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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

808 replies

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP posts:
Newnames123 · 09/07/2022 14:35

Is there really no one you can ask you watch baby for the time of the service?

MIL has said no and baby may cry and need to be taken out leaving older DC anyway.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 09/07/2022 14:36

Will DH speak to MiL and express that he’d like your baby to be there?

This is an awkward one, especially given the “steal the show” line…

I’d be tempted to say that I’d try and clear it with MIL but if not possible, I’d go and sit at the back with baby and older child, and play the reception by ear.

OwlinaTree · 09/07/2022 14:36

I'd go with the mil I think. Is there really no one to have your baby? Family on your side? A friend?

BigYellowElephant · 09/07/2022 14:37

Why does what MIL want take priority over what DH wants? I'd do whatever my husband wanted for his dad's funeral

enjoyingscience · 09/07/2022 14:37

The only viable options are only DH go, or you all go. You can’t leave an 11 yo alone during a funeral while his dad does readings and manages things.

I’d go to support DH if I were in your shoes.

Autienotnaughtie · 09/07/2022 14:38

I wouldn't take a baby to a funeral personally. It reads like your mil favours older child but she does have 11 years of relationship with that child and as you say is older now so possibly has less energy for babies. Is mil aware you wouldn't be attending if baby doesn't go? Is there genuinely no one to help? Id say follow mils wishes but try to find a way for you to attend to support your dd

thesockfairydidit · 09/07/2022 14:38

keep baby at home, ideally with a babysitter so you can go in support. You can sort out the odd and I’m sure quite upsetting family dynamic issue around your youngest another time and not at the funeral. Sorry about the death of your FIL.

MountainSun · 09/07/2022 14:38

Why would you create this massive issue in the family?

Don’t take the baby. Babies don’t need to go to funerals anyway.

You are being difficult. Your MIL’s husband has just died, this is not the time to make a point about your baby.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2022 14:38

What Mil wants trumps anyone else. Nobody should be arguing with her at this time. I’m astonished anyone would even try to override her.

calmlakes · 09/07/2022 14:38

If there is no one who can babysit the only other sensible option if the DH goes.
You can't leave the 11 year old by themselves at the funeral.

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 14:39

MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show has she lost the plot?! 'Steal the show'?!

I don't know if I could continue in a relationship with her with this madness attitude and nastiness towards youngest dc!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/07/2022 14:39

I would follow MIL's wishes here.

kweeble · 09/07/2022 14:39

It is up to your mil / she doesn’t want the service interrupted.
Your husbands reading won’t go on for the entire service so I’d just stay home if you can’t find anyone.

calmlakes · 09/07/2022 14:39

Also try and cut your MIL some slack, grief can make people behave very oddly.

PresidentByeThen · 09/07/2022 14:39

I'm sorry but if your MIL has expressly said no to the baby being there, then I don't think you can take them.

I don't think she's being reasonable, but she's burying her husband and I think on that day she gets the final say.

Not a nice situation all round Flowers

Johnnysgirl · 09/07/2022 14:40

Just leave the baby with someone else for the length of the service Hmm
How bloody ignorant of your dh to create an argument about this...
Shame on him.

Marvellousmadness · 09/07/2022 14:40

You dh will be too busy doing all these 'readings' anyway. Why does he want a baby there.
Mil doesn't want it. And dh doesn't have time to look after the baby
Mil needs time to grieve and for people to be sad. She probably doesn't want some chubby baby there being coed over
Anyway
Who cares her reasons. Her husband just died. She can demand things. Your 11 is fine to sit by himself surely. With other family etc.

LetMeInYourWindow · 09/07/2022 14:40

I would try to arrange a baby sitter asap.

Grief does funny things to people, it’s a bit odd of DH to not want to do as his DM would prefer tbh. I know it’s his dad but she is burying her husband and an 11 month old doesn’t need to be at a funeral.

gamerchick · 09/07/2022 14:40

Ultimately as has been said it's either he goes on his own or you all go. Give her the choice.

I wouldn't be impressed with the favoritism either. Either she's good with both kids or neither.

LilianLenton · 09/07/2022 14:40

I think, firstly, go with what your DH says, it's his father that's died, that's just as valid as the fact that saying that it's MIL's husband.

Secondly, I'd be looking to pull back a bit regarding visits, time etc with MIL. Unless she can show that it was just a temporary situation due to the illness, I'd be wary that the preference for your older child over ypur baby may continue. Not helpful for anyone. Obviously it would not have to make a difference how much your DH sees her, that's for him to manage on his own. But I wouldn't discuss any of that - even with him - until after the funeral, too upsetting right now.

Does your older child actually want to go to the funeral? I don't know if I'd have wanted to, at that age.

ItsTuesdayToday · 09/07/2022 14:41

You should all go. Yes, MIL has lost husband, but your DH has also lost his Dad and you should be there to support DH.

MIL saying the baby would "steal the show" is just a bizarre thing to say about a baby at a funeral.

I'd tell DH to speak to MIL and explain that your elder DC and he need you there and you're sorry but the baby will have to come to.

HeddaGarbled · 09/07/2022 14:41

Oh dear, that’s put you in a really difficult position.

Some possible compromises:

You sit at the back so you can take the baby out if he/she cries & leave immediately after the service.

Keep the 11 year old at home with you & the baby.

Your H finds someone else friendly for your 11 year old to sit with while he’s doing his reading.

Ffsmakeitstop · 09/07/2022 14:41

I would go with your dh's wishes it is his dad after all. If you have to take baby out you can take your older child out too.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 14:42

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

'Steal the show'

Crikey. What an awful thing to say.

What a horrid position to be in OP. I domf know how you get round this. For PP suggesting he goes on his own, that's not on. You can make him do this alone.

I suppose ultimately DH will have to say either you all go or you dont, and force her hand.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2022 14:43

it's his father that's died, that's just as valid as the fact that saying that it's MIL's husband

It’s not as valid at all. The contempt for a woman who’s just lost her husband of decades is appalling.

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