MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Your MIL does sound a bit barmy, tbh! While I think it was right to respect her wishes for the funeral, it would grate on me too if it was my baby (as opposed to babies in general) who was not allowed to attend. However, now the funeral and all associated drama are over and you've done your best to keep the peace, you should definitely feel entitled to decide what relationship with MIL, if any, would be healthy for your DC going forward.

Well im glad it passed peacefully for you OP, however I only hope now going forward that should MIL demand more of DH time , as she is now on her own, that he makes it clear you all come as a family package and she cant pick and choose the grandkids. Truly awful of what shes said about your DD.

And how does that help her now exactly ? You have absolutely no idea what grief does to a person do you ?

Oh gosh, I can’t believe she invited another baby to the wake and I say that as a poster who felt her wishes should be respected. Well done to you for taking the moral high ground and respecting her wishes but I’m sorry that you’ve found another baby has been welcomed to the wake. I always think babies at a wake provided some much needed light relief.

You did the right thing. It was pretty obvious from you OP that your MIL has an issue with your DD but you handled the situation respectfully and with dignity. Now, work on extricating her from your lives. Don’t let her anywhere your DD. This hatred that she has towards her, that she feels entitled to show, is absolutely disgraceful. This has nothing to do with grief. What a nasty woman. Your DD doesn’t deserve to subjected to that and your DS doesn’t need to be the favoured male. She’s not healthy for either of them

I didnt mean it literally.

shes right though.

I hope every single P who commented against you will read this.

yes, im sure shes utterly thrilled her life partners father has died.

Behave.

Did you miss the update about MIL inviting the golf member receptionist's baby?!

She is not smug at all. She is protecting her family and rightly so.

Me too - I was firmly on the side of respecting MIL’s wishes and understanding her grief. However it’s my understanding that her problem was with the baby being at the funeral - not the wake. I believe some posters were urging the OP to get child care for the funeral and actually take the baby to the wake, so not sure what’s happening now. But the comments re the baby being a girl and those questioning the OP having a baby at 38 are concerning. The OP has handled a difficult situation well and I think an honest conversation is needed at some point to get things out in the open - maybe wait a while until the dust has settled, so that everyone is a bit calmer and more inclined to build bridges.

How awful of her. She wouldn't be getting any of my time or access to either of my children with that attitude

She sounds batshit so I just wouldn't go. Probably wouldn't let the older kid go either.

I don’t think it was so much a case of people posting against the OP - after all she was in a difficult position and for a while it looked as though she and her DH were putting their own needs above that of MIL. I think it was more a case of judging MIL and whatever the outcome, the fact remains that there have been some pretty disgusting opinions expressed on this thread, and for me, the wilful lack of understanding of the grieving process, has been really depressing. One of the most unpleasant threads I’ve been involved with TBH.

Ross - I think plenty of people understand the grieving process, but we're all different and grieve differently. There is no correct way to grieve

@saraclara looks like you afforded MIL more respect than she deserved. Still think OP should have taken the baby. Her absence appears to have been noticed, and regrettably missed by other mourners. At least the family got to meet the golf club receptionists baby though eh? Yes this is still just my opinion. Yes I realise not everyone shares it. Blah blah blah.

But the comments re the baby being a girl and those questioning the OP having a baby at 38 are concerning. The OP has handled a difficult situation well and I think an honest conversation is needed at some point to get things out in the open - maybe wait a while until the dust has settled, so that everyone is a bit calmer and more inclined to build bridges.

Yes, I agree. It's pretty weird even for grief.

Don't underestimate the impact of unexpected death though. 3 weeks may sound easy breazy, but watching a loved one melt away in 3 weeks due to a rampaging cancer is harrowing. Every day you can see another bone.

Quite @Dadschat i wonder if the baby who was requested to attend was male?

I’m glad your neighbours were able to step up and you found a workable solution. You’ve been very kind and decent.

Yes. To be honest, I don’t think the fact that this particular MIL seems to have turned out to be somewhat mean-spirited, independently of her grief, in any way negates the general view that a newly-bereaved widow should be treated with compassion and given the benefit of the doubt.

Moving forward I'd ensure that she doesn't get to claim ds whilst ignoring dd. One or both.
And Xmas should be interesting...

Well I think mother in law will discover over the next few years that she's not going to be able to claim as much of grandson.
Not many 15 year old boys wants to spend lots of time with their grandmother.
Meanwhile there will a little girl who does......

Yes. To be honest, I don’t think the fact that this particular MIL seems to have turned out to be somewhat mean-spirited, independently of her grief, in any way negates the general view that a newly-bereaved widow should be treated with compassion and given the benefit of the doubt.

It was clear what the MIL was doing, the other baby being invited makes that crystal clear for people who couldn't or didn't want to see it. That has nothing to do with any other widow. If a widow was worried about a baby making a noise, as people insisted was the case here, I'm sure they could explain and the parents could reassure them that the baby would be taken out if they got noisy/restless.

I think the "stealing the show" remark made it clear she wasn't just talking about the service so I wasn't at all surprised that she didn't want the baby to attend afterwards either.

To be honest it was a case of some people piling on the OP which does happen on here. Very depressing.

Well done OP on supporting your husband and son, you need to protect your little girl but you know that.

I'm sorry to read your latest post OP but it doesn't surprise me at all. Would love to know if the posters arguing with me last night still think you need to support your MIL after how she's acted towards your baby. What a shame. It will be her that will be regretting it. Hold your head up high and I hope you told the people who asked the honest reason as to why your baby wasn't there. Take care.

In fairness, the OP described the funeral as peasant enough. I was much more upset at my FIL's funeral and would never have been so disrespectful as to describe a funeral as pleasant enough. She sounds like she is talking about a social event.
If it is true MIL does not like the baby because it is a girl then that is awful. But OP does not come across well either.

Not criticising the people who understand the grieving process and I’ve never said there is a correct, or incorrect way to grieve. I also understand that the OP’s DH has lost his dad and that he needs support - but my point throughout has been that losing your life partner is different in that it affects every area of your life and changes you forever. After the funeral everyone pretty much goes home to their own familiar family set up, but the widow goes home to an empty house to start her life alone. And I think that’s where people are divided - it’s the nature of the grief, and that depends on the relationship to the person who has passed away. Some of the callousness and lack of understanding on this thread has been saddening and depressing - some people suggesting that the widow wants the limelight for herself, and others speculating that she’ll be remarried within a year. No thought of the trauma she’s experiencing, and no empathy whatsoever - just callous criticism and judgement.