OPs posts it makes a mockery of you commenting at all.

Well, well well. Lost sympathy for the MIL for sure. Your husband saw through her and was right. Mirror mirror on the wall...

Well obviously you can imagine all sorts. As an example that I heard a few seconds of conversation when in fact it all went on for half an hour.

Why is it hard to accept that she might actually be quite relieved to be on her own? Not everyone has happy marriages, I've known a couple of women who had unhappy marriages and stayed because they couldn't face the financial hardship of divorce. They were both perfectly happy when left as widows with a nice house and half his pension.

Of course she might be heartbroken and a brilliant actress but all the stuff on here about lifepartners and people being heartbroken as if that applies to everyone is just silly.

I'm not judging her but I was quite impressed with how she stopped the misery fest however she actually felt about being a widow. The fact remains that people will experience grief in their own way, some widows will be delighted, some will be neutral and some will be devastated. Considering how many women post on here about how unhappy they are in their relationship/marriage it seems odd that so many people seem to think it is a given that this woman is so distraught she isn't responsible for what comes out of her mouth.

Having had a grandmother who hated girls I can completely believe the OP. My grandmother repeatedly told me and my sisters that girls were worthless and always treated my brother and me cousins differently. They were allowed in the new car (we weren't), they got taken on holiday (we weren't) etc etc.
Weirdly her attitude changed towards me when I went to uni, but the damage was done years ago. I was never close to her and didn't mourn her when she died a few years ago.

I have to be honest, I wouldn’t take a baby or young child to a funeral anyway.

sounds like your Mil is being odd though, give her time and space to grieve and see if she comes around. Don’t take the baby to the funeral and damage your relationship though.

I was once asked to take care of a neighbour’s baby in a similar situation. Is this something that’s possible for you?

Sorry I didn’t RTFT! Glad you sorted it.

Goodness me

@wishingitwasfriday

Your post reminded me of my XMIL. She didn't ''like'' girls.

She had 3 sons herself (XH was the eldest) and long before her son and i had our DCs i remember her telling me how she ''always longed only for boys'', and how boys were better than girls and bla bla. It was weird.

When i fell preg with DC1 she kept on about how she was hoping for another grand son (She had one already). She suggested we went for blue for the nursery as ''It's boys in our family you know!''.

Well, i had a girl 😃It didn't go down well.

And then within three years we'd had 2 more! 😂

I clearly remember her saying, at some point while i was pregnant with DD3, that she was SO GLAD she didn't have daughters. And that this time i will probably finaly have a boy and was i prepared for all the boy'ish ness and mess and wonderfully amusing chaos?

When XH announced DD3's birth she actually said ''Oh'' and then ''Never mind'' !! 😳

This is all years ago and it's all ancient history. (In fact I've remarried and had a 4th girl!) But looking back, older and wiser, i think she protested too much, as they say. I recon it was all bluster and she would have loved a DD of her own. There i said it!

I wasn't excusing the MIL or calling OP a liar above.
I said earlier that I thought the MIL sounded nasty just from what OP had heard her say directly.
I was just cautioning against uncritically accepting what a third party had said in case they were stirring.
I think Op has handled everything very well for now.
I would bear in mind what has been said about MIL. and see if she continues to act this way.
If she does I would certainly tackle her about it (probably best coming from her son) and I would restrict contact if it continues.

I wouldn't take what a third party says as gospel. A woman who would not accept a grandchild as they are a girl is a woman with a lot of misogyny. Her misogyny would have been pretty clear early on and not just now been revealed.

there is history the op said so ffs why cant people read

I read there was history. But nothing was said about the MIL being misogynistic.