MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

antelopevalley wrote:
We have no idea if it is true that the GM is not keen on the other baby because it is a girl.

That would be a very unusual viewpoint.@antelopevalley this page is built on very unusual viewpoints!

But MIL did have another baby there, and not a relative so just bloody bizarre!

I didn’t say that her grief excused her behaviour - what I said was that it would be the kind and decent thing for the OP and her family to rise above it and support her through her loss and try to build bridges if and when the opportunity presents itself - the alternative being further isolating her DH from his one remaining parent. Which if I’m not mistaken is what you said in your own post - she doesn’t deserve any empathy beyond that she gets from losing her DH. Not saying anything else and not projecting, just trying to president the point of view of someone who is grieving the very recent loss of her husband.

OP stay out of this. You are at risk of pushing your DP to have nothing to do with his surviving parent.

@Rosscameasdoody the issue is sexism and it seems this view in MIL has existed before her DH even fell ill! That's pretty entrenched, you can't change a woman's view of the female child this late in life, when it's already so malignant. I mean it's a baby! Not even a fully formed personality and she already doesn't like her or doesn't want her around, because of the sex???

If MIL were racist or homophobic, or a paedophile, would you still be advocating empathy and consideration? Or if MIL were a man? Women like MIL are the reason so many women grow up feeling lesser than men and their brothers learn to feel invincible. It's utterly toxic and no way would I want any child, male or female to be exposed to it. It's insidious and subtle. MIL's grief doesn't change the fact she's a narrow minded and quite mean woman. Grief didn't make her this way, from OP's comments, it looks like she's always preferred the male child. You seem like a nice kind person, so someone like you deserves leeway and kindness. MIL does not.

How do you see this as being on the op? Surely the dh, on knowing his mother refused to have his child at his father's funeral, then invited another baby only 2 months younger to it will be upset/annoyed/angry, but yes let's continue on any fallout being the ops fault..

MIL had actually invited the golf club receptionists baby who is 9 months old to the wake.
Who told you this baby was "actually invited", op? Sounds unlikely, and even more unlikely that anyone would go out of their way to bring the fact to your attention.

I think this is for DP and MIL to sort out. The OP should not stick her oar in.

And people do not usually get invited to funerals.

But they do do the opposite and ban people like the dgc was?

If you're having a wake (although to me a wake is before the funeral) at the golf club you do invite people. That is normal, the actual service is public but afterwards is by invite.

The OP should definitely stick her oar in to protect her daughter from this woman who has no connection to her apparently.

Yes that happens. People say for example they would prefer if the ex-partner does not come. You still do not get an invite to come.

I am in the MIL's age group and I am a widow. I am also usually a defender of older women on here.
I think the MIL's behaviour is odd and nasty.
I can understand her not wanting the baby in the service but saying she wasn't welcome at the wake and she has "nothing in common with her" is odd.
Were the comments about her not liking the baby because she's a girl etc. relayed to you by a third party? (possibly a shit stirrer). If so I wouldn't react but would file them in my mind for future reference to see if you start to see evidence of that atiitude.
I think OP did the right thing respecting MIL's wishes today and giving the benefit of the doubt that it's grief talking but I do suspect that MIL is not very nice.
I would watch for a couple of months and see how things go. If these sort of comments continue I would tackle her about it.
I would also like to say that while the MIL will be devastated at present she is not "now condemned to a life of never ending loneliness". In time there are still things she can enjoy in life.

I think it is possible that MIL is not very nice. However, anything relayed by a third party under these circumstances should not be given undue weight. People do shit stir at funerals, for inexplicable reasons.

At DH's Mum's funeral, a lady pressed a letter on him that Mum had written her. It included some very upsetting information that DH really didn't need to know either then or at any time. Why the woman did this, I have no idea. She only knew DH by name - no personal connection at all.

If you're having a wake (although to me a wake is before the funeral) at the golf club you do invite people. That is normal, the actual service is public but afterwards is by invite.
What are the odds she specifically invited a 9 month old, though? Just wondering how the conversation went, where op was made aware of this special invitation...
It's hard to imagine, really.

the op said this was happening before the fil so lets not get carried away with she must be grieving

she delibratly left out her gc and asked for another baby to be there-that says enough i wouldnt have anyting to do with her

OP, from your first post I had the inkling that your MIL was/is quite a selfish, self centrerd person, and it has nothing to do with her current loss. Your final post confirmed it. Not wanting her own granddaughter there whilst inviting some stranger's baby (and yes, the baby of a worker at her social club is basically a stranger), absolutely proves it. Whilst she may or may not have had a point regarding the actual service, there was zero reason the baby couldn't have been at the wake.

Going forward, MIL would not be seeing either of my children again. She accepts both or none. She's made it clear that she's not willing to accept both, therefore she loses both. Instead, I'd be fostering relations with the kind sounding couple next door who stepped in during your hour of need.

But the ops baby was banned from the wake too, it's not normal behaviour to ban your grandchild from a wake but invite another random baby

Who says op's baby was banned from the wake? Completely different to a funeral service anyway; a crying baby might be a bit annoying but there's no solemn service to disrupt.
If the random baby's presence had been specifically requested at the funeral there might be an issue.