MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Sorry but I don't believe a funeral is any place for a baby. Your mil has expressed that she would doesn't want a baby there and that should be enough. I think by stealing the show, she is implying that she would like to grieve and pay her respects to her husband in a quiet atmosphere, something which is unlikely to happen with an 11 month old present, no matter how good they are. Dh should go on his own if you can't get a childminder.

In your shoes I would ask a close friend to watch your baby and go to the service. So what they haven’t babysat before, I’m sure in your friendship group someone would be willing, I would.

Don't make this about you.

Her husband has died. You're just uppity because you think your DC is equally important.

Of course your DC is equally as important but just NOT ON THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL.

If you want any kind of sustainable relationship with your MIL then respect her wishes.

Stop making it about you, it's her day.

Personally I'd love to miss a funeral! Why on earth would you want to go with them all. I'd ask to go to the reception instead but not the service.

Allow the woman to grieve in peace in her way.

Grief has no hierarchy

Actually it does. And mil is in the eye of the storm here.

www.dailyshoring.com/circle-of-grief-ring-theory/

No idea why people are blaming the Op.

The disagreement is entirely between her husband and his mother.

They need to work it out between them.

Then the only way around it is to give her the choice - you bring both children or neither. Present it as the practical issue it is. Older child would need you there as dh will be busy. You have no one to mind the baby so if she wants older child there, baby comes too. Obviously you fully understand and accept her decision either way and if baby comes, you will sit at the back with both children and go outside if baby cries if that makes the decision any easier.

Your MIL does sound difficult in general, and this has been dropped on you very last minute.
I would say it's fine to bring the baby, but sit at the back with them so you can be out the door the second they start to be noisy (if they do). My in-laws can be odd, but I couldn't see either of them acting like this, or thinking the baby will somehow "steal the show".

I’d stay home with both children and offer her you all come or just DH goes.

ffs 🤦‍♀️

babies in my experience are a positive thing at funerals

I think an exclusively breastfed tiny baby who can't be left is entirely different but of course I would check with the next of kin out of just basic courtesy.
I presume if they had told you they absolutely didn't want you to bring your baby then you wouldn't have. (And possibly not been able to attend but their choice).

By the same logic though, any woman should reasonably expect her husband to die before her because women live longer.

Relationships between children and parents are stronger than spouses, sorry. People divorce every day and get over it but not having a parent in some capacity is a lifelong trauma for most.

MN is bizarro world sometimes. I've been to dozens of funerals with young children there. OPS other option seems to be not to go at all, and the deceaseds grandchildren not attend, and her husband attend without the support of his wife. I wonder if MIL is motivated by wanting her son all to herself on the day.

And absolutely screw 'she's grieving so she can do whatever she wants'. Grief doesn't give you a pass to be a dick. It's a reason, but not an excuse.

It never occurred to me to ban babies from funerals, surely they're a reminder that life goes on

Haven’t read all the replies but I never took mine to family funerals when small, their dad would wander outside/nearby and then bring them to the graveside/wake where it’s more relaxed, is that an option, could you be outside the church/crem so your 11yr old knows you are there if needed? Xx

Depending on the 11yo I think they will be fine to sit in the congregation whilst they can see their Father reading and, presumably, be beside their grandmother. A big part of a funeral is to feel the love and support extended to the bereaved family. I would want to pay my respects to my FIL (and support my DH) and would attend the funeral with my baby. If you slip in at the back your MIL will be focused on things other than you and the baby, and you can leave easily should the baby begin to squawk.

I think you need to keep both children at home with you. 11 is too young for your DS to be left by himself at his grandfather’s funeral.

I find the whole thing very odd, with specific invites and exclusions from a funeral. In most countries, everyone is welcome to a funeral and the more people who come the greater the respect paid to the family.

This is the dilemma, DH and MIL have conflicting desires.

OP sounds to me like she wouldn't mind staying away with baby, but it's not what DH wants.

What an awful dilemma.

You can’t win.

I would put the choice back to MIL, either the 4 of you attend or DH alone. Make it very clear that it’s either both DGC or neither. Let her choose, but the choice is only 1 or 4, nothing else. Hopefully she might realise that her declaration is unreasonable but even if not you are curtailing future repercussions as it will have been her decision.

I would see if a friend can come with you to the church/crem and entertain baby in the car for the 45 mins or so that the service takes then hand baby back. We recommend (I organise funerals) that whilst babies and toddlers are welcome, if close family you bring another person to take them out, or entertain them outside throughout what is quite a short service

Grief has no hierarchy

Oh of course it bloody does. Why do people post such crap?

I would want the whole family there, what a mean spirited woman

Difficult one for you and DH...I would maybe not go to the service but go to the wake instead as the atmosphere might have lightened a bit by then IYKWIM.

Op, how do you think you would feel, if 30 years from now, you are burying your husband, and you expressly ask your daughter-in-law not to bring her little baby to the funeral, but she does it anyway, because she feels that her wishes for how the day goes trump yours?

You stay at home with the baby. Husband takes other children they all sit together.

When your husband does the eulogy his children get up and stand by his side.

That way your children and husband support each other.

The MIL does her own thing.... that way it can never be thrown back in your face.

The fact she showed no interest in my baby, and favoured the others 😠

Tortuga - I don't suppose the op will ever do such a controlling thing

Is this Mil your DH’s stepmum or his actual mother?

When it comes to something like a baby potentially disrupting the service you follow the wishes of the chief mourner at a funeral and that is your MIL. At the same time, if you and your dh, as parents, feel it is not in the best interests of your 11 year to go that is your decision, a child should not be a crutch for any adult.

Do what you can do be there for your dh without the baby. Friends usually are very willing to help in times like these, your baby will cope with a couple of hours apart from you.